maybe a different take on Irina and the way Ilya romanticizes and glamorizes his mother
I think it maybe takes years, and Im talking well beyond into his adulthood, but it finally starts to dawn on him the tragedy and complexity of his mother's death. I think its partially done in therapy, partially things that occur to him in his own depression, and partially things that just occur in his natural day to day life.
I think he finds himself confused and aware and a little hurt. I think he starts to regain little bits of anger, but not the kind he held as a child. I think child Ilya was confused and heartbroken and so so hurt. I think he felt betrayed in a way, but all in the innocence that a child holds as they're navigating not only death, but the loss of a parent at that age. Its unimaginable and dark and lonely. But i think as an adult he begins to uncover things that the trauma had long since hidden away in an attempt to self soothe and part from his father and brother, and maybe Russia altogether.
I believe that he slowly begins to remember things that Irina had done. The way she'd yell when overstimulated, maybe on bad days she'd have thrown things and broke them before breaking down. She'd beg Ilya to stay home from school, help brush her hair and help her cook and clean the house. Maybe she sits on the floor or the bed crying and staring into space, waiting for Ilya to ask what is wrong so she's able to vent. She tells him "You're the only one who understands me, Ilyusha" and "You keep me alive, Ilyusha" "You keep me happy Ilyusha." I think it's also important to recognize that it was always a possibility that either Ilya or Alexei would find her at her end, and that trauma would never be able to worm itself out of their heads.
I think more often than not Ilya and Alexei had to fend for themselves. Grigori was off doing whatever he may, and Irina would tell the children for whatever reason that she was unable to do what they needed. The children would learn to cook for themselves as young as they could understand the stove was hot and not to touch. They'd learn how to decipher which chemicals were to be used in which areas to clean as soon as they could read. They were expected to have themselves up and ready to go wherever they needed to be as long as they could get themselves there.
They would walk on eggshells in their house at all times, keeping the house dark and silent to keep their mother's sensitivities to a minimum. When a fight would breakout between the children they would both be reprimanded with loud screams. Would be told how lucky they were that their father wasn't home.
Ilya knew that Grigori was by far the worse parent. He was loud, and rude, and belittling. He liked order and simplicity, and was not quiet about how much he despised the life he had ended up with. How his children were too loud and incapable, how his wife was no good and useless. How he did everything he could to provide for his family and in return everyone was ungrateful and foolish. How all they were worth was what they could offer and that seemed to be a problem in the Rozanov household. That an abusive relationship with his father blindsided the narcissistic need of his mother.
It wasn't until Ilya was an adult did he realize anything other than what he had long thought about Irina. He would realize the way he put her on a pedestal because she was also being abused and tormented by his father, that her actions were not her fault. That yes she was beautiful and funny, and so so sad, but that she also had a wild sense of control that kept her spiraling. He'd soon begin to realize the things that she did and would think
"I didn't deserve that"
"I was just a child"
"It was not my fault"
"I couldn't have fixed it, it wasn't my job"
"I was too young to know better"
"I shouldn't have ever been put in those situations"
It would take Ilya a long time to learn that he was valuable outside of what he could offer or how he performed. Shane would teach him love in ways that he was weary of at first without realizing that that's how sweet and tender it was supposed to be. That silence does not equate to peace, and avoidance does not equate to everything being fine. Ilya would discover new things to be upset and resent, however for the first time in his life he was told that it was alright and he didn't have to forgive right away. That it was okay to be angry that he was used and parentified by the people that were supposed to be his everything.
I think Ilya still loves and cherishes Irina more than he could ever begin to even contemplate Grigori's existence. However, I also believe that as he continues to grow up he learns that she's not the saint he once believed her to be, but also that that is okay. That she wasn't perfect, and she had her flaws, but that he's comfortable in acknowledging them to make sure he never repeats them. That Shane and him are lovers that openly discuss feelings and show love, that hitting and screaming are simply not acceptable things to have in any relationship. That he watches the signs within his own depression to make sure that he doesn't become so gone that he uses everybody and everything in his way.
I think it's okay that maybe Irina wasn't all she was made out to be, and that deep down Ilya still thinks of her as an angel when it came to the wrath of his father. She was still his mother, she did love him and she did her best to protect him. But sometimes she was also selfish and indignant.
I think Ilya just has to live and learn with that realization. But he'll be okay. He's learning how to be okay.
