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tommy's face right after eddie tells buck "but his [chimney's] wedding is about you?" GOD THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER ONE LIKE HIM. TOMMY IS THE PERFECT PARTNER FOR BUCK BYE
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Bucks leans against the counter watching everyone. Denny, Mara, Jee and Christopher are loudly playing a board game at the coffee table while Karen is smiling taking photographs of them. Chim, Hen and Eddie are laughing on the sofa about something and Maddie was off to the side with baby Robbie bouncing in her arms.
It wasnβt the worst thanksgiving. He was surrounded by familyβnot everybody has that, right? He looks at the mess left in Maddie and Chimβs kitchen from the dinner heβd cooked, and at the dining table covered in dirty plates and trays of leftover food that everybody had just left. He canβt remember if any of them said thank you to him.
They each gave thanks before they ateβHen was thankful for her wife and kids, Eddie was thankful to have Christopher back, Chim was thankful to be alive and Maddie was thankful for Chim being alive and for her kids. When heβs about to say what heβs thankful for Robbie cries from his nursery and Maddie goes to check on him and everybody just starts digging into the food.
Itβs fine.
He begins cleaning up. Doesnβt ask for help. Theyβre all enjoying themselves and he doesnβt want to disturb them. He can hear everybody laughing in the living room while heβs washing the plates by hand. Maddie insisted they use their fancy dish-ware for the occasion which are hand wash only. Heβs halfway through the dishes when Eddie walks into the kitchen to grab another beer.
βWhy are you doing in here? Christopher wants you to play UNO with him.β
βTell him Iβll be there in a minuteβjust want to finish clearing up.β He turns back to the task at hand.
βCβmon, you can clear up later.β
βSome of the pans need to be cleaned now before the food gets stuck. It wonβt take long.β
Eddie rolls his eyes. βWhat happened to you, Buck? You used to be fun.β
Buck turns his head to reply but Eddie is already walking away.
Itβs fine.
He finishes cleaning most of the dishes except for a couple of pans that need some extra soaking, and heβs boxing up all of the leftovers when Maddie walks into the kitchen.
βDid you clean up?β She looks around the almost spotless kitchen.
βUh, yeah.β
βYou should have asked us to help.β She says.
Buck shrugs. βDidnβt want to disturb your guysβs fun.β He gives a smile but it doesnβt reach his eyes.
βAre you okay?β She asks softly.
βYeah, why?β
βYou seem.. quieter than usual.β Sheβs looks genuinely concerned.
βItβs.. itβs the first thanksgiving without Bobby.β Maddie nods sympathetically. βAnd every time I start to feel like Iβm okay, I-β
βMommy.β Jee walks into the kitchen with a look that Buck recognises as the one where sheβs about 30 seconds from crying. βMara wonβt give me my doll back.β
Maddie softly rolls her eyes. βOkay, come on.β She leads her daughter back to the living room leaving Buck alone in the kitchen again.
Itβs fine.
Itβs getting late and everyone is finding their shoes and coats to leave. Buck gestures to all the leftovers boxed up on the table.
βThereβs leftovers for everyone.β He reminds them.
Hen waves her hand. βNone for us, but thanks.β
βEddie?β
βUs either. Itβll probably all just go bad in the fridge.β He tells Buck.
Buck turns to his sister βHey, least you donβt have to cook dinner for the next few days.β
βActually, could you take them?β She says.
βAll of them?β Thereβs so much leftover than Buck wouldnβt be able to go through it all before it all would need to be thrown out. He wouldnβt mind so much usually, but all of the effort heβd put into cooking for everybody, he hated seeing all that effort wasted.
βYou cooked, right? If anyone deserves the leftovers itβs you.β She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. She meant well, Buck knew that. And at least it was some acknowledgment that heβd cooked for everyone. He lets its go.
He thinks about the evening as heβs driving home. It was nice to see everybody togetherβthat doesnβt happen much these days. But itβs not like it used to be, not even close. At least not for himβeverybody else seemed to be acting like business as usual and he canβt for the life of him understand how they find it so easy. He knows they all miss Bobby but they donβt seem to be affected by it like he is.
He notices Bobbys absence every time he walks into the station and heβs not there cooking breakfast. He notices when he does something a little impulsive and Bobby isnβt there to reel him back in. And when theyβre all sitting around the thanksgiving dinner table, to eat a meal that Bobby didnβt cook, he notices his absence at the table.
If heβd have had the chance to speak at dinner heβd have said how thankful he was to have had Bobby in his life. How thankful he was that Bobby taught him more about how to be a man than his own father. And he would definitely have spoken of his thanks that Bobby took the time to teach him how to cook. But he never got the chance to.
He felt.. invisible. They saw him and spoke to him over the course of the evening but about nothing more than surface level stuff. Every conversation heβd been involved in was instigated by him. Nobody asked how he was doing, nobody offered help to cook, and nobody thanked him for his efforts. He wonders if heβd have left at any point how long it would have taken them to notice.
He pulls into his driveway and looks down at the ridiculous amount of Tupperware containers on his passenger seat.
Itβs not fine.
He puts the car into reverse and pulls back out onto the street and drives away.
****
His adrenaline was pumping hard as he drove to his destination, but by the time heβs standing at the door, a plethora of Tupperware boxes in his arms, heβs starting to question his decision.
He sees the blurry form of the man through the frosted glass of the window and his heart rate shoots up.
Please dear god let this be the right decision.
Forget his heart rate shooting upβit damn near stopped the second Tommy opened the door. Heβs just as handsome as when Buck last saw him at Bobbys funeral and his stomach twisted and filled with butterflies just as it always did. Tommyβs hair was mussed up and his skin was a little darker under his eyesβa sure fire tell that heβd just gotten off shift.
Heβs clearly surprised to see his ex boyfriend at his doorstep. βEvan? What are- is everything okay?β
βNo. I-I mean yes, I mean its..β He knows heβs babbling; a mixture of nerves and his natural response to being in the presence of Tommy. He stops himself and takes a centring breath. βYou told me once that you always work holidays, and I didnβt know if you had eaten a proper thanksgiving meal and I made dinner for everyone and thereβs a tonne of leftovers and thought maybe you might like some.β
It all came out in one fast-talking continuous sentence and Tommy takes a second for it to sink in. Of course the longer he takes the more nervous Buck gets that heβs over stepped.
βIβm-Iβm sorry. I should have called or texted you first.β
βYouβre right.β Tommy finally says and Bucks stomach drops in disappointment.
βRight. Iβm-Iβm sorry, Iβll, uh.. Iβll go.β He turns away but Tommy reaches out and lightly palms his arm.
βNo. I meant that youβre right I didnβt have a proper thanksgiving dinner.β
βOh.β Buck tries to ignore the rising hope in his chest. βDo you..β he lifts up the boxes in his hands.
Tommy gives him a soft smile and steps back, opening the door wider to allow Buck inside. Heβd wondered on the driver over if Tommyβs house would feel different but it doesnβt. Itβs just as warm and welcoming as it was the last time heβd been here. A vague thought of it feeling like home crossed his mind.
Half an hour and a heated up dinner later Buck is sat with Tommy at his breakfast table drinking a mug of tea while Tommy tucks into his dinner.
βIs it inappropriate to say that I missed your cooking?β Tommyβs asks.
Buck chuckles. βIβll allow it.β Tommy smiles with a mouth full of stuffing and he still looks beautiful as ever.
βYou, uh weβre on shift today?β
Tommy nods and swallows his mouthful. β4 separate rescues of hikers deciding a hike after a full turkey dinner was a good idea.β
βItβs like going swimming after eating.β
βExactly.β Tommy finishes his last bite and wipes his mouth, sitting back in his seat. βSo.. how are you?β
Buck wants to tell him heβs fine. He doesnβt want to admit how things at the 118 have been since Bobby died because Tommy will probably be all sweet and supportive and Buck desperately wants that but he doesnβt know if can handle that coming from his friend Tommy.
However, Tommy always had an uncanny ability to read Buck like a book. It freaked him out a bit when they first started dating but over time he grew to be comforted by it. Really did he ever have to tell Tommy that something was bothering himβTommy always knew.
βI.. things are.. itβs been hard.β
Tommy looks at him sympathetically. βDo you want to talk about it?β
βI donβt want to bother you. Iβm probably just making things about me again.β He wasnβt the one who died or lost a husband. What right does have to expect anybody to drop everything and comfort him?
A perplexing look crossed Tommyβs face. βAgain?β
βI do have a habit of making situations about me. You remember how I acted out when we first met and you were hanging out with Eddie.β
βYeah. I also remember the reason why.β Tommy reminds him and Buck canβt help the blush from sneaking its way across his cheeks.
βThatβs.. that was different. Everybody is grieving BobbyβIβm not special. I donβt deserve support over everybody else.β
βEvan, are you.. are you not getting any support from anyone?β
βItβs not their faults.β Buck replied defensively. βThey-they all have their families to help them, they donβt need me.β
βOkay. But what support are you getting?β
Buck canβt help but look away embarrassed. He shrugs in response. βOne of the last things Bobby said to me was that they were going to need me, but they donβt.β
βIβm sure thatβs not true.β
βBut it is, Tommy. Iβve tried so hard to be there for everyone and-and make sure theyβre okay but they just push me away. I even tried cooking like Bobby used toβI thought making family dinners might be a nice way to keep a piece of Bobby around, but theyβd just order something in for themselves instead. Itβs like.. like Iβm invisible.β He quickly wipes a tear from the corner of his eye.
βOh, Evan.β Tommy put his hand on Buckβs shoulder. βYou could have called me.β
βI wanted to, but I didnβt think I had the right to after that night we had and what I said youβit would have been selfish to call for your help again.β
βItβs not selfish to need support. And as for that day.. you were honest about how you felt and I canβt ask for more than that.β
βNo!β Buck loudly protested. βIt wasnβt how I felt. I.. I was just angry that-that you thought Eddie was your competition and I lashed out. It wasnβt how I felt. Not at all.β
βOh.β Is all Tommy replies with.
βBut you are rightβI shouldβve called. Not for me, but to see how you are.β With everything that has happened the last few months, Buck kept forgetting the Tommy cared for Bobby, too.
βMe? Oh Iβm fine.β He waves away Bucks words.
βBobby was your captain, too, Tommy, and I should have been there for you. Iβm sorry that I wasnβt.β
βItβs not your fault.β
βYes, it is. I was so focused on trying to live out Bobbyβs last words to me that I didnβt stop think about you and how you felt about everything.β
As the words leave his mouth he realises that itβs an exact repeat of what happened in their relationshipβhe ran with the pace Tommy allowed him to move at but never checked in with him.
βThatβs the second time Iβve done that to you.β He admits.
βEvan, it wasnβt-β
βTommy, if youβre about to say that it wasnβt my fault that we broke up, please donβt. I ran ahead at a thousand miles per hour and never bothered to talk to you about it; ask you if you were comfortable or-or if you needed to slow down. I donβt blame you for leaving when I asked you to move inβit was too soon. But..β
βBut what?β
βBut you didnβt have to leave. You-you couldβve told me that you werenβt ready to move in.β
Tommy shakes his head. βI was ready, that was the problem.β
βI donβt understand.β
βIt doesnβt matter, now.β Tommy says standing up to bring his plate to the sink. Buck canβt help the frustration that rises inside of him.
βIt does matter, Tommy.β He argues.
βWe donβt need to talk about it, now.β Tommy volleys back.
βOkay, no.β Buck gets up and stands a few feet away from Tommy. βNo, see this is the main issue we had beforeβwe never talked. We-we never asked and we never talked. So Iβm asking you to explain what you meant.β
Tommy, still facing the sink, looks up at the ceiling and sighs. Buck watches his Adamβs apple bob as he swallows before turning to face Buck.
βYou scare the shit out of me.β
That is definitely not what Buck was expecting to hear.
βI do? How?β
βBy being you.β Buckβs brows knit tightly together in abject confusion. βEvan, you are the kindest and sweetest and most loving person I have ever met. Youβre thoughtful, generous, loyal to a fault and have a heart the size of Alaska. There is not a single malicious bone in your body and in the 6 months we were together you showed me more kindness and grace and care than Iβd ever experienced.β
βI donβt.. Iβm sorry, but I still donβt understand.β
βThe deeper feelings I grew for you the more I got used to how good you made me feel. How wanted, how.. cherished. And the thought of that stopping?β He shook his head. βI loved the way you always looked at me; made me feel like.. like I was a hero. Your hero. So, I tried to be that; tried to be the big, strong man you needed but the whole time I was terrified the mask would slip and youβd see the man underneath who never felt worthy of you.β
Buck is, quite honestly, stunned into silence. Not least because Tommy was right. Mostly.
He did put him on some sort of pedestal. Tommy is by far the coolest guy heβd ever met. Firefighter pilot who saves lives everyday, physically strong, gorgeous and charming to boot? He was like every action hero rolled into one!
But despite what some of the others think, Buck isnβt naΓ―veβhe knows that Tommy isnβt perfect. As solid as Tommy thinks his mask was when they were together, Buck still noticed when heβd change the subject when his past came up or the subtle changes in his expression when he wanted to disagree with something Buck said but didnβt.
βDid I ever give you any indication that I would leave you if I found out that you werenβt perfect?β
βNo, but-β
βBut what? Tommy, you are my hero.β He raises his hand to stop Tommy from arguing. βAnd I donβt mean in a perfect, superhero kind of way. I mean it because you have fought to be where you are today. Iβm not dumbβI know there are things in your past you donβt like to talk about. I can see it in your eyes sometimes or-or when you change the topic of conversation. But youβre still here. Youβre still you and despite the things youβve been through, whatever they are, youβre still one of the best people I know.
Tommy turns away and shakes his head. He was never any good at hearing positive affirmations about himself.
βI wish I could see myself the way that you do.β He admits quietly. βMe leaving wasnβt about you making me think youβd end things at some point, it was because everything in my life Iβve lo- cared for has been taken away from me. Itβs so difficult to trust that good things stay.β
Buck raises an eyebrow. βDid you just say itβs not you itβs me?β Thereβs a sliver of a smirk decorating his mouth and Tommy playfully rolls his eyes.
βTechnically yes, but itβs true. Itβs why before, when you stopped me from speaking, I was going to say that you are not entirely to blame for our break up. Yes, you were rightβyou did run 1000 steps ahead without letting me know where you were going and that wasnβt okay. But, I had a mouthβa voice, that I couldβve used to tell you to slow down.β
Silence engulfs them for a little while as they stand side by side leaning against the counter. Buck feels oddly better. He still feels like his life is upside down and still has no clue how to make things better. But finally having a real conversation with Tommy, even one where theyβre confessing their mistakes and pointing out others, has lifted some of that unbearable weight off of his shoulders.
βIβm sorry, Tommy.β He says softly. βFor my part in what happened.β
Tommy looks at him sincerely. βIβm sorry, too.β
Buck is unsure whether the next thing he wants to say is appropriate. Or least if itβs the right time. But in the spirit of honesty, and more than a little desperation, he decides to just go for it.
βI love you.β He confesses. βYou know that, right? I have since before we broke up. I-I kick myself every day I didnβt just tell you that instead of asking you to move in.β
Tommy, still with a look of surprise plastered across his face, replies. βWhy didnβt you?β
βWeβve already established that I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.β He chuckled and Tommy, mercifully, reciprocates. βSometimes I get so far ahead that I just assume everybody else knows what page Iβm on. Typically I only realise thatβs not been the case when it blows up in my face.β
Tommy, looking decidedly contemplative, doesnβt say anything for a minute.
βItβs okay if you donβt feel the same about me.β Itβs not okay at all but the last thing Buck wants itβs Tommy to feel more shitty than he already does.
βThats the thing..β Here it comes, Buck thinks. βI do feel the same.β
Oh.
For a moment his lungs forget how to breathe. His heart is hammering against his ribcage. But heβs still trying to keep his hopes at a reasonable level.
βYou.. you do?β
βIt was never about not loving you, Evan. Never. Itβs was about.. Iβm not a brave man.β
Buck snorts at that. βSays the firefighter.β
βThatβs different. Work is.. There are rules and regulationsβguidelines to keep up safe. Love is.. I know what Iβm doing in a fire. Yes, it can be unpredictable but for the most part I know what will happen if I make a mistake. Giving my heart, my whole heart, to somebody.. thatβs infinitely scarier.β
This should not be as enamouring as it is, yet Buck is so endeared by Tommyβs candour he stiffens as a means to stop himself from jumping him. He takes a second then steps into Tommyβs space, taking each of his hands as his. Tommy sucks in a nervous breath at the action.
βIβm scared, too, ya know?β Buck admits. βYou.. Iβve never..β He takes a deep breath. Theyβve been honest with each other so far but now is the time to put all of his cards in the table and hope to god he has a winning hand. βI am more in love you than I know what to do with. As far as Iβm concerned you are my last. I believe it, I feel it, I know it. Even if you donβt want me anymore, even we both move on and meet someone else and get married and have babies and the whole white picket fence.. even then youβll still be my last, and-β
Tommyβs mouth stops his babbling, lips pressing hot and hard into his. Itβs messy, uncoordinated, all teeth and tongue and heavy breaths. Buck feels like every one of his bones have melted into syrup and doesnβt resist when Tommy pushes him backwards to the wall opposite. He wants to cry. He wants Tommy to take him in front of everyone he knows to show them that Hey look somebody actually loves me! Itβs childish and ridiculous but he doesnβt care because Tommy is kissing along his jaw.
Annoyingly, the few remaining brain cells Tommy has yet to rid him of, do their job and he remembers that part of the reason their relationship imploded the first time was because they were so wrapped up in each other they didnβt talk.
Reluctantly, he speaks up, taking Tommys head gently in his hands and pulling him away. A flash of fear crosses Tommyβs eyes. He places a few extra chaste kisses to his lips.
βI canβt believe that Iβm the one saying this but.. we should, uh.. we should slow down.β
Tommy rests his head against Bucks. βI canβt believe Iβm going to say this but, do we have to?β His tone was deliberately childish and he stuck out his bottom lip in an exaggerated pout.
βI think..β He kisses Tommys cheek. βThat itβs for the best.β
Tommy reciprocates the cheek kiss and steps back. He points his thumb behind him towards the counter. βDid I spot some cake in one of those boxes.β
Buck grins proudly. βChocolate.β Tommy makes a happy sound and Buck feels it in his soul. He takes Bucks hand and leads him to the counter, taking out two forks from the drawer and handing one to Buck.
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S9 Buck so far with his looks, his confidence, mentorship and being a big brother to Harry, his sweetness and still being a goofball, his baking, and his overall storyline has been so fucking delicious
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
β Live Streamingβ Interactive Chatβ Private Showsβ HD Qualityβ Free Actions
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
i was in the mood for some classic whump. here's part 4 of the water rescue fic
warning: this part gets pretty heavy
part 1 by @peppermintquartz
part 2
part 3
~
"Hey, Evan," Tommy sighs.
People in movies always say their loved ones look small in hospital beds. That's not true here. The hard-won muscular bulk of him dominates the space and whenever the ventilator treats his lungs like a pair of balloons, his chest expands, filling even more of the room. If not for his pale complexion, he'd look vital, ready to bust out of all these tubes and wires any second.
"I've got, uh." Tommy glances at his watch as he sits down. "Fourteen minutes. That's enough for almost three of those awful public speaking projects I had to do in high school."
Evan's hair dried messily, more confused, misguided wave than curls. He wouldn't like it. He's really fussy about how he looks in public, every strand needing to be in place. Tommy takes his watch off to give his fingers something to do.
"I actually think I can remember one of them? It was about umpires. Mrs. Naismith let us choose our topic and I yammered about guys that got crucified over bad calls."
Feeling like a rambling weirdo, Tommy pieces together what he retained from that school project almost Evan's entire lifetime ago. The balloons in his chest keep getting filled at exactly the same rate and volume, causing an equal rise and fall each time.
"You should come back," he blurts out, when he can't take the unnatural lack of response anymore. This man does not passively listen. When he isn't commenting, he's shifting his posture or the angle of his head, turning in, making the other person the only thing that exists to him in that moment. "Just- Just please come back. All those people back there who love you, they're waiting."
He traces the words inked into the side of Evan's forearm and lays a hand over Evan's wrist. "For what it's worth, I'm waiting, too. Open your eyes soon. Okay?"
The flesh under his touch tenses up, the hand trembling. Under the blankets, his knees are moving. "Evan? Oh my God, can you hear me?"
His eyes are still closed, his expression slack beneath the EEG electrodes on his forehead and the device securing the endotracheal tube in his mouth. This isn't purposeful. His entire body is shaking.
Medical staff rush into the room and Tommy is all but shoved out.
Through the glass he watches as everything calms, the twitching and convulsing settling back to the unnatural stillness from before, only for it to all start back up again a few minutes later.
~
"Clinical seizures are common in these cases. It doesn't necessarily indicate a poor prognosis." Maddie's measured words are undercut by the way her expression keeps springing into despair. "There's still a lot we don't know. He could come back to us any minute and make a full recovery."
Eddie, Athena, and the Grant kids go to the chapel. Hen grabs both the Hans in a hug that lasts longer than Evan's seizure.
"Hey." Ravi gives him a nudge. Tommy blinks at him. "I think we could both use some air."
The married couple cling to their dear friend. One of the women sobs loudly.
"Yeah," Tommy says, nodding like a bobblehead.
The tears come as soon as they make it outside, and then his knees turn to water. His entire system feels liquid, amorphous, spreading out in all directions with nothing to keep him together. Is this what it was like when Evan drowned? When he collapsed in that hallway after saying goodbye to Bobby?
"I know," Ravi says, his own voice thick with pending grief. With an arm around Tommy's back, he steers them both to the bench and holds on. "I know, man. Just breathe."