🚒 DAILY KINLEY 🚁

@two-bees-poetry’s so soft, it hurts

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“Ah.”

They sat in a cautious silence for a moment.

“I heard you were doing some work with the pilots in training?” Evan broke the silence.

“Yeah, I’m about fifty-fifty with the academy now,” Tommy told him. “Mostly working with the pilot hopefuls, but a little bit of ground work too.”

“That’s great. They’re lucky to have you.”

“And you’re still with the 118?” Tommy checked.

“Yep. Same old same old.”

“And… how have you been?”

“Did you know Jee started second grade? She’s like, reading and writing on her own. Has opinions about things that aren’t just food. Still has time for Uncle Buck,” Evan smiled, though Tommy thought it seemed a bit put on. “The helicoter you gave her is still one of her favourite toys.”

“Oh, she still has that?” Tommy was surprised. He was sure it would have been quietly cleared out after he’d broken up with Evan.

“Well, most of it. She had a minor meltdown when Robbie broke one of the rotor blades off.”

“Who’s Robbie?”

“Oh, uh,” Evan looked confused and a little flustered. “He’s Jee’s brother.”

“Oh, right, Maddie was pregnant,” Tommy remembered, then flushed a little thinking about the circumstances where he’d found out about that. “Robbie’s a nice name.”

Evan’s shoulders slumped. “Yeah. It’s a nickname.”

Tommy was an idiot about a lot of things, but it was easy to connect the dots here. “Oh. They named him after…?”

“Yeah.”

“That must have been really tough,” Tommy said sympathetically.

“Well uh, the good thing about being the single childless uncle is that they really only expect you to look after one kid at a time, and Jee usually wins.”

“Ah,” Tommy nodded like he understood.

“She still asks when I’m going to take her up in a helicopter.”

“I'm sure we could find a day that works,” Tommy offered.

“Oh I didn’t — I wasn’t — you don’t have to do that. You’re under no obligations.”

“Who said anything about obligation?” Tommy smiled and hoped Evan would smile along with him. “You know I like flying on my days off. Always room for some fun passengers.”

“I’ll see what her parents say.”

Well, it wasn’t a no. Tommy decided to prod a little more.

“I didn’t hear who took over as Captain at the 118.”

“Uh,” Evan raised a hand and scratched at the back of his neck. “it was Chim for a bit, but it was a little too much for him with two kids at home, and Hen ended up taking over the position.”

“She must be really good at it,” Tommy tried to dig out some more information. “I bet the new probies love her.”

“I guess,” Evan said non-committedly.

“Hey,” Tommy nudged his foot under the table. “What aren’t you saying?”

Evan sighed. “… I moved to C shift a couple of months after Hen took over.”

“Oh,” Tommy tried not to let his face show his surprise.

“Yeah it just… didn’t feel right anymore. But I didn’t want to leave the station, so…”

“Understandable,” Tommy said, even though this did not compute with the Evan he had known three years ago. “Do you, um, still see everyone?”

“Well, Maddie and Chimney obviously, but Maddie a little more than Chim, because of the different shifts,” Evan said. “Jee and Mara are still close so sometimes the Wilsons are there too.”

“And… that’s it?”

“Well, Ravi moved to C with me when there was another opening.”

“Right, you said he was here earlier,” Tommy remembered.

“Yep.” There was that half, not quite a smile again. “What about you?”

“Do — I still talk to them?” Tommy was a little baffled by the question. “A couple times on evacs.”

“Oh.” Evan’s forehead creased. “And, uh, are you seeing anyone?”

Single childless uncle, Tommy felt the phrase bouncing around in his head. “No.”

“… have you?”

“Since…?” Tommy let it trail off. “Uh. Um.” He swallowed. “Just a couple casual things.” Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“Right. Casual.” Evan nodded. “Kind of your M.O., huh?”

Tommy wasn’t sure what his face was doing, but it made Evan look contrite.

“Sorry,” Evan apologized.

Tommy waved it off. “You?” He could handle some more salt in the wound. Probably. Maybe.

“There was… someone,” Evan said, cautiously. “About two years ago. It ended… worse than the last time.”

Tommy couldn’t stop whatever his eyebrows were doing in time.

“Yes, fine, it was Taylor,” Evan said snappishly. “I’ve already heard it all, thanks.”

“How long—?” Tommy started to ask, then stopped.

“Three months,” Evan said. “Some things were good, but mostly… it was not.”

“I’m—” sorry? tired of missing you? better than she is? the worst boyfriend ever?

Evan pursed his lips. “You wanna get out of here?”

“Uh—”

“Not like that,” Evan had the audacity to roll his eyes, like they hadn’t played this scenario out before. “For food. There’s a good food cart a couple blocks down.”

“Sure,” Tommy threw back the last of his beer and followed Evan out of the bar.

Evan led him unerringly down a couple of blocks, twisting through some side roads to avoid the drunken crowds near the bars. The food cart appeared before them, a short line of people already there, and a few people sitting along a low wall next to the stand and eating. Tommy wondered how Evan had found the place. It wasn’t far from the bars, but just out of the way enough to not be overrun.

Evan and Tommy joined the line, Evan playing with his phone while Tommy craned his neck forward to check out the menu.

“Get the fish tacos,” Evan suggested, finally looking up from his phone. “You’d like those.”

Tommy focused on the ingredients, spotting that they came with mango chutney. He felt a little flush of warmth that Evan had remembered that he liked that on his tacos.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

When they finally got to the front and ordered, Tommy managed to get his credit card out before Evan could and paid for both their orders. Evan looked like he was trying to refrain from sticking out his tongue at Tommy.

They took their tacos and the waters Tommy had insisted on from the workers at the stand, and Tommy let Evan take the lead again. He took them around the corner to a small park with two benches next to each other.

Evan sat on the inside of one bench, leaving Tommy to choose his spot. Tommy chewed his lip. The far end of Evan’s bench would mean their food would be between them; the far end of the other bench would essentially be a rejection. He sat at the inside of the other bench, closest to Evan. They still had about a foot of space between them, but it wasn’t filled with their food, only the memories of what they used to be to each other.

Evan gave a little half smile before he took a bite of his taco, and Tommy felt like he had passed some kind of test. They ate their tacos in silence, balling up the wrappers and tossing them into the takeaway paper bag. Tommy watched from the corner of his eye as Evan leaned back against the bench, taking a couple large gulps of water.

“So,” Evan said.

“So,” Tommy echoed, turning to face him rather than the empty swings. Evan mirrored him, stretching out his long legs and bumping their ankles together.

“I’m sorry,” Tommy said, his voice quiet in the night air.

“For what?”

“That you and Taylor didn’t work out,” Tommy quickly said, because what he actually wanted to apologize for was probably too much to address right now.

Another eye roll from Evan. “Sure, cause that’s what you need to apologize for.” A short pause. “I knew she and I wouldn’t work out. It was just— a patch? A bandaid?" He snorted. “Never mind, maybe you should be apologizing for that.”

Tommy felt a little off-kilter. “Um, why?”

“Wow, you are an idiot.” Evan blew out a breath. “Tommy, you broke my heart.”

Make that a lot off kilter. “I — what?”

Evan looked at him thoughtfully. “Did you really not know?”

Tommy mutely shook his head.

“I asked you to move in,” Evan emphasized. “What did you think my feelings for you were?”

“How could I have known?” Tommy burst out. “It’s not like you ever said anything close to defining your feelings. The closest you got was a speech about the gay people that came before you and how I was ‘transformative’,” he did finger quotes around the word.

“I—” Evan stopped, blinked. “I never said it?”

“Said it? Said what?” Tommy demanded.

“That I love you,” Evan said, simply, plainly, with just a hint of you’re an idiot.

Tommy’s mouth fell open. “Yeah, that was, uh, not something you said.”

“Huh.” There was that thoughtful look again. “Maybe I should be apologizing to you then.”

“For what?”

“I… haven’t been the nicest about you since the breakup,” Evan admitted.

“That seems fair.” Tommy was still confused by the turn the conversation had taken, but he did feel like that was a perfectly valid reaction from Evan. Honestly, he would have been a little surprised if he hadn’t felt that way. “Wait. You said love. Not loved.”

The flush that appeared on Evan’s face was near instantaneous, and dark enough that his birthmark was hard to see.

“Do you still feel that way about me?” Tommy asked. Part of him didn’t want to ask, but a bigger part of him needed to know the answer.

“Tommy,” Evan said, a hint of pleading to his voice, tilting his head back and looking up to the night sky.

“Evan,” Tommy took a chance and rested a hand on his knee. Evan startled, looking first at Tommy’s hand and then at Tommy’s face. “Evan. Please.”

“Yeah. Yes. I’m so—”

Tommy surged forward before Evan could finish, pressing their lips together. Evan sighed into him, relaxing and winding his arms around Tommy’s neck, pulling him closer. Tommy had to brace one hand on the back of Evan’s bench to stop himself from tipping over completely, the other curling around Evan’s back and pressing them together. This. This felt like no time had passed. The years between then and now didn’t matter.

“Hey,” Tommy said when they finally pulled apart, still holding himself up with the bench, his other hand cupping Evan’s cheek now. “What are you doing on Saturday?”

“No Saturdays, no Italian restaurants,” Evan said, pupils blown wide. “They’re cursed.”

“Never?”Tommy teased gently. “There’s more than one Italian restaurant in L.A.”

“Not never, but not yet,” Evan conceded.

“Friday? Flying?” Tommy suggested.

“I think we can make that work,” Evan said with a smile.

“I know we can make this work,” Tommy promised, pulling them both upright so he could kiss Evan properly this time.

“Maybe we can take Jee up the weekend after that?” Evan asked when they separated again.

“We can take her up every weekend if you want.”

Evan’s smile was blinding.

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He finds Ravi and Karen together, isn't sure what he says past Evan sent me. He borrows Karen's phone, his own having been confiscated somewhere along the way, and he counts down the minutes carefully while he keeps one eye on Ravi.

Once ten minutes have elapsed with no sign of Evan or Athena, he scrolls through Karen's contacts until he finds Eddie's number. He doesn't bother to calculate the time difference to El Paso. This isn't a 'wait until a civilized hour' kind of call, and he hates that he's the one making it. Not for himself, but for Eddie, for Evan. He doesn't think he's what either of them need right now.

There isn't enough time for it to be awkward between Eddie answering a call from Karen's number and hearing Tommy's voice.

"Fuck," Eddie says. "Who?"

"Bobby," Tommy tells him.

"Shit. How - how bad?"

"Eddie…"

"You're - you're kidding."

It's a reflex, Tommy knows that. Eddie doesn't think that poorly of him, whatever else he might think.

"I'm really sorry."

Eddie's voice is tinny when it comes next, like Tommy's abruptly been put on speaker. "I'm finding a flight. Everyone else?"

"Physically, yeah. They'll be fine. I think Karen's going to start laying out FBI agents if we don't get to a hospital soon."

"FB - Man, what the fuck happened?"

Tommy gives him as much of an overview as he can, then stops abruptly. There's activity at the main doors.

"Eddie, I gotta go. I'll get Evan to call you from the hospital."

"Okay. I'll be there late evening."

"I'll let them know."

Tommy sees - jesus christ - the body bag, Athena swept away in a huddle of uniformed figures and then catches sight of Evan. He's ramrod straight, phone in his hand, pointing at the screen as he goes toe to toe with someone Tommy's willing to bet has the authority to ruin all their lives. Well. Relatively speaking.

"One button, Major," he hears Evan say as he gets close enough. "You can throw me in whatever black hole you want after, but unless my people are released into medical care right now, one button is all it takes to send all this to the best, meanest investigative journalist on this coast."

"Firefighter - "

"Look at me," Evan says, quiet. "Look at my face and tell me I'm bluffing."

Under any other circumstances, it would be wildly attractive.

The Major turns, already radioing orders, and Evan's left alone for a second. The rigidity in every bone of Evan's body doesn't ease even a little, and Tommy walks up to him with the strange sense that Evan's not there, not in the ways that matter. Not that he's insubstantial, but in that he's too solid to be really real.

"What do you need me to do?" Tommy asks.

Evan, hands on his hips, looking over Tommy's shoulder, eyes moving like he's doing a headcount, so solid he might as well be carved of marble, says, "Come to the hospital."

Tommy goes to the hospital. 

Time passes in the strange expanding and contracting way it does after a loss. Tommy fetches coffees, hands out a vending machine's worth of snacks, keeps himself on the periphery. Once it's confirmed that Hen and Chimney are pulling through okay, once Evan is occupied with Athena's kids, he slips away to the bathroom, locks himself in a cubicle and sobs for five minutes. He can't believe - he can't believe - 

When he gets back to the waiting room, Evan's gaze zeroes in on him immediately, but it's a minute before he crosses the room to Tommy and looks at him intently.

"Where'd you go?" he asks, and for a second, the hardness in his voice makes Tommy think he's mad. But it's not that. It's concern. Concern for Tommy, right now, of all times.

"Bathroom," Tommy manages. "What do you - "

What do you need, what can I do, please please please just tell me how to help you.

Evan reaches out and squeezes his shoulder.

"It's okay," he says. "I know he meant a lot to you too. You should sit down."

"Evan."

"Sit down," Evan says again. "Drink some water. Eat some terrible vending machine snacks. I need to go check on Athena."

Tommy does as he's told.

It takes a long time, but finally, Evan's ready to leave the hospital. Not before he's sent Ravi off with Maddie's house keys to get stuff for Jee Yun and take it to the Lees' place, not before he's had a long phone conversation with Hen's mom, not before he's organized rides for everyone else in their rag-tag group who wound up at the hospital, not before he's worn himself to the bone. But eventually.

"I'll drive you home," Tommy says.

Evan nods, eyes on his phone screen. "Eddie's going to take an Uber from the airport. I can't get hold of Bobby's brother, but I'll keep trying while you drive."

"Okay," Tommy agrees. He doesn't know this guy. He doesn't know this version of Evan - he knew there was steel at the core of him, but he doesn't know this version where everything else has been stripped away.

When they get to Evan's house, he still hasn't managed to get Bobby's brother on the phone, but he's left a calm, even-toned message asking him to call. 

The house is almost unrecognizable from the last time Tommy was here - fully unpacked, fully Evan's in a way that feels startlingly strange. Evan unlocks the door and heads straight for the linen closet, starts putting covers on spare duvets and pillows. Tommy trails after him, helps him make up the bed in the spare room, feeling like he's on the other end of a string tied to the pin in a hand grenade.

"Evan," he says, when the room is done.

"I need to - " Evan starts.

"I think you need to sit down," Tommy interjects.

"No," Evan says, not mad or even loud, but unquestionable. "No, I don't need that."

Tommy feels like he's being turned inside out, like all the things Evan must be feeling are being transferred over to him for want of anywhere else to go.

"Evan," he says again, like it's the only word he knows.

"No. B-Bobby said they would need me. And they do. So I don't need to sit down. I need to - I need - "

"Did he say anything else?" Tommy asks.

It's a risk, but not a huge one, he thinks. In the unlikely event it's a no, Tommy gets an unexpected addition to the list of authority figures he wants to fistfight in an afterlife he doesn't think exists. 

Evan blinks at him for a moment, then looks away. 

"I'm going to do some batch cooking for Athena and the kids. You can help, or you can go to the store, or you can just go."

"Evan - "

"What, Tommy?" The snap in Evan's voice sounds like it hurts. "What do you want me to say? This isn't about me."

And that's just - that's just the wrongest thing Tommy's ever heard.

"Of course it's about you."

"No - " Evan says, pulling out his phone again and scrolling like a message from Bobby's brother will have appeared, despite the fact that he's cranked the ringtone up, and the house is a silent as - well.

"It's about you too. Evan, just stop. What else did Bobby say?"

He's prepared for that's none of your business, he's prepared to be shoved aside, he's prepared even for Evan to throw a punch, although that seems vanishingly unlikely. Whatever else Evan is right now, whatever emotions are running the show, he's Evan.

He's not prepared for the way Evan's face crumples, for the way the phone drops from fingers that seem to have gone nerveless. They were already close enough that when Evan pitches forward, it's directly into Tommy's waiting arms.

"He said - he said - he said he loved me," Evan says, and, well. Tommy feels like that probably went without saying for a lot of years, and he can't imagine how it must have felt to have it said right there, like that. Evan's not crying, but he is shaking, like everything is catching up to him all at once.

"He did," Tommy says. "Of course he did."

"No - Tommy - he said I'd be okay. But I'm not - I'm not - I'm not okay."

"Of course you're not."

"But they need me."

Tommy takes a breath, feels like he's inhaling broken glass. "They're not here. You can be not okay with me."

Evan shakes his head against Tommy's shoulder, tries to pull away. Tommy doesn't let him.

"E-Eddie'll be here soon."

"Yeah," Tommy says. "So let's be not okay until then."