Feel Like Knit

lets lay down with mama

lets lay down with mama

#my old phone looks like this on my shelf lmao #im too scared to touch it to throw it away #idk what trash this even goes into when its at this point

The pillow-shaped object here used to be the phone’s battery. It’s not a battery anymore. Now it’s a balloon full of corrosive, pyrophoric chemicals and hydrogen gas and it’s one puncture away from burning your house down. I am 100% serious. You should be scared to touch it.

But you gotta touch it, because you gotta get it out of your house before the pressure builds up to the point where the balloon pops. This isn’t going to happen soon – there is no need to panic – but it will happen eventually.

And, indeed, it doesn’t go in the ordinary trash. You put this in the ordinary trash and you’re gonna set the garbage truck on fire. Don’t do that to the garbage collectors, their job is hard enough already.

The first thing you need to do is get a fireproof container. The most common household item that qualifies as a fireproof container is a cast-iron cookpot with a cast-iron lid – often sold as a “Dutch oven.” Any other cooking container that’s unreactive, has a very high melting point, and has a lid made of the same materials will also work: enameled or stainless steel, Pyrex with glass lid, etc.

However: Do not use a pot with a PTFE-based non-stick coating. If the battery does explode, the fire will probably be hot enough to degrade a PTFE coating, producing toxic smoke. (Not that you should breathe the smoke from the battery fire either, but PTFE breakdown products are worse.) Do not use a pot made of aluminium or copper. The fire might even get hot enough to melt those.

Whatever container you use, you might have to throw away along with the phone, so don’t use your good Dutch oven for this. Go to a thrift store and buy a cheap one.

Once you have the fireproof container:

Gently pick up the phone and put it in the fireproof container. If possible, gently tape the phone to the bottom of the container to prevent it from bouncing around. Don’t put any padding in there, that’ll just make a fire worse if it does happen. Put the lid on and tape it shut.

Put a label on the container, something like “DEFECTIVE LI-ION BATTERY – FIRE HAZARD”.

It is now reasonably safe to move the container around. However, if the battery does explode, the container is very likely to leak smoke and get hot, so keep it in a well-ventilated area and away from things that will be damaged by heat. Don’t leave it exposed to the weather, either.

You need to find either a hazardous waste disposal site, or an e-waste recycler that will accept defective Li-ion batteries. I can’t help with that because I have no idea where you live.

However, your local fire department, if you have one, will probably be happy to help. Call their non-emergency number. Nothing is on fire yet, so this isn’t an emergency, but things that can easily start a fire are still within the fire department’s responsibilities. Tell them you have a phone with a bulging lithium-ion battery, you put it in a fireproof container, and you want to know how to dispose of it safely.

If the fire department tries to tell you this isn’t dangerous or it’s okay to throw it out in the regular trash (with or without fireproof container), hang up on them and write a cranky letter to your local government representatives, then keep looking for a proper disposal site.

the following events ensued:

1. predictable lively discussion on the preparation of Wienerschnitzel, in which natives and wurstaboos are pro-puff and everybody else is like *confused dog head tilt* why wouldn’t you want the crust to stay ~attached to the thing you put it on? as with other fried foods?

2. thirty “Bad Schnitzel is my band name” jokes

3. thirty “Bad Schnitzel is my stripper name” jokes

4. one “ah yes, Bad Schnitzel! a lovely spa town” joke

5. this absolute masterpiece:

Man with beautiful silver undercut and a coach bag: can I get a sheet of stamps please

Clerk: does it matter what kind?

And when a kid would assert something incorrect In class, he wouldn't tell them they were wrong, he would help lead them to the right answer and then when they admitted/ accepted the new information, he'd say "now we're both right! Nice work!"

Chapter 1: Unterlagen und Anträge will introduce you to that most essential element of German society: filling out paperwork. You'll learn to recognize basic vocabulary like Anschrift, Name und Vorname, Addresse, and Postleitzahl. You'll be introduced to rich German cultural practices, like filling out paperwork. You'll learn to tell delightful jokes, like Haben die diese Informationen nicht schon? and Liest denn niemand mehr seine E-Mails? You'll experience medieval customs which are alive and well in Germany, like mailing paper letters to deal with large organizations, and receiving them in return. And, of course, you will learn to socialize with other Germans while bonding over shared activities, like filling out paperwork.

Chapter 2: Alltägliche Belastigungen will cover going out, getting around, and getting things done. You'll learn how to say außer Betrieb, defekt, and nicht einsatzbereit. You'll learn how to make everyday conversation with phrases like Tut mir leid, mein Zug hatte Verspätung, and Ich habe versucht anzurufen, aber es war ständig besetzt. You'll learn about treasured German folkways like the Schuldenbremse and Investitionsschau. And you'll even learn about German mythology, and the tale of the invisible Digitalisierungsinitiative.

Chapter 3: Das Ist Nicht Richtig will teach you how to flourish in German society. You will learn, of course, that Sie brauchen ein anderes Formular. You'll learn how to say Das steht nicht auf Ihrer Webseite; Nein, wirklich, ich habe nachgeschaut; and Woher hätte ich das bitte wissen sollen?, and to recognize common phrases like Das ist nicht mein Problem and Und was soll ich Ihrer Meinung nach dagegen tun? And you'll learn how to ingratiate yourself with others with phrases like Sie haben Recht, das ist mein Fehler; Sie haben Recht, es ist nicht Ihre Aufgabe, so etwas zu wissen; and Mir ist bewusst, dass es unzumutbar ist, von Ihnen zu verlangen, Ihre Arbeit zu machen.

Chapter 4: Systemversagen will delve deeper into the rich texture of German life. You'll learn about everyday heroes, like Apotheker and Apothekerin who keep dangerous drugs like Paracetamol off the streets. You'll learn to blend in with phrases like Natürlich müssen wir die heimische Autoindustrie schützen, and Atomkraft ist eine Umweltkatastrophe, deshalb müssen wir weiter Kohle abbauen. And you'll learn about important ceremonial practices like Datenschutz, around which all of German society is oriented, though nobody seems to remember why.