Less Human, More Being

y’know what. i think we need to start validating every single expression of bisexuality. i mean it. if a bi girl claims she has no preference but mainly talks about guys, she’s still bisexual. if a bi guy has only dated men, he’s still bisexual. if someone has a preference, they’re absolutely just as bisexual. also, having no gender preference is absolutely, 100% an expression of bisexuality. when it comes down to it, there is no way to define bisexuality through an individual’s experience. if they are bisexual they are bisexual, no matter how others may see it. 

Please don’t joke about spanking me because I will get wet and needy

listen to yourself and watch your language. instead of saying “sorry for ranting”, say “thank you for listening to me”. instead of saying “sorry that i am overemotional”, say “thank you for trying to understand something difficult”. instead of saying “sorry if i am a burden”, say “thank you for the time and energy you invest in our friendship”. good things will come when you realize you are not an apology.

may we attract people with genuine intentions.

the whole “listen to classical music when you’re studying or doing homework” thing is such bullshit. u think i cant fucking jam to chopin? satie? beethoven? fuck you. i hear the first bar of prelude in b minor and i start fucking headbanging

i’d like to thank my favorite coping mechanism, masturbation,

one time we were listening to fleetwood mac in the car and my sister who was probably 4 at the time asked, without being prompted, “can girls marry girls?” and THAT is the power of stevie nicks

50% tired 50% horny

Dirty talk but you both use your customer service voice

Thanks I hate it

Customer service but you use your dirty talk voice

You’re a nasty little bitch aren’t you? Trying to return these shoes after 30 days.

i get dicked down

but i get it up again

during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she ‘is aware that she is physically here right now’ or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the “and I’m new in town” bit and that she’s seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows, that he couldn’t get through a bit about donating to charity without interrupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he’s said that she heard

ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid

i saw him last night and there was a good ten minute interlude where a woman told him everything she found wrong with his suit, including that his pants were too high waisted to which he replied “that’s where my hips are” and someone in the back shouted “look at that high waisted man he’s got feminine hips!” and he yelled back “that’s my joke! i’m offended!!”