tonight you're perfect.

well. it's been awhile since i've been on this account. i guess i just kinda forgot about it to be honest.  things have certainly changed for me these past several months. i've gained some and lost some. my best friend started a war between my sister and i for a week or two, which was horrible. my sister is the one person that's the closest to me and i love her more than i could ever put into words honestly. the whole thing was just ridiculous but it has made me realize what kind of people i want in my life and, despite getting through stuff with my sister and my best friend, i still don't know if holly's the kind of people i want in my life forever. we have fun and i love her to death, but it's the little things she says or does that bring me down and make me feel shitty that makes me think that. i've been self harm free for over a year (although i've had several almost-slip ups) but being friends with holly sometimes triggers me more than anything. if she gets moody, she manages to bring my mood down as well and i don't need that. i already struggle with my own issues enough and i've finally reached a point where i don't want any extra negativity in my life. unfortunately, i've lost another good friend too. and i miss her but right now, it's for the best. also, my grandpa died. i wasn't close to him at all so there wasn't much of an emotional connection at all, but it was sad. the hardest part was seeing my dad in the condition he was in. my dad and i aren't close, but i love and care about him and i miss him and no one wants to see their parents hurting. the whole death was hard. that side of my family doesn't do good with serious situations. they crack awkward jokes to cope. and it was hard for all my aunts and uncles and my dad to know how to feel i think, because my grandpa wasn't good to them when they were kids. he was abusive and mean when they were little. he apologized years later for all of it, but i dunno, it would be hard to know what to feel if i were in that situation. that made me sad for all of them too.  on the bright side, i've got the best guy in my life right now. he makes me open up. we talk about things i don't talk about with anyone else but my sister. he's the best thing that's ever walked into my life and i hope this lasts for a long time. and then there's jake.. i love jake. i will always love jake no matter how many new people come into mine or his life. i will always care for him and be there for him if he needs me. i'm happy with my boyfriend, but he'll always hold a place in my heart that no one else could ever replace. he was the first guy i ever really loved and i'll continue to love him until the day i die, no matter how much he makes me sad. 

fuck you for making me feel like this.

maybe i just need to subtract myself from his life. i think he'll be a lot better off if he just moves on and goes back to doing what he loves, like throwing house parties and raves.

he's getting kinda clingy, which is something i don't handle very well. and tonight he asked my sister if she wanted to see him backhand me, which i don't think he would, but like, what the fuck? i guess i knew this would happen eventually. i really like Jesse, and i love spending time with him usually, and i think that if i could get past all of this shit, we could be really great together, but there's just so much getting in the way. and he's not the one i'm willing to fight for.. and it's kind of pointless to be in a relationship if i know it won't last, right? so i think it's for the best if i end things with Jesse now. i just don't know how to.

You didn’t break me. It’s true, you hurt me. You damaged and disposed of me. But I am not broken.