Let's say it's just some book character's story

Oh, I was just tryna be dramatic with this “void” thing. I’ve been writing a post on the “planned” topic for an hour and a half now and it turns out it’s consumed more of my energy than interacting with people who constantly need my advice on something and/or to talk. Damn. But maybe it’s not too late then to make some recording stuff?

So I’m looking forward to getting a job this week, but at the same time I really wanna go home on Friday afternoon for the weekend. Well.

I’m moving out tomorrow and I feel sooooo bad about it, I mean, actually not that bad, but like a crying baby who doesn’t wanna grow up and be never endingly expected to finally get their shit together and get a job, not rely on their parents and stuff. Also I talked a little with this guy from Tinder (I know, it’s lame, but I just wanted to boost up my self-esteem and stuff) and I thought that was the very first normal guy I’ve chatted with, but he was drunk then, like, very drunk, we talked on the phone and he barely contacted and he said that I could try talking to him in the morning when he’s sober, so I did, but he really is weird and can’t talk when he’s sober. Or I’m still weird and blocked against messaging people I don’t know in real life and it’s my fault. I don’t know anymore. I think if it’s ended right know (because he stopped responding me about an hour ago), I won’t regret it, because he wasn’t that interested in what I have to say, what am I like, like, as soon as he texted me, he started talking about his problems and that was our conversation basically. I think I have a thing with boys not giving me proper treatment *unfolds amrs*, so it’s better if it ended itself, because I would probably still be too pussy to stand for myself. Oh, and I’d forget about the insecurities point: when we talked I was after taking a shower and washing my hair, so I looked like a wet rat at best, I said ‘at best’ because I’m fat so I rather looked like me when I was born, which means VERY FUCKING BAD, with this flat hair and bare face, omg. If it was some mate of mine, I would not care, because I’d be like I won’t marry you and YOU wanted to talk to me, so you wanted to listen what I say and not admire my looks, so love me or leave me, deal with it. But it wasn’t my mate, it was quite a cute boy with very nice voice.  So he called me on messenger but the call would lag, so he called me on video and I picked up accidentally AND DIDN’T REALIZE THAT IF I COULD SEE HIM, HE COULD SEE ME TOO, AND I HAD MY PHONE DOWN SO HE COULD SEE ALL MY DOUBLE, TRIPLE, QUADRAPLE CHINS, so I set the phone higher, WHICH DID NO GOOD BECAUSE I NATURALLY LOOKED LIKE SHIT IN THIS WET HAIR ETC, and anyway I couldn’t hear him so I hung up and I was insecure about what he thought of me, that I looked really bad and he would run away, and later when we stopped talking on the phone and he said I was to text him in the morning, I was thinking about that I probably will be that girl you meet at the bar while you’re drunk as fuck and you’re blind so you think she’s pretty and you try hitting on her and when you’re sober, you realize she was ugly and you run away with embarassment.  But if it is that way, that would mean that he only liked my appearance and he only wanted to hear what I have to say about his issues because I look pretty in my photo on Tinder, so there’s nothing to be regreted or cry about. But I’m so stupid and I keep sticking to the wrong guys who don’t show proper interest in me. But that guy was funny, cute and had such a nice voice.....

So yesterday I was chilling and casually digging into my fingernails, picking up some sheets of skin around my nails and I was staring carefully at my nails’ surroundings and I saw something white just next to my nail. I was sure it was just a piece of dried skin so I tried to dig to it to pick it up. I was digging and digging and digging and it turned out that... it was just the border of my nail... So I got scared because IT WAS TOO DEEP And I had digged to the point where you can practically see the root of my nail only sitting there. I fucked up and I had two solutions for that: 1) slam my finger so that the nail of it will be bruised and turns deep, dark blue and will fall off after a month or i will be able to just break it off 2) secure it with a glue tape Eventually I didn’t do anything and I am living in fear that It will hook onto sth and break off itself painfully. Thank you.

But - as they say in my language - there’s no bad thing that wouldn’t turn right at last, it’s all good. I’d write some more but I’m very tired and also I’ve actually just finished talking with some guy who was really weird and I felt kinda threatened XD

Yeah, that’s what happened :| I guess my mental state might probably be improving right now. Although I don’t want to claim anything too soon, but it’s been some time since my hard crying sessions when I couldn’t even see the reason why I was crying, it was just some kind of mental pain. Now I’m quite alright, since last week I’ve made so many calls that it’s just insane (actually, I could count them and there’d probably be less than ten of them, but I really hate calling, so it’s a lot in my scale), and I’ve made 3 appointments for tomorrow to check out some single rooms in my uni city and I am really so close from cancelling it all, but I know that I have to choose something, because otherwise I’ll have nowhere to live (I mean, I could live with my parents, as usual, and it would be good if we lived up to 20 km from uni and not 100), and das not good. Wish me luck or wtv (wtv except for negativity ofc!!).

inconsequent in what I declared that I will be doing, like, about this “story formed” structure of my blog or just that it’s a character and instead of all this, I couldn’t get rid off my fucking in any sentence I wrote. And I feel a little bit angry because being consequent is one of my main rules in this world, But, actually, my main point here was just to write, so maybe I shouldn’t be so strict about myself, idk.

I won’t make a full text of it divided into 3 sections, so I’m gonna go straight to the point and begin with that: I think if a dating app tries too hard to be “modern” and “cool”, it gets rid off respect. I’ve just come up with the example of being too casual, like, in preferations choice, instead of “males” or “men”, they go with “fellas”, it’s like bad. It’s actually almost same as bad as when women are called chicks or wtv. But in case of men less people draw attention to that kind of stuff, because, what I try to say is that aparat from feminism, there is a thing with guys being treated poorly and very stereotypically, but it’s not as popular as feminism, so it doesn’t go as a thing in our society (i mean our times now and not some particular area). But of course, there’s also the fact that usually when men are being treated stereotypically, it’s not as bad as when women are treated stereotypically, men practically have always been in better position that women. But what I want to say, because my thought flow is reeeaaally messy, when you see in a dating app “fellas” instead of “men”, it’s bad. “Fellas” is familiarised with rather pejorative meaning, like, actually the meaning of it can be “both ways”: it’s either marking that guys are just those rude creatures, who can say whatever they want whenever they wish and to whoever they’d like to, hitting hard on every girl which seems hot to them in a clearly visual way, who set up rules and reign the relationship as they want to, because they are those ‘alpha males”, or it define guys as just stupid boys who’ll never gonna grow up and they don’t have to be as disrespectful as the first meaning I wrote, but they’re just stupid boys who know nothing about the world except of how to hook up to which they are as enthusiastic as your dog when you come home. I think barely anybody needs those kind of men in their lives. In my mother language there is such a word which I have described right now, but I won’t say what word it is because I don’t want it to be known where I am from (i take this ‘know my darkest secrets but not know most basic information about me’ structure instead of, well, the opposite one). So on TVs in my country there’s an ad that  says ‘adopt a fella”, and this is the actual name of the app, and I’m like??? what? because, in my opinion it is just basic claim that men are not self relient and you gotta take care of them, because they’re just some clumsy seals on the beach. Both this name and this “container”  make women stand in better position, that they don’t have to be pretty, smell well and wait for the guy to notice them and hit on them, because they have full law to chase what they want, if they like someone, they can hit on them, just as easy as men can hit on women when they’re interested. Let’s put things straight here that I am not “outcluding” LGBT relationship, I’m just talking about apps directed into heterosexual relationships and the heterosexual relations which are the number 1 issue in case of feminism and stuff. Did I get things straight? I really have big troubles with expressing my thoughts in any way: I can’t say them, I can’t write them, they just almost don’t form into words. In my head there are like some “key words” which I am not able to connect. I’m sorry.

you’ve gone so far from being a sports freak that you forget the names of popular fitness video sportswomen who you used to work out hard with, like mel b