did i write myself as gentle instead of hungry?

and we will say "When I was YOUR age, fruits and vegetables came from a supermarket and they were bred to get shipped 1000 miles in a truck and sit on shelves for weeks, and they tasted so sour and watery it was like eating paper compared to these ones. It wasn't even legal in some places to grow your own food"

and they will roll their eyes like yeah yeah just because everything was miserable in the 20s doesn't mean I have to have a smile on my face standing in the hot sun while you listen to that one guy talk about his bees FOREVER

And many other people have been just spitting, foaming at the mouth fucking FURIOUS. How dare I have the audacity to imagine a future where things get better?

Don't I know how BAD things are? Am I not aware of the TERROR and DEVASTATION of climate change and fascism and biodiversity loss? How dare someone be so bold, so callous, as to imagine something other than misery and suicide. How dare someone suggest it will get better. How dare a person propose that there is a future where we will be okay, in the face of so much terror. Hasn't she seen the abyss opening its jaws before us?

Well? What do you think?

The [ original source ] for these is highly gendered.

Under the cut, I am retyping the original source in gender-neutral language, as atypical autism traits do not only appear in girls.

If you are Autistic and your autism matches this profile, it does not mean that you must be a girl; it just means your autism is a kind that often gets missed by traditional diagnostic profiles. These traits were commonly found by researchers in cisgender girls, but they are by no means exclusive to cisgender girls.

The traits are split into four categories.

It's like "I" am on the fine line of verbal assault all the time. Like the anger burning in my throat is constant no matter how avoidant I'm feeling at the moment.

There was a post someone reblogged onto here about how schizoids have an innate sense of violence that they can't touch.

Others have sworn up and down that "I" am harmless, yet still this bottomless anger rages on and I keep gritting my teeth and humming "I am a passive and docile being".

Because I am. Even when I don't want to be, I am. I still supress. Still ignore. Still function via a secondhand memory of a function that appears to everyone but "me" that "I" am, in fact, me.

There is no innate snap. The trick is I'll never cross the line, because I can't. The hairtrigger is always primed because once, when I was snap-able, the backlash was abuse. And when every defensive move is paired with accentuated violence for long enough, you stop.

I have lost the ability to snap, and now I live on a hairtrigger.

- extreme emotions that are hard to hide. i like this because i can see as plain as day exactly what theyre feeling (unless theyre more of a quiet covert bpd, thats harder to see until i get to know the person better) and this allows me to avoid the social bullshit and i can engage with what theyre feeling right away.

im drawn to these extreme emotions because i just dont feel emotions that strongly. they are the 100 to my 0.

- are afraid of abandonment which leads them to being VERY talkative and willing to be the one to initiate engagement (at least in my experience). i like this because im not good at talking out loud so they will do all that sweet sweet talking without me needing to say much. (huh, i just noticed that pwBPD tend to be better at talking in person/voice chat than they are over text. and that is the total opposite for me…)

i think there are other smaller reasons but those are the big two that leads to a lot small reasons. if i were to say the small reasons id feel like theyd just be subsections of “they feel extreme emotions” and “are afraid of abandonment”

these reasons also have their ‘bad’ sides (its literally a disorder after all which heavily affects relationships) but honestly they dont even bother me all that much like it seems to bother most people (i fuckin hate those assholes who treat bpd like the abuser disorder).

like. i get so pissed off about people who just shit on BPD. like…. theres nothing wrong with them? its a fuckin personality disorder, of course its gonna be intense. whats actually intense is the fucking childhood traumas, the prevalence of self harm, and all the shame swallowing them, the fact that they cant just ‘turn off’ the way they feel. its a shitty fuckin disorder to deal with.

if i were to be a little emotional about it….. i would say that… something is just so comforting and loving about borderlines. i like the way they love. their love is so unique. and theyre easy to love.

Like you said, I am drawn to the way he feels and expresses his emotions, full intensity with his heart on his sleeve. I can only imagine the struggles that causes, but it seems to make up for my deficits and allows me to see the world from a different perspective and live vicariously a bit. It's easier to 'hang out' with him than with nearly anyone else because he can keep the conversation going and take initiative with activities which keeps the pressure off of me to engage more than I'm comfortable with.

Also 100% agree that the "bad" traits of BPD don't affect me as much as they seem to affect other people and sometimes I even get confused about why other people are so upset with them. Like I know I'm hella unreactive, but is it really that hard to just ride the waves of emotion out with them?

Speaking for him, I think the benefits go both ways as I'm a grounding presence that can stay calm no matter what. There's not really abrupt changes in my behavior or demeanor that trigger him (exception: there's been a spell or two of intense depression that I ghosted everyone but I'm working on managing that. Which is another benefit because without his friendship I wouldn't have any reason to better myself like that). He knows he can talk to me about taboo or intense topics like self-harm and suicidal ideation without me freaking out, and that I'm not gonna run away if he has an episode.

He understands parts of me that others can't. He knows what it's like to feel like a void of a person, just an amalgamation of poor coping methods and defensive reactions. He knows how hard it is to maintain steady relationships with others. He knows how a thousand little traumas build up and warp a person.

He's one of only two people in my life I can actually miss and I'm really grateful he's in my life. I have, begrudgingly, improved my ability to maintain relationships because of him which I know will be a good thing for future me.