new mychart message! aw damn....doc says my reality and existence lab work was wayyy off so she's referring me to an Ontologist
YOU ARE THE REASON
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izzy's playlists!
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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Today's Document

#extradirty
$LAYYYTER

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@evernoddingaudience
new mychart message! aw damn....doc says my reality and existence lab work was wayyy off so she's referring me to an Ontologist

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Expressing emotions literally feels like whipping your dick out in the middle of a conversation. Like oops that was weird and creepy idunno why I did that sorry 😐
This is from the book "What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic" by Annie Kotowicz! (x)
[ID: A paper book with section title: "Power Move". It wasn't until my thirties that I learned some people correct factual errors as a power move. That explains why teachers rarely appreciated it when I pointed out their mistakes - they saw it as an attempt to usurp their authority. I also got similar reactions from classmates, colleagues, and others whose authority was equal to mine, because they assumed I was flexing on them.
Nothing could be further than the truth. For me, showing someone where they're wrong feels like keeping them safe from the consequences of their mistake. It's a collaborative pursuit of truth, not a power move. End ID]
In the future, children will think our ways are strange. "Why do old people always grow so much milkweed in their gardens?" they'll say. "Why do old people always write down when the first bees and butterflies show up? Why do old people hate lawn grass so much? Why do old people like to sit outside and watch bees?"
We will try to explain to them that when we were young, most people's yards were almost entirely short grass with barely any flowers at all, and it was so commonplace to spray poisons to kill insects and weeds that it was feared monarch butterflies and American bumblebees would soon go extinct. We will show them pictures of sidewalks, shops, and houses surrounded by empty grass without any flowers or vegetables and they will stare at them like we stared at pictures of grimy children working in coal mines
We will be feeding our grandchildren strawberries and raspberries we grew in our gardens, dragging them along to the farmers' markets for tomatoes and eggs and goats milk and pickles and pecans and salsa and sunflower seed butter and jars of honey, as they complain and drag their feet because Gramma always stands around talking to people for like an HOUR
and we will say "When I was YOUR age, fruits and vegetables came from a supermarket and they were bred to get shipped 1000 miles in a truck and sit on shelves for weeks, and they tasted so sour and watery it was like eating paper compared to these ones. It wasn't even legal in some places to grow your own food"
and they will roll their eyes like yeah yeah just because everything was miserable in the 20s doesn't mean I have to have a smile on my face standing in the hot sun while you listen to that one guy talk about his bees FOREVER
But they will go, because there might be baby goats.
Since I made this post, dozens and dozens of people have left tags telling me that it was the first thing today that made them want to continue living, that it was the first thing that made them consider that they might be okay years in the future, that they might grow old, that it was the first and only post of its kind they'd ever seen—the first post that boldly predicts a future where we make it.
And many other people have been just spitting, foaming at the mouth fucking FURIOUS. How dare I have the audacity to imagine a future where things get better?
Don't I know how BAD things are? Am I not aware of the TERROR and DEVASTATION of climate change and fascism and biodiversity loss? How dare someone be so bold, so callous, as to imagine something other than misery and suicide. How dare someone suggest it will get better. How dare a person propose that there is a future where we will be okay, in the face of so much terror. Hasn't she seen the abyss opening its jaws before us?
Well? What do you think?
Do you think I've seen the abyss?
*modifies my default t-rex hands autism stance to a boxer's fists-up elbows-out stance for better defense*

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Atypical Autism Traits
The [ original source ] for these is highly gendered.
Under the cut, I am retyping the original source in gender-neutral language, as atypical autism traits do not only appear in girls.
If you are Autistic and your autism matches this profile, it does not mean that you must be a girl; it just means your autism is a kind that often gets missed by traditional diagnostic profiles. These traits were commonly found by researchers in cisgender girls, but they are by no means exclusive to cisgender girls.
The traits are split into four categories.
Keep reading
I used to be so smart. I was so clever and I was so capable of engaging in discussions and spinning ideas out with people and considering concepts and comprehending hypotheticals I was so SMART I was so GOOD AT WORDS I could put words together for hours and I didn't run out of them. I didn't know more things but I could think... I could think. I had space inside for so many thoughts and concepts. I was so clever
Having someone "I" can be vocally aggressive with helps a lot. Someone "I" can mutter to. Someone "I" can stress specific words to convey muted irritation & barely-controlled aggression.
It's like "I" am on the fine line of verbal assault all the time. Like the anger burning in my throat is constant no matter how avoidant I'm feeling at the moment.
There was a post someone reblogged onto here about how schizoids have an innate sense of violence that they can't touch.
Others have sworn up and down that "I" am harmless, yet still this bottomless anger rages on and I keep gritting my teeth and humming "I am a passive and docile being".
Because I am. Even when I don't want to be, I am. I still supress. Still ignore. Still function via a secondhand memory of a function that appears to everyone but "me" that "I" am, in fact, me.
There is no innate snap. The trick is I'll never cross the line, because I can't. The hairtrigger is always primed because once, when I was snap-able, the backlash was abuse. And when every defensive move is paired with accentuated violence for long enough, you stop.
I have lost the ability to snap, and now I live on a hairtrigger.
How pathetic.
so this might be weird but as a zoid, i find ppl w BPD so easy to befriend and feel close to. the borderlines in my life tend to have:
- extreme emotions that are hard to hide. i like this because i can see as plain as day exactly what theyre feeling (unless theyre more of a quiet covert bpd, thats harder to see until i get to know the person better) and this allows me to avoid the social bullshit and i can engage with what theyre feeling right away.
im drawn to these extreme emotions because i just dont feel emotions that strongly. they are the 100 to my 0.
- are afraid of abandonment which leads them to being VERY talkative and willing to be the one to initiate engagement (at least in my experience). i like this because im not good at talking out loud so they will do all that sweet sweet talking without me needing to say much. (huh, i just noticed that pwBPD tend to be better at talking in person/voice chat than they are over text. and that is the total opposite for me…)
i think there are other smaller reasons but those are the big two that leads to a lot small reasons. if i were to say the small reasons id feel like theyd just be subsections of “they feel extreme emotions” and “are afraid of abandonment”
these reasons also have their ‘bad’ sides (its literally a disorder after all which heavily affects relationships) but honestly they dont even bother me all that much like it seems to bother most people (i fuckin hate those assholes who treat bpd like the abuser disorder).
like. i get so pissed off about people who just shit on BPD. like…. theres nothing wrong with them? its a fuckin personality disorder, of course its gonna be intense. whats actually intense is the fucking childhood traumas, the prevalence of self harm, and all the shame swallowing them, the fact that they cant just ‘turn off’ the way they feel. its a shitty fuckin disorder to deal with.
if i were to be a little emotional about it….. i would say that… something is just so comforting and loving about borderlines. i like the way they love. their love is so unique. and theyre easy to love.
i gladly invite anyone with bpd (or considers themselves with having borderline adaptions) to let me know if i sound fucking stupid right now or if you find a natural draw towards people are sorta “opposite” to you (like schizoids. but i think certain autistic people or highly anxious, or low emotion, or hell even just introverts)
Same here! My best friend has BPD and I find it much easier to get along with him than with other people. I was surprised at myself for being able to care about someone so easily, and more surprised that he wholeheartedly cared about me back.
Like you said, I am drawn to the way he feels and expresses his emotions, full intensity with his heart on his sleeve. I can only imagine the struggles that causes, but it seems to make up for my deficits and allows me to see the world from a different perspective and live vicariously a bit. It's easier to 'hang out' with him than with nearly anyone else because he can keep the conversation going and take initiative with activities which keeps the pressure off of me to engage more than I'm comfortable with.
Also 100% agree that the "bad" traits of BPD don't affect me as much as they seem to affect other people and sometimes I even get confused about why other people are so upset with them. Like I know I'm hella unreactive, but is it really that hard to just ride the waves of emotion out with them?
Speaking for him, I think the benefits go both ways as I'm a grounding presence that can stay calm no matter what. There's not really abrupt changes in my behavior or demeanor that trigger him (exception: there's been a spell or two of intense depression that I ghosted everyone but I'm working on managing that. Which is another benefit because without his friendship I wouldn't have any reason to better myself like that). He knows he can talk to me about taboo or intense topics like self-harm and suicidal ideation without me freaking out, and that I'm not gonna run away if he has an episode.
He understands parts of me that others can't. He knows what it's like to feel like a void of a person, just an amalgamation of poor coping methods and defensive reactions. He knows how hard it is to maintain steady relationships with others. He knows how a thousand little traumas build up and warp a person.
He's one of only two people in my life I can actually miss and I'm really grateful he's in my life. I have, begrudgingly, improved my ability to maintain relationships because of him which I know will be a good thing for future me.
I would be really curious to hear from people with BPD on this as well, I think it's an interesting phenomenon
There's gotta be a better way of talking about fatigue cause I'll be standing there in the fucking trenches like thousand yard stare and I explain this as "I didn't sleep well last night." & everyone's just like "lol that's Sleepy Kurt! Why don't you go to bed earlier" I'll kill us both
I've never slept well in my life I'm haunted by visions this is a symptom of like five different things wrong with me and nobody takes it seriously because all I can say is "I'm tired" if I had enough energy I would snap one of these days

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btw. to any kids for whom hearing your parents move around the house is terrifying. at some point hearing the door open because someone's home will make you smile. youll hear voices in the other room, or youll hear footsteps down the hallway, and it won't be scary, it'll be comforting. like i dont wanna be That Guy Who Says "It Gets Better" but im almost 27 and ive found the people im gonna spend my life with — hearing my roommates in the house is natural and normal in a good way. i know it feels like everything will always be awful but i promise you WILL make it out of your parents' house, and the life you can build for yourself will make you happier than you ever knew was possible. at some point someone standing in your doorway will be because you love them and want to talk to them. itll be worth it, i promise.
Truth ^
This has been in my drafts for over a year now. That fact is relevant to the post
I've been experiencing an odd phenomena I never have before. My mind keeps sliding off of a certain subject every time I try to think about it. Usually I am very much over-introspective, digging into myself and my thoughts in any way I can, but I am not able to stay concentrated on this topic.
Thinking about it makes me feel uneasy and unsettled for no clear reason, and unlike my usual method of picking a topic and letting my thoughts flow, and time I stop consciously focusing on this topic, I wonder about other things. I find myself easily distracted and easily convinced I'll get to thinking about it later.
Rationally, that seems to be a very obvious sign that something is there. I still can't will myself to pry into it.
I've mentioned to my therapist how divided I feel within myself, and how though I feel that every part of me is "me", *I* am only one part- my consciousness.
I mentioned how I feel a kinship with dissociative disorders even though I don't feel I have one. (I'm getting closer to the topic now when writing this, I find my thoughts unusually empty)
There's a lot of terms for the unconscious part of oneself: shadow self, the id, your inner child. I know that one of the next steps towards being better is to get in touch with those other parts of myself and attempt an understanding. That seems terrifying to me in a way I can't explain.
My therapist once suggested I do some research on shadow work and similar practices. I couldn't read that much, I kept finding it silly, or bland, or difficult, or whatever else.
Clearly there is a realization for me to find there, but I am at a loss for what to do.
On one hand, there's not really anything else for me to do psychologically speaking. There's a number of physical/practical situations in my life I'm trying to deal with, but otherwise my mentality is fairly stable (if chronically bored).
On the other hand, the life situations I mentioned really suck, and I don't feel very safe, secure, and grounded, which may not be good circumstances for any kind of intense trauma work or life altering epiphanies. But if my life doesn't change (or at least doesn't change for many years), then how else am I supposed to get better?
This all feels rather silly, writing it out. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and even suggesting that there could be some part of my unconscious mind powerful enough to seriously destabilize me... It sounds kind of like a movie plot twist honestly.
"EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL TO THE POINT OF STERILE UNFUCKABILITY. " 1 . // 2. // 3. // 4.
this holds WEIGHT…
This is power. Being able to maintain boundaries is a power shift.

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emily henry was so evil for writing this and then leaving it in her silly little romance novel where i read it and then realized things about myself 🔪🔪🔪🔪
[text: All these years spent thinking that I had superhuman self-control, and now I realize I just never put anything I wanted too badly in front of myself. /end]
my talented wife painted a magnificent mural of me dead in a field being picked over by vultures on every wall in our bedroom