MyLife

I want to fall in love in the quiet moments. I want to fall in love with you when all you're doing is staring at me from a distance. I want to fall in love when you walk past me in the hall and we share a breathtaking glance that only we understand. I want to fall in love when you walk past me and brush your hand through my hair without saying a word to me, I just know you want me. I want to fall in love with you when you smile at me because I'm so dam beautiful to you. I want to fall in love with you when we can finally speak and all you can do is stare into my eyes, because you have longed for the moment to be this close to me. All these simple things are what I want to feel with you. The simple, quiet moments are so perfect. They are the moments that speak the loudest. It's easy to "feel" love when someone is right next to you touching you and kissing you. But can you feel it from far away? Can you feel it in those secret moments? Can you feel it when it's silent?

Have you ever just been sick of yourself? Mentally exhausted and wish you could just re set your brain. I'm currently at that point. I wish there was honestly a way I could wipe out all of my memories except for the few memories of my family, close close friends, and of course the things you went to school for. I wouldn't want to remember my past or any of my past experiences. It would feel so good. To not know certain things. To not remember certain people. To not have constant flashbacks of horrible memories that I do not want to see. Gosh I wish that was a thing!

Ocd, it’s a dangerous thing. It can take you to a place you thought you’d never go. It seems like such a small stupid issue. In the world of mental illness ocd is often considered no big deal. I hear so many people, some many therapist, tell people to just get over it. You wouldn’t tell someone with cancer, or bipolar disorder, or a broken leg to just get over it would you?! Ocd is so strong. It’s root is anxiety but it becomes its own and grows deep inside you. Ocd can be many things. Ocd can be counting till you think it’s perfect, cleaning till you think it’s perfect, thinking or searching something out till you get the perfect answer, and so many more, it’s all so exhausting. But do you see a pattern here? I have learned through my experience with ocd that most of the time, ocd’s root may be anxiety but it’s deep meaning is the need for perfection. Anxiety causes you to stress over something you can not control. Ocd causes you to repeat something till you get it perfect. What ever that perfect maybe be to you. I have learned to tell myself I’m these moments, “No one is perfect!”. It has helped so much. Reminding myself that I can’t control what happens and I will never be perfect. I can always strive to be a better person, but that is all. I know ocd is painful and hard. But always strive to be strong, fight it, and remind yourself, no matter how hard it might be to hear, no one is perfect, neither are you.

Tonight I had plans to go to the movies with my boyfriend and my brother. We were gonna go out for a causal chill night together, to have fun. The whole day I was completely fine. As the night got closer I began to have slight anxiety about going to the movie theater. I can’t even explain why. All these random thoughts started popping up in my head. Things that haven’t popped up for a long time. Thoughts that if I go with them, I might have such a massive panic attack that I throw up, or maybe just maybe, my panic attack would be so bad, I’d go insane. It was horrible I know. But I couldn’t make them stop. I’d push them out. And they’d come right back. The past week I had been having issues with my anxiety but not this bad. We were walking out the door when suddenly it hit me. A full on panic attack. I started freaking out and crying. I told them they should just go alone, that I just couldn’t go tonight. They were very sweet but my brother was gonna make me go if it was the last thing he did. My mom and brother both stood at the back door with me talking me into going. Finally my brother told me if anything, we just need to leave even if we only make it to the parking lot of the movie theater. He said, because if I never try and face my fears they definitely won’t go away. And that go me going, because I knew he was right. And the fear of my fears staying with me and controlling me forever was more terrifying than my fears themselves. I wiped my tears away put my shoes on and walked out the door bravely. When I got into the car I kept my head turned to the window. I was so embarrassed my brother had to see me this way. He’s soooo strong. I wish I was like him. Regardless of what he thought of me he was so sweet. We finally made it to the movies and sat in the parking lot for a moment. My boyfriend asked me if I was okay. I said no. My brother leaned forward a tad from the back seat and said, “You gotta face your fears.” I said it was just so hard. He said, “I know but until you’re strong enough on your on its okay to rely on others strength.” His words of wisdom were beyond his years. Those few words almost brought me back to tears. He started telling me stories of when he use to be fearful of things and how he finally overcame fear. Finally I told them with a slight smile it was now or never. So we ran in and made it just in time for the movie. If you made it this far in this story I’m proud. Yes this is a true story. Yes it really did happen to me. And yes it’s very hard for me to talk about. It’s also very embarrassing. But I wanted to share to help others. Just know you’re not alone! And also know that even though your anxiety/panic attacks are the most painful thing ever, you gotta push through no matter the outcome. Because if you don’t, you’ll never overcome your fears, and your fears will control you!

All he knew was he needed her. Their souls had become as one. She was his other half. He couldn't breathe without her. They had spent years giving everything to each other and now, he was hopelessly, beautifully, magically, passionately in love with her.

He lay there, watching her sleep, as she breathed peacefully in and out, he breathed with her. She was laying on her stomach legs spread out, barely giving him room. But he didn’t mind. He slowly moved his fingers over her soft back, and up to hair brushing it away from her face. She was everything to him. The thought of losing something so magnificent took his breath away. She was his breath, he couldn’t breathe without her. She had no idea of the depth of his feelings. And he had no way to show her, all he could do was stare.