Suki Is Stuck In The Ocean

Since that gloomy day, countless sleepless nights do I wish to be back in your warm arms. Everything felt safe and everything felt right. Those intimate nights we shared, smiling and clinging on to each other were suddenly gone. For you to never let go of my hand, you eventually slipped. 

You shared self-assurance and determination. Now, you have self-doubt and lost interest. 

I was blinded by the love you portrayed. Blissful and unaware. Your final words then tore me apart and left me deserted in my homeland of love. 

Peaceful nights turned to nightmares. Left alone in the dark woods. Broken lantern and no axe for cutting wood to keep me warm. 

The trail we walked split into two. What I assumed we were heading towards, you took a quick step to the other side without warning, leaving me to look back and find you gone. 

I try to follow you but you forced me out of your trail. I still stand in between the paths, hoping you find a dead-end and turn around. Now my feet start to ache from standing in the cold as day turns to night. The path we were supposed to walk is light up. I want to go into the dark path to find you. Bring you home. 

Are you lost? Can you find your way out? Why did you have to go in? Why won’t you answer?

Was the trail too bright for you to handle?

If you were to turn back, could we slow the pace to get used to the light?

No matter the screams I made for you to hear me, I understand that you are now ignoring them. 

But I can’t help but think my sounds still ring in your heart. 

Until then, I will keep waiting at the crossroads until I can see your face again. I will tend to any wounds you have endured in your dark detour. I will guide you back to our quiet cabin with a lit fireplace to keep you warm. To keep you rested, until you can continue forward again. 

I will keep waiting even if my feet give out. 

2013 was confusing. 2014 made me lonely and lost. 2015 was a terrifying year. 2016 was the worst, complete shithole. 2017… meh… but it questioned my sanity.

2018… was too much of a heavy year… yet this could be my best year.

As I look on the internet how 2018 was a bad year for most people, for the first time I couldn’t relate to the posts and memes. I thought 2018 helped get me back on track to getting to know myself.

For years I felt lonely and terrible about myself. I was boring, I lost my creativity, I become more emotional, I’ve been stubborn about whether I’m too dependent or refuse help. But this year, while my mental state may have gotten worse, I believe I have seen the brighter side to my darkest days.

This year, I questioned the fact whether my friends still cared about me. I felt that I was the annoying friend, no longer interesting, and never know what’s going on with them. I don’t feel like their “main” person to go to anymore. They had better priorities… better other friends or colleagues that entertained them. I made the effort to stop reaching out to them because I thought I was the only one putting most of the effort to see them. My theory almost seemed true.

I became more emotional. It was so scary that I noticed I would… go back to these horrible stuff I frequently daydreamed off when I no longer wanted to be here. I never wanted to attempt suicide but the thoughts of me leaving wouldn’t stop.

I started getting sick more often than usual. I grew stomach pains, nausea every day, could barely leave the house, could barely eat, and it made it difficult for travel. Which made me desperate to find out what was wrong but my doctor said nothing was physically wrong.

I feared that my state would cause my boyfriend to leave, and I’ve grown envious at the fact that when he goes out without me he seems to have a better time without me. I wanted to be able to go out and do things with him but my anxiety and stomach would mix up preventing us from going out. I want to try new places with him but now he hesitates.

I lost my grandma this summer. Possibly the worst death I have ever had to deal with. It brought regret and guilt into my time.

However, because of those things:

I felt happier removing all my social media to ignore what the people are doing and to avoid feeling down whenever I see my friends.

I learned natural remedies and meditations to use whenever I’m feeling stressed or sick.

I was able to get closer to my partner, seeing his sacrifices made me realize I need to also make my own. We recently have grown stronger together this year. We’ve seen our most vulnerable sides together which made us love each other more and grow intimate.

Although stressed, I had good stress. This was the first year I got all As from courses. College has been a success so far!

And lastly, this year has brought me closer to my family. This journey showed me that the family I have are the only people that really matter to me and they’re going to stay with me for a long time. Many create their own families at school, work, with friends. But… my blood family reminded me that no matter how small or weird we seem, we know what real love is. I have spent so much time with them I have never felt acted like my true self on a daily basis. I felt free with them.

One thing I can take away from this year is that I was able to be myself. I freely expressed my fears, my troubles, my nostalgia, my happiness… I felt like I was able to be happy. I was able to accept my flaws and start loving myself again.