Resident Sillyguy

You seat a table of three for breakfast and the woman says hmm yes I will have a loaded waffle tower please and you say ma'am that's a children's item and she says so and you say okay fine and the man who brought a whole laptop in says ah, I will have what the lady is having and an orange soda and you say for breakfast and he says of course and then the guy who is clearly a criminal says what kind of bread do you use for your French toast and you say ... White and he says can I sub brioche and you say we don't have brioche and he sighs and says I'll get the rooty tooty... Whatever the cowboy omelette and the other two start razzing him about being a cowboy and when you come to check up on them the woman is playing airplane with the loaded waffle tower trying to get the criminal to eat it and they tip $200 and your watch has been replaced with a better watch

going over to my minimalist girlfriend’s house and she apologizes profusely for the mess and there’s just a single perfect, fresh pea on the floor of her living room

Blue Lois

can i help you

Red Marge

jesus christ. I Am Under Fucking Attack

World Heritage Post

i deserve a medal for this post. not because i was particularly funny but because i survived an onslaught of nearly one hundred gimmick blogs in the wake of this post popping off, and the fact that i didn’t try to track any of them down and snuff them out with my bare hands is a testament to my immeasurable strength and should be rewarded. at one point i had “the official letter h” add on to this post. you wanna know that blog’s gimmick? the really funny and original and worthwhile gimmick the official letter h blog had? yep you guessed it they just gave me the god damned letter H and then fucked off. only jesus knows the suffering i endured over that harsh winter, and he wept for me

my oldest cat is too self conscious to play toys but sometimes he'll post up next to one in a way that's very deliberate and possessive and he'll mournfully contemplate it for a while

he cringes when I blow catnip bubbles for the other cats but one time I caught him batting at the leather fringe on my thrifted motorcycle jacket and I don't think he's ever recovered from the embarrassment

I have never, and will never, use "ofc" to mean "of fucking course". It literally stands for OF Course...

"oh food now has so much added to it, past food was so pure and untainted" victorians used to cut bread with chalk and aluminum powder. romans put lead in the wine, which was made from dirty feet mushing unwashed grapes covered in horse shit and road dust. i think our species will survive a few additives in food. our food systems have never been cleaner and safer. it has room for improvement, but we're not putting fucking plaster of paris in the milk

i <3 sending complaints to the bbc because they just can't stop deadnaming and misgendering trans people

This is the COOLEST thing I’ve seen in AGES. You both completely made my entire week.

*plucks petal* im washed *plucks petal* im goated *plucks petal* im washed *plucks petal* im goated *plucks petal* im washed *plucks petal* im goated *plucks petal* im washed *plucks pe