The Fruit Stand

Catering to a segment of the population chronically underserved by man and God alike, Walgreens unveiled a new line of shrink-wrapped sandwiches Tuesday for the doomed, afflicted, and beleaguered to purchase in times when things have gone horribly, horribly wrong. “These inexpensive, tightly shrink-wrapped, alternately soggy or dried-out sandwiches are ideal for those whose lives have taken a sudden and unimaginably tragic turn,” said Walgreens CEO Stefano Pessina, who noted his company’s colorless sandwiches would come in a variety of nearly anonymous dreary flavors such as “turkey with warm iceberg lettuce” and “ham with semi-solid cheese” and that all sandwiches would be packaged with a limp pickle spear, one unlabeled packet of an extremely pale yellow condiment, and a vague sense of futility.

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Their argument is essentially "You promised us a specific profit margin that is not possible to achieve under this increased public scrutiny of your unethical practices. We only agreed to invest because of those unethical practices. So we demand compensation because you didn't warn us that you'd be behaving more ethically"