Welp that happened

And it's that thing where you mentally place yourself as the second, auxiliary party to someone else that you consider to be "In Charge" of whatever space or occupation or responsibility you are assigned to

And when you are IN that mindset, it *feels* like you're being responsible. It *feels* like you're being respectful, and helpful, and contributing to the load.

But what you don't SEE- because it *feels* like deference- is that the other person who you're seeing as The Authority you report to- by being assigned that role, has also been assigned the invisible load of BEING YOUR MANAGER.

This is by FAR most commonly seen in husband-and-wife relationships, where the man says, "just tell me what I can do to HELP- you don't have to do it all by yourself, but it's like you won't even tell me when you NEED help. You just do everything and then get mad at me for not doing it first. I can help clean. I can help with the kids. I can help"

But I also see it- and am guilty myself of doing it- at work, at school, in public- that mental, "this is THEIR space, and i will be respectful and helpful to THEM"- without realizing that subservience in this manner isn't actually a good thing. That it actually shifts the burden of responsibility to the other person. That aspect was totally invisible to me.

I didn't understand that when I was told, "if you see something that needs to be done, just DO it", or, "take the initiative", what they ACTUALLY meant was, "I am not above you", or "you have equal say in what kind of environment you want to live or work in", or "I do not want full control over what happens here, I do not want to order you around, I do not want to be in charge, what I WANT is to co-command WITH you"

Being in The Assigned Authority position NOW, that is all so much clearer.

I am the senior member of my team at work, and now, every time I train a newbie, every time I finish catching them up to speed and giving them a list of everything that needs to be done, my next big hurdle seems to always be, "now take pride in the space when I'm not around". "Now don't assume I'll tell you when something is due or what orders to plan things in".

Now, having been on both sides of the struggle, I can appreciate the sticking points here

TO THE PERSON "IN CHARGE": The person deferring to you doesn't understand the invisible labor you're doing. They genuinely believe you know more, you WANT more, you see things they don't, and that they are being respectful and good by staying out of your way and waiting on your orders. THAT is the bit that's not clicking.

TO THE PERSON "WANTING TO HELP": "Help" implies that you are providing assistance to a problem that belongs to somebody else. Stop thinking like that. Understand that the problem belongs to BOTH of you equally, and consider what kind of shared space you BOTH want. What is your SHARED GOAL? Not THEIR goal, but a goal that belongs to you too. Own your space.

This is not a Commander-Lieutenant problem. This is a Partnership problem.

Typically Officers, Managers, and Team Leads get *paid* a whole lot more to specifically take ownership of their space. The buck ($$$) stops there, at the top, with the people who get paid to command the ship.

I use to get paid to be the Captain. Sure I wanted things to be equitable in my office, under my command, and I treated my Soldiers as equals.

Which in hind sight I realized was a fucked up thing to do. Since it wasn't their job, they didn't get paid to do it, and it wasn't their responsibility. It was mine.

You can't just subvert a hierarchy by pretending its not there. That just makes you a shitty abusive boss. But you're still the boss.

Fortunately I eventually realized that no one was making me be the boss but myself. So I quit.

Now I make minimum wage and I have a manager that tells me what to do. I don't really need her to, I'm smart enough to figure it out without her direction. But I don't get paid to think.

I didn't think to mention this because I'm *not* anybody boss- when I train new people, it's to work WITH me. The wage will be the same. I've refused promotion because it's more trouble to manage people than the money would be worth to me.

But your theoretical wife ISN'T receiving extra benefits for managing the housework. Your theoretical roommate ISN'T getting a discount on the rent for reminding you there's laundry in the washer.

Zoe smiled. "Good day to you, sir. How can I help you?"

Tano audibly winced at the words "Good day" but waited for Zoe to finish. "I wouldn't be so sure. My brother noticed signs of a predator moving into the woods north of here."

"Oh, dear!"

Zoe's alpheep overheard the conversation. This once, she didn't have the heart to scold the frightened critters for eavesdropping. They scurried into their barn and Zoe locked the door behind them.

"Awww, poor things. Good call locking them up. Kai's out there right now telling Rowan, Willow, and Gruff everything I just told you. We're gonna meet up at Mayor Theo's house. Want to come with?"

"Of course." Zoe gave Tano her elbow. Tano accepted it and lead the way.

"There seems to be a crowd over by Logan's ranch." Tano noticed. "Let's check it out."

Tano and Zoe would come to quickly regret that decision. Before their eyes was what was left of an alpheep.

Tano frowned. "Oh no!"

Zoe gasped in horror at the sight, and Tano shielded her eyes. "No, hey. Zoe, don't look. Focus on something else."

Rusty approached. "You know something about this, Tano?"

Remembering why he was there in the first place, Tano started to answer. "Oh, yeah! A pred-"

Cutting Tano off, Rusty turned to Rufus: "Hey, Rufus! Apparently Tano knows something about this!"

"Tano. Explain." Rufus growled, his tone dripped with barely restrained fury.

Tano startled at his best friend's father's rage, but composed himself just enough to explain: "Oh! I was just about to tell Rusty, but my brother noticed a predator's tracks in the woods this morning. He's out there warnin-"

This time, a welcomed interruption from Kai. "I'm here Tano. And yes, I saw signs of a predator. Tracks are present all over the woods, and the local wildlife have gotten harder to track. Although, it is strange. Normally they don't approach villages. Whatever the case, I imagine they'll be sticking around. It seems they've already found a source of food."

Rufus sighed. "This isn't good. We need to do something about this otherwise mine and Zoe's flock will be destroyed."

Kai hmm'd. "I think I can come up with a solution, but I'll need to track them down."

Theo nodded in approval. "Please do, Kai. I'm sure the village wouldn't mind helping out as well."

"The Silverloft Estate will happily contribute." Zoe volunteered without a moment's hesitation.

Kai turned to Rufus. "In the meantime, neither your flock, nor Lady Silverloft's are safe. The predator will likely keep coming back to devour your critters. You should lock them up at night to be safe."

Farmer: Are there any-?

Kai, in a tear soaked kimono: 🖕

What critters are common in your neighborhood, but really exciting to visitors?

"In the middle of a "forcing party" where friends and I are forcing one another to do the things that we've been avoiding.

So far: [bullet list] A passport has been filed for; An inbox has been zero'd; A personal website has been created; & more.