Chronic pain

He was always there for me and I don't know if I was actually always there for him. I tried my best. I did. But I should've been better, I should've tried harder. I watched him die. Slowly. Piece by piece. I wonder how much it hurt for him, I wish I could've saved him. I wish he knew I wanted to do even the impossible to ease his pain.

Chronic kidney disease. It killed my baby. The deepest love I've ever felt. I saw how he lost weight, I saw how he started vomiting, more and more often each time. I saw how he started waking up at night to cry. I wish I could've felt his pain so that he didn't. I saw how he stopped running, how he stopped barking. I saw how he stopped being happy, how he stopped being himself.

I remember looking at his eyes and seeing sadness, I remember I even had the impression he was crying. Chronic heart disease. It also killed my little everything. Breathing became harder and harder, I remember holding him in my arms and not being sure if he was still breathing. I saw how he stopped breathing normally, I heard how he would always breathe weirdly.

I had faith he would get better, I had never been more hopeful. Every night I stood awake to help him, sometimes he would fall asleep and I would keep looking at him wishing he would feel better, wishing I could do better for him. Sometimes I would fall asleep holding his paw so that he felt I was there for him. After two months I was completely exhausted but I still wanted to do everything within my power. For a while he felt better and I thought everything would be fine. But it didn't.

I saw how eating became harder and harder for him. I saw how he stopped eating his favorite food, and I tried my best to get him to eat but it was always harder. He was always nauseous. Though he was strong, sometimes he would eat even when he was poorly breathing or even after bleeding. My little warrior. He deserved better.

I saw how walking became harder and harder, he would try to walk and he would fall on his paws. Standing up also became harder and hurtful, I remember I had to help him to make sure he would not fall. I eventually became too afraid to leave him alone for even one second. I stood with him every single minute of the day. I stopped my life so that I could take care of him and now I wish I would have stopped my life sooner. He deserved better. He was so little and yet he was so strong.

Benign prostatic hyperplasia. Arthrosis. They were also really hurtful for him. With all of that torture, a tumor was finally found. I remember when I was holding him while the vet was doing the exam and she said there was something inside his belly that shouldn't be there. I remember how I started shaking and thought desperately "Please. Please. Don't be a tumor. It can't be. Don't be a tumor. Please". Breathing became harder for me at the single idea of a tumor. I waited in silence for what could have been a lifetime until she said it was a tumor. He cried when she touched him right where the tumor was.

I remember she explained it was impossible to know if the tumor was inside or outside his kidney because his chronic kidney disease was so advanced it was impossible to even see his kidneys. I remember how she said that it was as if there were no kidneys at all. I remember how I was even unable to reply as she explained. I barely and poorly found enough words to ask what I already knew. There was no treatment for his tumor, it didn't matter whether it was benign or not. His chronic kidney disease didn't give room for any treatment. He was even unable to take meds for his pain.

I remember how she explained that the tumor would grow, how much it would hurt him and how it would drain blood from his body and that his heart wouldn't be able to produce enough blood, even less with his heart chronic disease.

The tumor and the prostatic hyperplasia had made him bled and she said it would go on. He would keep bleeding. I remember how she told me once again that I had to consider letting him go. Putting him down.

I remember how I came home to cry my heart out. I remember how badly I wanted to find an answer. I didn't even have time to cry because he was waiting for me. He needed my help so I gathered my shattered heart and promised myself it didn't matter how much it hurt me nor how much pain I felt. The only thing that mattered to me was my hugest love.

I remember how I had to remind myself many times that I didn't matter, that my pain didn't matter at all. I even feel guilty I slept. I was so tired I would fall asleep without even realizing it but I shouldn't have slept at all when I knew he would be gone. I was weak and selfish.

Intravenous therapy was also a torture for him. His veins were so thin and dehydrated it would always end up bad. I remember the first time I had to take the needle out because it was a Sunday night, it was hurting him a lot and the vet told me to do it myself. I remember how I had to hold him while he screamed his lungs out and tried to run away, so that I could take the needle out of his vein. He screamed but he also cried his heart out. I could feel how much it hurt him and that he didn't know if I had produced him that much pain. It went on. I had to force him over and over again, there were always more and more needles, he would always need them but it would always hurt. Sometimes he would hide himself so that I couldn't hurt him anymore.

I would always have to force him, "one more, my little love, this will make you feel better", I would say. But he never felt any better. I remember how he would refuse walking at all when the needle on his paw would hurt badly. I remember how his paw would become swollen when the intravenous didn't work anymore and I didn't realize it sooner.

I was always forced to take medical decisions at home when I didn't have the slightest idea of what the best for him was. I had to learn how to treat him with the intravenous, I had to inject meds directly to his vein while knowing that if I made a single mistake his heart would stop and that it would be my fault. I also had to force him to eat when he would spend hours refusing food.

My little love. I will never have words to tell you how sorry I am for all the things I had to force on you. I remember the exact moment when I realized I had to let you go. I was too afraid of what could happen next, I was too afraid to see a new day because I knew it would bring more pain for you and that I was unable to help you.

The only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted your pain to stop more than I have ever wanted anything else in my whole life. I remember holding you and promising you that I would only think of you, that you would rest even if you took my heart with you when you left. You were so dehydrated and became so weak, I was incredibly afraid something terrible would arrive at any second. It didn't matter how many fluids I tried to put into your blood to clean it, it was never enough.

I saw how the fever burned your little body down, it didn't matter how many antibiotics I tried, they were never enough. The fever would go on. I saw how your paws would shake as well as your body and how you would get scared about it. Sometimes you would cry so slow I wouldn't be sure if you were crying or doing a different noise.

My heart stopped beating at the same moment that yours did. I decided to put you down because I wanted to avoid the pain that tomorrow would have brought you, but I still feel I didn't have the right to choose over your life. It is consuming me. I decided you would die. Even when I would have died to save your life, I couldn't do anything.

I wish I could've taken all your illnesses away, I would've gladly suffered them myself so that you didn't. Your soul was pure and innocent.

I know you trusted me, and I looked at your eyes and decided you'd die. You died looking at my face and I never forget the exact moment when you stopped breathing. When the vet said you were gone I cried my heart out while I held your lifeless body. I wanted to believe it was a nightmare and that you'd wake up. I feel like a lifeless body ever since. I remember how broken I felt while I carried your lifeless body to bury you, I cried my heart out every single moment.

I wasn't ready to see how you'd disappear forever. I wasn't ready to know I'd never see your little body again. I tore myself to pieces and cried over your grave for hours. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to leave you behind. I kissed your lifeless body when I carried you for the last time and I felt with my lips how it had already changed and it destroyed my heart more than I could have possibly ever imagined. I remember the exact moment when I touched your head for the last time and I also remember the exact moment when your body was completely covered and I knew I would never see you again.

It's been 11 days. Being in my house became a torture. Looking at the place where I had to put you down hurts more than being set on fire. You're everywhere I go and you're in everything I see.

It's been two months but it feels like it's been longer, sometimes I feel like you never really existed in my life and you were just a dream. A dream that I desire with my whole heart but I can't reach.

I am scared I will forget you. I am scared time will pass and I won't remember how you looked like. I won't remember how it felt to hug you, how it felt to kiss you. I am terrified I won't remember how it felt to touch you. I am horrified I won't remember how it felt to just be by your side.

I am scared I will forget how much I love you. I am afraid I am not doing justice to your memory. It is still really hard for me to even see your pictures. I am weak. Ever since you were gone I didn't even want to see your things, your pictures or anything that reminded me of you. I am sorry I ran away from your memory. I had no idea how to deal with the enormous pain of losing you. I still have no idea but you deserve to be remembered.

It's been two months and it hurts to feel your just a memory, and that this memory of you is slowing fading away. I don't want to forget you. I need to remember my whole life how much I loved to be by your side, everything that you did for me with your presence. My little everything. Time scares me.

I was so faithful I would be able to celebrate your 17th birthday, I was sure I would do it. But I won't. I always knew I'd lose you but I never knew it would happen so fast. I didn't really know how everything can change so quickly.

I still wish I could've given my life for yours. Your life had more value than mine and my life feels empty without you around. I guess I eventually became too dependant on your presence. You were everything I had my whole life. The only one who would always be there for me through all the years I've been suffering. It didn't matter how bad it would get, I would look at you and I would smile. You would always be by my side and I am really sorry I wasn't by your side as much as you were for me.

It was heartbreaking to sing as if it were just one of the many nights I sang for you, when I knew you were going to die the next day. I knew it was the last time I would ever sing for you. I remember how badly I wanted to give you some peace. Peace. I think you never felt it during those two last two months, it was just a neverending hell.

Now that you're not here I don't have to be strong anymore, I can cry like a baby as my heart falls apart. I remember how much you liked to fall asleep to the sound of my voice while I touched your little and beautiful body. Even before our dark time, when you were still healthy, I remember I would stay awake for you because you would wake up each time I stopped singing or I moved my body away from yours.

Countless days you were my reason to get up in the morning. On those days where I had no force, you gave it to me. I remember looking at you and knowing what love was because you made me feel it as hard as a human being can possibly love.

It's been three months since I put you down and even though you're no longer here, nothing else has changed. I haven't been able to even touch or move your things. I need your presence. I love you as deep and as hard as I possibly can.

It's raining, as it rained each night we spent together. I remember I would always make sure you weren't cold when it rained. I can't express how badly I would love to have you here in this very moment, just to make sure you're not cold. My angel. I am cold without you.

While putting you down, I played one of your favorite songs. One of the songs I always sang for you at night. I remember I told you "this is one of the songs you like to hear for sleeping at night, my love, sleep, rest, your pain will go away" but so did you. I wish I had been able to sing for you on this very last moment but I wasn't. It felt as my life was also ending. Even though I never stopped talking to you as it happened, I wish I had singen.

I have been crying during three hours straight and I can firmly say that you took my heart with you when you left. I feel how my body pain gets stronger as I cry but I couldn't care less. I think you deserve every single tear that comes from my eyes.

I crave you. I need you. I have always probably needed you more than you needed me. I dreamed of you the other day. You were by my side as I was trying to scape from things that hurt me. You were fluffy and incredibly handsome, I crave to touch you and to feel you. I woke up and my heart broke a bit more. It was painful to know that it was just a dream and that you're not actually here and that I will never see you again.

I can't describe the huge and the enormous amount of pain I feel in my heart and in my soul as I cry. The pressure I feel on my chest keeps getting bigger and stronger to the point I can't breathe. It leaves me breathless. My soul and my heart are shattered. My anxiety levels just raised and I'm scared. I will hide myself beneath my blankets to scape from this pain. I will try to sleep just because I hope I will see you there.

For as long as I live, I will love you.

I mourn your death and I think I will always mourn it. You were the light of my heart and its force. I am thankful for all the happiness and the joy you gave me, but I just wish you would have lived forever. What I regret the most is that you died under painful and horrible circumstances. My baby. I did little to help you. I tried. Hell I tried. But it doesn't matter how much I tried, it was never enough and it would have never felt enough. I wish I could have helped you more. My little angel. You meant and you mean the world to me. My soul cracks as I write these words but I need them. I need to remember your presence. I need to remember everything you've always meant to me.

My angel. I feel horrible I've not been able to go to your grave in five months. I wish I could've buried you in a closer place so that I could visit you. Sometimes I feel guilty I'm not doing honor to your memory or that I try to run away from the pain that your lost gives me. I was strong when you were here, I held you in my arms for the very last time to take you to the veterinary when I knew she was going to inject you so that you'd die, but I didn't cry. It was the force you gave me. Now that you're not here, I wish I had the force to cherish your life often. To appreciate everything you were and everything you did.

It has been rough without you around. I still see images of our dark time around the house, mostly in the places you suffered the most. The other day I was sitting in the living room and I just saw the mattress on the floor where I used to sleep with you, and I saw how you looked like during the end: consumed by the illnesses, in excruciating pain and tired with the intravenous in one of your paws, with your paw swollen. I see these images quite often. Images of the worst moments of my whole life. Images of your veterinary when she was putting you down, images of your lifeless body. These images feel quite real, as if I was reliving these moments. I can still hear your screams in my head. I can still hear how you screamed your lungs out because of the pain. I still feel incredibly sorry for you. Your body was so thin I don't even know how you managed to stay strong with all those excruciating illnesses. I admire you. I've always admired you and I will always do it. My love. I love you with all the force that this universe gives me. A lifetime is just not enough for all the love I feel.

My angel, I love you endlessly, you saved my life and I wish I could've saved yours. You were my little son. You are and you will ever be. If I ever become a mom, I could be a good one thanks to all the things you taught me. You taught me how to take care of someone different than myself, how to love endlessly and sacrifice things out of this love. Your spirit is still alive in my soul. My little one and my enormous love. I hope you found the peace you needed.

May we meet again.

When I was around 10 years old I remember I thought I had to play with you because you were going to die someday and I had to enjoy the time I'd have with you. I remember I started running with you around the backyard. You were so full of life and joy. I didn't understand life and much less death but I think I understood I loved you. I'm sorry for all the time depression stole from us during my teen years.

Now I crave this time badly. My little love, I need you. I need you. You're my everything. You're the most precious love I have in my heart. Feeling that time erases the memory of you is just destroying. I have a huge feeling of loneliness ever since you left, I feel lost without all the joy and the love you used to make me feel. My life has always been hard but you made it better, you helped me to get through the day, countless days.

I'm incredibly sorry for all the times I left you alone. I should've been kinder, I should've tried harder, I should've given you a lot more. I'm sorry baby. I feel angry with myself, I don't know why I was an idiot.

My little angel, I've cried a lot tonight. My whole body hurts, it feels like I'm being set on fire alive, I can poorly move at this point. Fibromyalgia is torturing me. But I'd put up with this pain happily if that'd bring you back.

There are so many feelings locked up inside my heart, it is aching.