We really, really donât acknowledge the banal, disappointing reactions, and what those can do. When my husband came out to my MIL, her reaction was âCan I take some time to think about this?â and then she never, ever spoke about it again.
My MIL is not an awful person. Sheâs a loving mother who carries emotional scars from having been in an abusive relationship with her minister husband for a long time, which has left her with a disabling preoccupation with âWhat might the neighbours sayâ in her life, and that often means she makes poor choices without realising it. She loves my husband no less; she didnât withdraw love and affection from him, didnât cut him off.
But she chose to pretend it wasnât happening, and that sent him into a hefty shame spiral we had to work through. A few months later, a stand up routine he did about being bisexual was doing the rounds on Facebook, and despite normally sharing every single routine of his, she rang him to tell him she wouldnât be sharing that one because âYour brotherâs wedding is coming up, and I donât want it overshadowed by people talking about you and your news.â
And again, this is not because she rejects him. Thatâs an easy narrative, and certainly the one youâd assume from the outside. But that, in her own way, was her attempt to protect both her children from negative scrutiny - she truly thought that people would care, and would care enough to make a scene at the wedding, and that would hurt the two of them.
Everyone already knew. Heâs a celebrity in his culture. No one cared. But, that was my MILâs fear.
And the message it sent, intentionally or not, was âThis is something shameful.â
Sheâs come to terms with it now. But she totally missed her âI love and support you no matter who you areâ chance, and left him with a lingering issue. And thatâs the sort of story we never see in queer media.
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