let’s make it

True becoming the scroller adds little to my life (except when i see things i share with my friends or inspires me) but like. If we’re dealing in long time frames anyway. Maybe it’s fine if i can’t do many additive things right now. Yes i would love to enjoy more things but maybe my best right now is just ‘not making things worse’. Obviously you could argue that giving yourself an out from participating in your beautiful life is making things worse but i don’t mean to take it that far. I just gotta get through right now.

In a couple of months things should be moving differently. The challenges will be shaped differently. And in the meantime i know that adding a layer of rancid self hating on top of all the stuff I’m struggling to do because i’m crashing so much with health stuff and in so much active pain when I’m trying to put effort into doing additive hobbies is just also not helping. What if i make peace with just not trying to be good and instead just be proud to be making three meals a day. Doing a weekly outing helped by my parents. Cleaning less often than i would like but still doing it. Messaging as often as i can even though it’s not as much as i’d like and I’m fighting for my life trying to be anything more than the shambling husk. It’s got to get easier!!!!!

I’ve got things on the horizon and the process is so hard and so slow but they’re coming! I feel like i’m missing so much connection with loved ones while we’re all trying to figure out logistics of making things better but not doing much else in the process and like I’m running out of time but man. What else can we do. The work needs to get done and i don’t see how i can fit more in during that. But i think if i wasn’t blasting myself with evil beams day in day out for ~not doing well~ (which i am aware does nothing but comes from a place of wanting to get better) that would at least like. Take a crumb of bad off. I just need to figure out what to actually do with my time that needs to be sitting down that feels nourishing to me as an alive human with the caveat that it is not going to be ticking a bunch of boxes that i would like to be ticking with my non-chore time.