ALSO while i apparently have posting power, after mulling it over in my mind because on the face of it it didnāt make sense, i figured out why i have ability to post at times when i Cannot chat with friends meaningfully is because when iām making a post, itās not in response to something, its a thought Iāve already done the processing and crystallising of thoughts and emotions and turning it into ācomprehensible by othersā language of in advance. Probably actively for at least days, normally weeks or months.
Whereas āhaving a realtime conversation in which i feel i am meaningfully translating my thoughts and feelings to my friends and meaningfully interpreting their responses and thoughts and feelingsā is something that is often above my energy capacity. And i find it one of the most heartbreaking like heart achingly painful parts of my conditions.
Compounded by also being physically very isolated. I mostly am alone due to again my conditions, but am fortunate to live next door to my parents/live here out of necessity due to my conditions. But my friends. MY FRIENDS! iāve talked on here before about how i only have one local friend as my disabilities have been severe enough that i havenāt been able to spend time in in person spaces in the 8 years iāve been too sick to work. and i canāt drive right now so i can only visit her with assistance. But also where i can only do one thing out of the house a week for a couple of hours max, the times in which i am physically capable to go to socialise is like āa few times a yearā when i factor in all the other things i need/want to do. when a couple of years ago we met twice a month!
And then i can barely even chat to my friends online in real time because i literally cannot physically function like my body including my brain is not well enough to run āmake sense of what a beloved person is saying to me and also make sense of what i am feeling and thinking in real timeā and i remember just a couple of years ago having the most fun chatting to my friend about books we were reading and learning about the science behind animal stuff and making drawings based on how inspired i felt and how happy i felt about connecting with my friend over this.
Now just replying to a message is so much active effort, i feel myself dropping the ball all the time saying Something because i want to keep up the connection with my friends, my loved ones, but lacking the ability to pull together all the threads of āthis moment in time + things theyāve told me about + things iām thinking about + something in my life i wanted to tell them aboutā and having even more meaningful conversations and it truly breaks my heart. I hate it so much. Itās probably one of the hardest parts of my disabilities right now maybe even moreso than not being able to leave the house independently because all the people i *do* message with are people i care deeply about.
Iāve felt like iāve had to be kind of picky about who i become friends with for years because i just havenāt had the capacity to keep up with lots of people online (this is past when i was able to make friends in person/be in in-person spaces with strangers that had the potential to develop into friendships) and, like, everyone iāve made a deeper connection is someone iāve made the deliberate choice like āokay i know this is something i have very limited ability to do but i want to grab onto the opportunity to share lives with this personā so now to be struggling to keep up with the people who iāve been lucky enough to make a connection with. Feels bad. Itās really painful.
That isnāt to say that the keeping in contact connections are less valuable to me - theyāre still incredibly important and iāve voiced here so many times how precious it is to me to be so lucky to have āmetā so many people i can be friendly with. But it is a different type of interaction, a different level of friendship intimacy i guess.
Itās soooooo crazy being so isolated. The things i catch myself being āWoah i forgot you can do thatā about. You can hug your friends? You can go to a shop? You can go to peopleās houses? You can sit and concentrate for long enough to watch a film together? You can chat while watching a film? And thatās not to say ohhhhh i have nothing good happening ever or all the conversations i am having/have had lately arenāt good to me. I just miss the casual intimacy of friendship. Like what if you want to hug your friends. You canāt. Okay! What if you wanted to feel close to them by talking. Oh you also canāt because your brain only has brief flashes of being able to process in real time something as complex as āfeelings and thoughts of human beings, one of whom is literally youā. Okay. Rereads the same book over until i feel like i got it. Like. Okay.
Basically i miss all of my friends even the ones iām talking to right now. (In our conversations that rarely happen in real time but are ongoing).
That post thats like iām like if a missing person was right here. Okay.
dededos
kianamaiart
turnnoffyourmind
prguitarman
annaxmalina
