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@empty-solaces
you can call me cyn or vince. i use he/they pronouns and im 20
this is a vent blog so as said, there will be vents, some may have triggering topics. may or may not be tagged, ill try when i have energy but dont expect it. youve been warned
mostly inactive
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I don’t like how I’m kinda expected to rewrite the first 20 years of my life just because I’m trans. I was the eldest daughter in a black household. I can’t go back and edit my history to say I was the eldest son, cuz that doesn’t accurately convey the certain standards I was held to. I was the only girl in my engineering class. I can’t leave out the “girl” part. It recontextualizes the entire situation. I don’t think either of those facts invalidates my current gender and I don’t think trans people should be expected to rewrite their own history in fear of that
Even when I was a little kid I wanted to have a beer and a cigarette on my porch some cool summer night
literally thank god sex isnt real and was just invented by big fiction to emphasize greater social and psychological themes i was getting scared id have to do all that
its so crazy to me that some neurodivergent people dont experience that debilitating feeling of being Different and Wrong when talking to people. ilike, you dont feel like everyone is staring at you weirdly all of the time?? you dont want to hide in a hole for eternity when you say anything to people??
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AVPD is a personality disorder in cluster C. 34.91% suffer from alcohol dependence. 19.56% suffer from drug dependence. it is NOT the same as social anxiety disorder (SAD). it is NOT a lack of discipline.
thanks for reading y'all, this turned half informational post half vent, hope you can still appreciate what i'm trying to say.
btw guys managing your symptoms also means apologizing for things you didn't mean to do. sometimes you do things because of your disorders that you genuinely didn't mean to do, but if it hurt someone you still have to take accountability and make up for the hurt you caused
i hate ppl knowing my interests they always talk about them so much and it makes it so unspecial i hate it
recently when im tempted to say 'i'm gonna kill myself' i try to correct it into saying "im gonna walk into the river and become a trout" or some other form of that. this is my new thing
btw this has graduated into me just saying "the trout population will be affected" and then not elaborating
lately whenever i'm alone or feeling lonely i've been feeling the odd sense of peace i had while in the psych ward, which has made me miss being there. yeah sometimes i would get scared from some of the patients threatening me or other patients but overall outside of that i was very alone. i knew the workers were only there because they were getting paid and tho some were nice and fun to talk to it didn't take away from the fact that without money they wouldn't be there. i tried talking to some of the other patients but none of them wanting to talk to me much, which left me in this limbo of intense loneliness and isolation but peace knowing that i couldn't hurt or bother anyone and no one could hurt or bother me. it didn't feel all that real most of the time and it was hard to sleep for more than an hour because it was so odd. like a liminal space. it's a certain kind of alone you cant understand unless you've been through it. it sucked a lot for the first day but after that it almost felt like i had moved on to a new life and i was content. now in these hours i have alone, while i sit on the bathroom floor in the dark, i can feel that peace i had. i miss it. i wish i could go back
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had the lowest energy i think ive ever had in my whole life for the past 4 days. didnt have any energy to talk to basically everyone. i didnt ghost anyone but i definitely didnt go out of my way to talk to ppl. was kinda disappointed to find only 2 of my friends bothered to put effort into talking to me. one actually asked how my day was and checked in on me more often since he knew that i wasnt at my best which was honestly very refreshing and im really happy he did or i think id be doing a shitload worse mentally. the other one basically only messaged me when they wanted something from me which was a little upsetting but tbh i was already pretty upset because all these other people who people say 'care about me' very clearly dont. if i went missing for weeks i think it would take them literal weeks to notice i havent been around and i dont think theyd care anyway. ive wanted to vent about this for days now but i couldnt even muster energy to do that. ive literally spent the last couple days either in pain or just staring at my screen doing nothing. im exhausted and all ive done is rest and im angry at everyone i know except my one friend.
im kind of over them all atp and dont even want to bother talking to them in public chats as i normally would.
revamping this to fit me currently to possibly be used again a lil more frequently
Psychosis is so much more than hallucinations and delusions.
It's disorganizing phrases and sentences. Instead of saying "I lost my bag" you end up saying "I bag my lost".
It's saying something out loud and hearing it echo in your head, only to completely forget what you said, or why.
It's lacking words and the ability to organize them in a sentence so that they make sense.
It's thinking you wrote something only to find out you wrote something else.
It's suddenly losing track of what you were telling someone, or thinking.
It's unknowingly misreading words, somehow sensing the sentence doesn't make sense, reading it again and realizing you read half the word or a completely different word.
It's your mind going blank and feeling a need to stay still and stare at nothing in particular.
It's repeating words and phrases for no apparent reason.
It's having an insight or remembering something you want/have to do only to lose it within seconds.
It's not being able to tell if something actually happened or it was a dream.
It's not being able to tell if a memory was a dream, a made up story/memory, or an actual situation in which you were experiencing positive symptoms.
It's losing track of time, feeling it goes too slow or too fast, or that it freezes.
Sometimes I feel love, sometimes I don't. It's... harder, to assure my partner about my love and give them affection when I don't.
But I know that I do want to be with them, so I soldier on even when the idea of being in one room with a human being who wants me to give them attention is hardly bearable.
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mood for the night.. :/
sometimes it’s hard to tell if I’m actually unhappy in my situation or if it’s the bpd splitting talking
