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As a fictional post-conviction relief attorney operating across multiple mediums and eras of Star Wars, I thought it would be insightful to rank my clients by the level of difficulty in obtaining post-conviction relief—from easiest to hardest.

3. Bo-Katan Kryze

Charges: Kidnapping (multiple counts), deadly conduct (mc), assault (mc), assault with a deadly weapon (mc), conspiracy, treason, aiding traffic of controlled substances, terrorism (mc), attempted murder, murder (multiple counts), resisting arrest, destruction of Imperial property (mc), accomplice to prisoner escape, aiding anti-Imperial activity (mc), & leading anti-Imperial activity with deadly weapons (mc).

Motion for Relief Grounds: Client was groomed as a minor by known traitor & terrorist Pre Vizsla. Client cooperated with Mandalorian Government once Vizsla was murdered. Client attempted to restore the disposed Duchess & government. Client was cooperative with Republic officials and restored Mandalore under Republic supervision. All Imperial charges are null, and she replaced her bad wig.

Outcome: None.

Reasoning: Your honor, she was never convicted, so I have nothing to appeal. She's a perfect woman who never did anything wrong. Probably ever. She’s great with kids and is an excellent leader with no prior issues. (If she had been sentenced, I might be fucked. I might not because she’s a monarch, but even with the divine intervention clause she would probably get bumped to number one).

2. Axel Greylark

Charges: Resisting arrest with a deadly weapon, conspiracy, treason, terrorism, larceny of a deadly weapon x2, deadly conduct, destruction of Eirami property (multiple counts), wedding crashing, escape, involuntary manslaughter, third degree murder x2, first degree murder, and making Gella cry.

Motion for Relief Grounds: Client was under psychological Force manipulation by Elecia Zeveron, known terrorist & criminal. The conspiracy, terrorism, larceny*, and destruction of property were done under duress. Any of my client’s crimes committed under assumed premeditation was actually Zeveron’s intent. Therefore, his were crimes of passion thus all murder charges are reduced to voluntary manslaughter. Situational reduction on the escape charge due to lack of intent as well.

*count of larceny for Eirami poison. Count of larceny for the lightsaber was the client's intent, but charge never came to court.

Outcome: Reduction of prison sentence by ten years in exchange for extended parole.

Reasoning: Despite all of these charges & past criminal record, he’s has a good set of positive character witness testimonies. He’s also college educated in a useful field. He’s got a good angle for community service in agriculture—especially if he can convince Eiram to let him do pro bono work for them.

Also! He said he was sorry with big, brown, beautiful eyes and batted his long lashes. Your Honor, please let him out ASAP, so he can hold Gella’s hand again (he’s a good boy he deserves it!).

1. Dedra Meero

Charges: False arrest (multiple counts), false imprisonment (mc), inhumane treatment of prisoners (mc), torture (mc), coordinating a mass casualty event (terrorism), deadly conduct, misuse of ISB authority (mc), and information fraud and abuse (mc).

Motion for Relief Grounds: Sentenced without trial & incarcerated in inhumane labor conditions. Also, Your Honor, she’s just a special, little, freaky meow-meow with misconduct disorder that was fostered & weaponized by the fascist regime because she never knew actual love.

Outcome: New Republic turnover will occur within six years. How long it takes their administration to care about the prisoners on Narkina 5 is anybody’s guess. If my client shows enough docility, they might not gaf who she is, and release all prisoners under assumption of unjust incarceration.

Reasoning: Everything Dedra did was unfortunately her own intent which makes it hard for relief. She also has no protection of royal immunity, “my-mommy’s-the-chancellor” privileges, or a “but I fought on the right side in the end” case. Even if I wanted to take the angle of ‘she was just following orders,’ she unfortunately violated the Imperial authority by going rogue several times, thus avoiding its protection. So if the New Republic actually looks into her crimes, they’re not letting her out ever. Which is so wrong, because she actually never has done a bad thing in her entire life

In all their defenses, they’re so murderously babygirl. Please forgive them! They’re so precious to me. I will fight for them until the end of time.