MY SO-CALLED SCARFACE

When you’re trying to delude yourself into believing in a universe in which you could ever possibly look good in Everlane wide-leg crops.

Summer Trends for 2020 = Sourdough bread and masking your authentic self on Zoom calls.

Watching the client changes come back on a 3-line email.

When you finally update your LinkedIn after taking 6 years off.

When you go on a site to buy some trash bags and the Live Chat just assumes you’re best friends now. 

When you see a dog you want to pet from across the bar but you’re trying not to act too drunk.

When it’s hot af and you’re hoping setting powder will solve all your problems.

When you finally get a full grasp of your dining options at any small regional airport.

When you live with someone who’s obsessed with loading the dishwasher and they hear you loading a cup from across the apartment.

When my boss stops by and I'm looking at Facebook but I’m answering his question totally seriously even though we both know he can see my monitor.

When I’m drunk with power after bringing my lunch to work for an entire week.

Me, explaining my Walgreens bills to my husband. 

Me in every morning scrum.

When you walk into Banana Republic and the employee greeting you is on the edge of losing it. 

When we’re going around the room introducing ourselves and I try to put to work everything I’ve read about being a being a boss ass bitch and the importance of self-branding.

When a choice dog meme is going around and the fam doesn’t make you aware of it.

When you’re waiting in line at Taco Bell and someone asking is detailed questions like the cashier is some taco sommelier and they need to smell the gordita cork.