Elsewhere Library

We need to study the powerful psychic field around tumblr posts that causes people to hallucinate entire lines and paragraphs that are not present in the actual text

how dare you accuse me of putting orphans in a woodchipper

But did you piss on them though

Well if you piss on a wood chipper, it’s no wonder geopolitics are a mess

Are you seriously implying the entire academic field of urology is to blame for our current political climate

I would never say people who own a woodchipper can’t be academics! My own physics professor has one!

Oh my god you pushed your own physics professor into a woodchipper???

Chopping wood isn’t actually that complex, from a physics perspective? I don’t know if they just didn’t teach that in your schooling, but they sure did in mine.

Uh ACTUALLY everyone knows I'm majoring in wood chopping at uni so how DARE YOU I bet you don't even know how to hold an axe you POSER

Excuse me, did you just admit you chopped your professor up with an axe? Someone call the cops!!!111!!!

You'll never find where he's buried, you haven't got the chops

I would honestly prefer getting pork chops, yes, but not if that means j have to bury the pig

Hey how did you know he was an undercover cop

You slept with a cop? You took him into your bed? Even though he killed your professor?

Jesus why are you pushing your fetishes onto me I didn't consent to hearing about your fascist fantasies go lick a boot

i'm literally a minor :( why are you so mean to me :(

So you are an actual child, basically a baby by your tags, and you still created a tunglr.cod account?? You aren’t even allowed to look at a phone yet legally?!?!

Omg it's illegal to look at phones in your country?? How are you on tunglrrr? Are you surfing from a Nintendo DS or something? Or are those illegal too? I knew you were a fascist!!!

How’d you know I’m on a mintenado?! Did you hack me???

How dare you call me a hack, you fraud! Is this even your main account or did you just make this one to harass me??! I bet that mimtembo's stolen as well :(

You’re telling me I created an account just to commit tax fraud?? Wow, you’re really starting to grasp at straws here, chickenonabicycle. That’s just a low move.

Hey you really shouldn't use straws they kill turtles

Turtle shell? Stop talking about Mario Kart all the time. You’re just ignoring the real issues in online origami spaces.

Oh and here we go with the WWII denialism 🙄 News flash, the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki really did happen and the story of Sadako Sasaki is real. Weird ass conspiracy theorists.

Well done! You’re so close to getting that WWI happened! Just because WWII was a thing, doesn’t mean “The Great War” wasn’t. Why do you hunk WWII has a 2 in its name?

Sweaty WWIII is not gonna solve your problems. It's nice you've got 2 great bunkers to hide in but you can't just shoot your way out of the apocalypse and it's not gonna fix your mommy issues. Go to therapy.

Did you REALLY just claim that all those warmongers are just misunderstood traumatised little guys??

You're super ableist for blaming fascism on PTSD!! Read a BOOK!!!!!

Claiming that PTSD can be cured just by reading is SO ableist actually. Self help books won’t cure actual mental illness

Holy shit are you actually implying that we should ban mentally ill people from reading?? That they don't deserve the chance to educate themselves in order to improve their quality of life?? DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF???

Did I read this right? You truly believe all quality of life issues are just down to a lack of education? Or, even worse, down to the people not EDUCATING THEMSELVES? So illness, poverty, societal issues don’t play any role? I can’t even find the words. That’s such a disgustingly victim-blame-y mindset.

What, and now you think poor and disabled people don't have a right to an education?! What kind of alt right wing fuckery is this??

Did you just call poor people stupid? What, and you think they vote right wing because of that? Holy shit. Poverty is not a result of stupidity, and to pretend any right wing sympathies are just a class issue is dangerously and counterproductive!!!

How dare you say I piss on the poor! I'm an equal opportunity guy, I piss on everyone regardless of class.

HEY! Just because it’s one of the symptoms of diabetes, that still doesn’t mean you get to talk to me about how often I piss! You’re not my poor doctor!!

Did your doctor really recommend treating your diabetes by drinking your own piss? That's really concerning actually, you should get a second opinion.

If you think a proper social safety net means I can’t choose my own doctors, my friend, I have NEWS for you. I also don’t wait months to see my family doctor! And do you know what I pay for an ambulance ride? 10€. At most. That’s also the copay I have for all my prescriptions. But wait, actually: if I needed an ambulance right this day, I’d get it free. Because obviously, my copay is capped. It is capped to 1% of my yearly income.

You kneecap ambulance drivers?! You get paid €10 per kneecap??? Wtf kinda business is that! Why are you ruining your local healthcare network?! Who the hell'd pay you for that??

Ambulance drivers aren’t the ones ruining healthcare! It’s the fucking regional government! They keep closing down local hospitals. Yeah, centralisation is more efficient, but efficiency won’t help me when the ambulance for my heart attack has to drive 35 minutes!!!!

Well yeah, if you keep fucking people in regional government, you shouldn't be surprised their spouses eventually find out, you homewrecker. I can't believe one of them had a heart attack during sex and you waited a whole 35(!) minutes to call an ambulance, that's insane!! You basically killed them!!!

Wait, what? You had sex with someone, and when their spouse found out, you gave that spouse a heart attack? Holy shit! I didn’t know I’d have to say that, explicitly, but murder is still murder, regardless of whether you “had a good reason” or “gave them the fun drugs beforehand”. That’s just horrible!

Uh wait you know about my murder notebook? Do you have a funky invisible guy following you around as well? Mine's obsessed with apples for some reason. Anyway I only use it for, like, actual bad people. Mostly anyway.

So you’re pro death penalty? And you don’t care about false convictions OR human rights? I had low expectations, but I’m still disappointed in you…

You're pro death penalty, but only for human rights activists? What the fuck dude

No, it is NOT a human right to put orphans into woodchippers! Not even if you’re bored! Actually, “enrichment” isn’t a human right either!!

Actually it's unethical to not let your pet capitalist enrich itself on a regular basis. They get depressed and can die of boredom. :( You have to get a good bitcoin setup on top of their cage and let it trickle down.

No, trickle down economics won’t save us from depression. Not economic depression, and CERTAINLY not the mental illness. Actually, what the fuck made you think depression is purely a monetary issue? How do you even jump to these conclusions??

Depression is NOT a momentary issue for most of us, it's often chronic! And fuck you for saying depressed people should just jump off a building if they can't earn money, it's not their fault the econony's gone to shit!

You’re saying depressed people are the reason the economy is suffering? Holy shit, that’s fucked up. And no, you can’t cure MDD by just “thinking positively”. Nor by doing yoga or taking a walk or cuddling a puppy.

Dude chemically inducing MDD in puppies just to fake a study to support your new puppy yoga class business is, like, so unethical. That's not what downward dog means!!!

Look, I respect that you have good intentions, but “Just shred those dogs lmao” still is no solution. We are trying to essentially solve the current geopolitical situation AND find homes for those MDMA puppies in one afternoon, suggestions need to be well thought-out and very detailed.

Simple. We take the shredded dogs, turn them into fitness influencers, make a fortune by selling protein powder, use the money to make the dogs run for government, and then everything will sort itself out. Diplomacy has never been easier! Who could possibly say no to such a good boy?

Diplomacy doesn’t rely on drugs. “White powder”, my ass. And could we maybe get some damn nuance into this conversation? Yogurt doesn’t have any bones, after all

I NEVER claimed chemical weapons will lead to world peace, have you even learned how to read???

Dude global illiteracy rates are NOT why we still haven't achieved world peace yet. Also I read better than you and English isn't even my first language!

So you think just because I have some problems with reading long texts, you are worth more than me? Sure, that sort of thinking will give us world peace. That’s some truly despicable thinking!

Yes I do think Despicable Me was a pretty good movie, though I wouldn't say it was that particularly long?

I don’t think a long movie is the same as a novel. Both can take up a lot of time and be very entertaining (or educational!), but they’re still very different forms of media. And audiobooks are a different beast all over again!

I'm not gonna yuck your yum, but I never understood the appeal of media involving beastiality. But hey, it's fiction, so you do you?

So you’re telling me you think real life brutality is fine, right? You’re telling since you don’t care about a character’s feelings, just because “they’re fictional” and “reality is not the same as a story” and “anyone over the age of 12 should know this”, I can write whatever I want? What’s next, playing violent video games doesn’t make me a school shooter? Maybe reading about queer people doesn’t trans my gender and gay my sexuality???!!!!????

Did you just confess to thinking brutality against literal children is okay just because they're using the Gaymer tag online?! Fucking hell, I'm reporting you!!! You're a danger to society!

Violence is NEVER acceptable parenting! You wouldn’t hit a subordinate at work, why would you hit a child in your care?? I don’t know where you got “studies confirm it’s effective” from - which studies? Or is your source just “trust me, bro”?

CEOs aren’t allowed to do whatever drugs they want. This isn’t some historic-flavoured fantasy universe and they aren’t the nobility with their own special laws. They’re citizens like you and me, and they aren’t subject to the same laws!

That's historical revisionism, you know well enough the entirety of the '80s stock market was purely fuelled by cocaine and LSD. That's how the leg warmer was invented.

You refuse to wear leg warmers just because you hate knit? I mean, that’s your choice, but it seems dangerous to court hypothermia like that. Have you considered just wearing long johns or ski kits instead, maybe?

That's just rumours, John did not get a medal for giving a dog the clap. It's genuinely worrying that you think that could be true. You do realise that not everything on the internet is true, right?

Dog shows ARE inherently animal cruelty. Dogs actually hate performing tricks in general, they’re only motivated by the snacks, and competitions are even worse, because the dog trainers are motivated to push the dogs even when it physically harms them! And breeding is the worst!!!

You really shouldn't push dog trainers off bridges just because they didn't give you a snack. :(

You’re eating dogs? You do you, I guess, but where do you even get those in the EU? I’ve never heard of dog meat here.

No, no, we don't eat dog. We eat god. I know, common mistake. It's a whole thing, we take their metaphysical essence and make wine and bread with it. It accounts for like half our agricultural industry.

Oh, you still have a local god of agriculture? That sounds fascinating. I know very little of polytheistic religions in general, is it okay if I ask you a few questions?

Only if you're gonna be cool about it because most people are dickheads when it comes to polyamorous dogs :(

You have a dick growing out of your head? That doesn’t seem likely. Have you talked to a doctor? Sudden growths are definitely something a doctor should look at, just to make sure it’s not cancer or something.

Look at you armchair diagnosing me 🙄 Sure, it's cancer. Everything on the internet is cancer. It can't be cancer, I'm on WIFI NOT 5G!!!

I'm pretty sure signatures are always legally binding, even if they were done by famous people? Also calling my nan a cancer's a bit rude? Wtf?

Okay, so your nan signs - but which sign language? There’s multiple, you know? They’re full-on languages, there’s even dialects.

Idk she got her driver's license like 50 years ago. She barely knows what a stop sign is, let alone how to use her blinkers. We finally managed to teach her what the No Parking signs are because half her pension was going to parking fines. Like I get that there are regional variants of all these signs and that they didn't even have driving exams yet back in her day, but gran, it's been half a century. You live near a school. It's time nan. Please learn about traffic signs. It's just not safe for you to be on the road like this.

Your nan thinks she’s still in school? Do you mean she has dementia or something? That’s rough, I’m sorry. I hope she’s at least calm most of the time? Not scared, you know? IIRC a lot of people with dementia get really scared because they don’t recognise anything, but it sounds like she’s feeling just fine. And it’s nice the teachers and students are just letting her chill out!

Dude it's incredibly rude to use words like "demented" as a bad word. Mental health conditions are nothing to be scared of. These people are way more likely to be the victims of violence than to inflict it, do you know nothing?? She has a right to an education and it's awful of you to imply that she's only getting one because her teachers are gracious enough to actually do their job.

Did you really say that not wanting to have children is a mental illness? Children are a pretty huge burden - that’s not their fault! They’re supposed to be supported and taken care of by their carers! - and to pretend like having a child and raising it and teaching it how to be a person in this world is easy is wild. I love kids! I love showing them a bit of the world, or sharing their excitement, and spending a bit of time with them. But spending a bit of time with a child who’s already mostly capable of speech is vastly different from being responsible for a newborn, or dealing with a moody, overwhelmed or angry teenager. I’m too impatient and too easily overwhelmed, so I won’t make myself and a hypothetical child suffer me as a parent.

Actually I think most of us have spent quite a bit of time as a child. That's kinda how the human body works??

Defining a human by how long the limbs are is - an interesting concept, for sure. I don’t know if this’ll be more or less useful than “featherless biped” 😂

I have no clue if birds can be bisexual but I doubt their ability to grow feathers has anything to do with it?

Bisexuals are no more likely to cheat than anyone else!, just because they like two (or more) genders! And animals are a shit comparison for humans anyway. But like - really, my friend?? If your partner likes men, are you also afraid they’ll cheat on you with every man?

Actually my mate's John bisexual on top of being really tall and he'd always cheat during math exams because he couldn't be arsed to memorise Pythagoras. There I found one (1) counter example so you're wrong.

You think John should be doing a “virginity exam” on his financée? And stone her if she cheats? What the fuck?! Hey, the dark ages called, they want their worldviews back!

I don't do phone calls, I have social anxiety. :( And I already told you John cheats on his exams, I don't see how the topic of much of his finances are spent on getting stoned is relevant in this discussion.

Oooh, John collects stones? That sounds fascinating! What kind of stones?

Idk what they're called but they kinda glow and make your mouth taste like metal? Also one of them is called Steven I think.

Steven isn’t a stoner just because he hangs out with John! A stoner is someone who uses cannabis (a lot). Hanging out with a stoner does not a stoner make.

Actually I don't think cannabis changes the way your testicles hang, but then I've never seen John's ballsack so who knows

Are you saying only men are allowed to smoke? Or, worse, that all “real men” have to smoke? What’s wrong with you? (And that’s not even going into the weird ideology behind “man is when testicles”…)

Don't be weird about other people's genitals fam. You don't need testicles to be a man and you can be absolutely smoking regardless of gender. Really, just a dash of eyeliner and some dangly earrings would get anyone a long way in the hotness department.

Actually I think hygiene is really important in society. It's not about being lazy or ugly, there's a real health risk in leaving trash in the streets. Or do you want people to catch the bubonic plague because nobody bothered to pay the garbage men?? They've got a really strong union too, you just don't fuck with them.

“All men are garbage and should die in the streets!” - who taught you to hate like that? You’re still young, and I genuinely don’t think you know how horrible the things you’re saying are. I know me being confrontational here probably hast done much to help, either, and I’m sorry. Please just - take some time and disconnect from other input and just think your views through, what they would result in, what caused them.

Dude just because I'm a teenager it's not okay to tell me to kms in the street like garbage wtf!!! Fucking boomers telling me to "disconnect" or whatever like stop blaming everything on phones and go touch grass!!!

You do NOT get to pull the “I’m just a widdle baby I don’t know anything” card after admitting you’re in college! People of ALL ages end up being homeless, and actually, regardless of why they are, they deserve safety and better treatment and, you know, a home!

What?? You're pro snatching babies out of their homes just because their parents aren't very good homemakers?? You'd rather set fire to innocent infants than let them live in a house without throw pillows???

“Baby snatchers”, any other bigoted talking points you want to throw out? Why not accuse them of causing wood fires and plagues and climate change, too?

Big otters should be protected actually, they're an endangered species! Yes, them going extinct would literally cause fires and therefore worsen climate change, their river dams keep forest fires in check! Did they teach you nothing in school! Did you sleep through high school biology!!!

Otter dams are actually a leading cause of climate change! I don’t know where you got the idea that teachers should be paid less, either, it’s not their fault you don’t know about basic environmental facts!

Look but dentists really need dams for medical reasons, not to even mention the sapphic ladies who use them for safe sex. Do you want people to get STDs?? Do you want to ban condoms as well because they're single use products and therefore "bad for the environment"??? Also obviously you're anti-sex work and anti-union and I bet you drive a giant gas-guzzling car to compensate for your depressing sex life so I don't respect your opinions anyway.

So you support sex work but only for sapphic sex workers? What logic even is that? You know that when someone has sex for WORK, that’s work, right? Their attraction likely doesn’t even play into it! It’s such a weird stance to take!

Look I just think it's weird to pay people in sapphires. It sounds like a logistical nightmare to figure out the conversion rate and stuff. Can't they just pay their wages in actual currency?

You can’t just “convert” a sapphire into another stone. It’s not a tea towel, you can’t just throw in some colouring and it’ll look different!

Hey if a sapphic person wants to convert to another religion, that's nobody's business but theirs! And how dare you suggest they can only do so if they "change their skin colour", like what the fuck?? You do realise people can be any religion regardless of skin colour, right???? Also I can't believe you're casually promoting blackface, are you perpetually stuck in the 1920s or something???

I’m pretty sure Sappho was a real person, actually, and she was born FAR before the 1920s! There’s a difference between old and antique poetry ;-P

...are you implying lesbians don't exist anymore? They went extinct in the 1920s?? Just because you've never met a lesbian doesn't mean they don't exist anymore??? Are you perhaps confusing lesbians with dodos??? As in the bird?? Do you think a lesbian is a type of flightless bird?????

Are you saying dodos went extinct because they’re all lesbians? What even? I thought that Ice Age bit where they all jump off a cliff or sth was wild but this is. A lot.

I'm sorry lmao you thought ICE AGE WAS A DOCUMENTARY?? No wonder you're so ill-informed if you get all your knowledge from cartoons!

I don’t think I’m particularly knowledgable when it comes to carton, actually? I have handled it, sure, but that’s it. Why are you asking? I’m trying to understand you but you really seem to be gatekeeping paper crafts here

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand papercrafts. The skill is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the projects will go over a typical crafter's head.

You want to saw off peoples’ heads for the crime of sucking at woodcrafts? What the fuck? What is wrong with you??

Why the fuck is it any of your business whose wood I want to suck off you creep?! Wtf is this puritan bullshit??

The puritans did FAR worse things than deforestation!!! Have you ever been to a single history class? Ever?

Wtf did DeForest Kelly ever do to you? Why the fuck are you single-handedly holding him responsible for all of the historical problems religion has ever caused? Man I used to respect Trekkies but that's just a weirdass take.

Just because he liked trekking doesn’t make Kelly a good man! Much less a great role model! And why do you keep making everything about religion? You keep bringing it up! No one is banning your worship or whatever! You and your damn persecution complex!

Look just because I worship feet doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Again with the kink shaming, why are you so against sexual freedom?! And no, it's not a religious thing! It's purely carnally!! Do Jesus' feet look great nailed to that sexy little cross: sure, but I don't see how that's relevant??

Actually, all worship is inherently sexism, because people only worship men, or if they worship women it’s because they treat them like men. Have you never read works by the great feminists?? Just look up TERF on Google?

I think you're supposed to punch nazis, not feed them.

Not everyone who dislikes trains is a Nazi, actually. I don’t like riding trains and I’m firmly anti fascist.

YOU WISH HORSES WERE FASCIST??? You want barn animals to go into politics and establish a dictatorship?? You'd vote for that??? No wait, you don't even believe in democracy! You just want a horse to tell you what to do!!

HOW can you say animals shouldn’t have a vote?? We’re basically incarcerating them and then murdering them, why not give them the vote? What kind of signal does this send??

Oh so when YOU take Russian bribes to post outrage on the internet it's FINE but when VIKTOR ORBÁN bribes ME to spy on the European parliament I'M THE DISGUSTING ONE?? HIPPOCRATES!!!

It's a bit mean to claim that people shouldn't reproduce just because you personally don't like them? So what, eugenics is fine as long as it's people that you find mildly annoying? Is that the implication here? Talk about a slippery slope!

Don’t talk to me about Eugene or “slipping” onto his slope again! You cheated on me, plain and simple!!

Yeah well you groomed me so it doesn't count as cheating. :( The 2 year age gap was just too big to be healthy for us, we would've never lasted. How could I possibly spend my life with someone who was already a toddler by the time I was born???

I’m pretty sure toddlers don’t really “cheat” when playing games so much as they don’t quite understand the rules yet? Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t really have much contact with small children - at most the kids of my acquaintances and friends, and rarely - so I don’t know much about how children develop or what capabilities they have. But I don’t think deliberately deceiving others is a concept a two year old knows?

Speak for yourself, I was making millions by cheating at backroom poker games when I was two. This is financially literate toddler erasure and I won't stand for it.

You would steal erasers from millions of toddlers just to make a financial gain? Because you think they don’t deserve them? Because you think no one deserves any rights if they aren’t literate? You disgust me

You think education would be better off if we took away all of the erasers and taught kids they're not allowed to make any mistakes or else they don't deserve schooling?? That sounds incredibly traumatising!

That’s just a lie. John didn’t rejected from law school because he had a tattoo. John got rejected because he hadn’t even graduated from secondary school, which is a requirement to go to university!

Having requirements for university is classist as fuck! What's next, having to prove you drive a Tesla and have a fancy job lined up at your daddy's bank before you can enroll? Let me guess, you also want to get rid of all arts and humanities courses and solely want universities to focus on economics? I bet you have Big Opinions™ on gender studies as well and unironically think blue hair dye should be illegal.

So you’re saying everyone who I has a college education is a liberal (but a “bad” liberal with bad opinions) and everyone who didn’t is simultaneously a Good Honest Person and a Weird Backwards Regressive who’s probably doing hate crimes? Is that what you’re thinking? I can’t even with you. That’s not how politics works! How are you STILL treating this like a damn team sport? We have real issues to solve, and those are more complex than your weird preconceptions!

I don't thing sports are that complex though? Most of it just involves moving a ball into the opposite goal? Like why fight about it? Just ask the opposite team if you could politely put your ball into their goal and then everyone'd be able to go home early. I really don't see the need to complicate things.

Taking the fight out of everything isn’t actually helping children. The fighting in sports isn’t angry or violent. It’s just what makes the game fun! There’s no game if there’s no competition!!

Uh hello?? The 90s called??? Video games do not make people angry or violent!!! I mean unless they're really buggy I guess but that's frustration not aggression. You sound like those Victorians who thought *checks notes* novel reading and theatre visits would make people violent. What are you gonna do, send every gamer a vibrator and a roll of yellow wallpaper???

Uhhh wait you think Jesus was shocked instead of crucified? As in,,, the electric chair? In Roman times??? What do you think they used, eels??? And then you threaten people who don't believe that with woodchippers? Which mind you are also historically inaccurate?? Wtf kind of schism are you cooking up? Are you the reason the pope died?? Did you push the actual pope into a woodchipper?!

I mean. 👀 You should know. 👀 About the woodchipper and blood and bones. 👀 I've heard the rumours. 👀👀👀

How about clown cause you sure are clowning on this fucking post honk honk. It's not my job to supply you with studies, just do your own research! Look at this so-called critical thinker here, probably gets their news from the government instead of Twitter and Telegram.

Wait, lawyer John hates swans and mimes and all other birds? Holy shit. I didn’t expect that at all. Guess it’s time to unfollow him. Is there any online celebrity who isn’t rotten to the core?

Oh yeah I've heard that about apple being rotten to the core but I don't see how you're supposed to remove the headphone jack from a piece of fruit?

The NSA isn’t listening to you through your headphone jack. And while we’re at it, what kind of Apple are you using that still ha a headphone jack? It’s got to be INCREDIBLY outdated!

Fluoride doesn’t turn your teeth blue! Neither does oral sex. What kind of sex ed did you ever get, that you think that??

I'm so confused, why are you telling me to look up rule 34 smurf content now??? What's peyo porn got to do with dentistry???

Your dentist showed you porn when you got your wisdom teeth pulled out? I’m so sorry, that’s really fucked up!

Look there's nothing wrong with consensually made pornography, but it's kind of a wild leap to assume all dentists are porn actors. I know they professionally fill holes and do oral care, but those things don't mean the same for dentists as for porn actors. Just trying to educate you.

So you’re saying porn actors shouldn’t get health insurance because - they need more dental treatments? I don’t even know where to start with this bs

Actually I do think wood chippers should be a basic part of every employee's wage packet regardless of job function. It's such as an important tool, especially for orphan disposal. This is basic shit unions have fought over for over a century. People died for your right to put orphans in wood chippers and you think it's bullshit because you're anti-porn because apparently it's sex workers' fault that you don't have dental insurance??

So you think the orphans working at the coal mine shouldn’t get to join their colliers’ union? Because “they’re dirty and smelly and have bad teeth”? What the FUCK?

Keep your religion out of my sex life. I don’t know where you’re living, but in my country, we’re all free to live according to whichever religion we’re part of, if any. That’s why I’m getting jiggy with it daily. That’s just a religious requirement for me. But that doesn’t mean I push you to do the same. And likewise, you don’t get to demand I follow your religious beliefs, just because you think the Christmas baby came from the heavens on Easter to give gifts to everyone or something. It’s really weird to push that. Do I also have to read the Quran so I’m allowed to talk to you, or swear my soul to christmyanity?!!??

...you DO know babies don't come from heaven right? You DO know the potential anatomical consequences of unprotected sex?

Why are you talking about baby anatomy with me. That’s weird. I’m talking about puppies, not humans

Puppies?! DOGS??? Why do you HATE CATS? What's wrong with you? What did cats ever do to you? Who the fuck hates cats??? You're fucking broken!!!

Actually, cats killed and ate my entire family. And YOU are the one who brought hate crimes into this! I was just discussing John’s law career (or lack thereof) and his goddamn bulldog!!

Lions are cats!! You don’t get to just ignore biology when it suits your narrative. That is really not okay. Trans people ARE trans. Intersex people DO exist. That’s very well known and very well researched and also you can just, you know, listen to them? You don’t get to plug your ears and go “la la la la but I learned in fifth grade there’s only Male and Female!!!” Yeah, good for you, but that’s not how biology actually works. And social gender is not a biological category, it’s a social construct.

Oh I didn't know cats could get gender affirming care? Where can I donate to Tony the Tiger's top surgery fund?

I really wish you wouldn’t keep dragging cartoons into this. I’m trying to have a serious discussion about the implications of the European Parliament banning the MEPs from taking their personal woodchippers to work, and how this might influence our relationship to the Martians (if you think those aren’t real, just look it up on the Telegram!), and you’re taking about cats!!

Holy shit John works for the French military secret services??? I never knew! You're saying he's interbreeding cats and dogs and teaching them Martian? What the fuck could the French possibly do with those?

Why would you feed fish babies to dogs? They’re CAT food!! That’s not okay. I don’t care what John says, I don’t care what that Mark Watney says, that’s completely unacceptable. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Are you really saying poor people should eat cat food? Holy SHIT, are you even listening to yourself? Yes, sure, self reliance is great, but when you’re at the point where you can’t afford human safe food, I think nearly everyone will agree that’s where outside assistance just HAS to bridge the gap, however much against it they are!!

Wtf do you mean you wanna build bridges out of cats? Just because they always land on their feet doesn't mean they make a sustainable material for earthquake-proof constructions???

“Bridging the gap between cat and human communication”, oh, stop trying to bullshit me. A cat doesn’t communicate in complex human sentences just in ‘cat language’. You’ve got an app with a bunch of phrases and a bunch of meow sounds preloaded. If you put in a LOT of effort, you might have categorised them vaguely by emotions, but I doubt it. And now you’re scamming people out of a huge amount of money for a subscription. I don’t care if you’re going “oh but we donated 100€ to rebuilding after that recent earthquake!” - great! But you’re making, at a low estimate, 3000€ a month!

What do you mean catgirls are the cause of earthquakes?? You mean the moe girls that go nya? The jiggle physics boobies with the ears? You're saying Japanese cartoon characters have caused every earthquake known in human history so far? Lmao what???

My money doesn’t jiggle (or jingle), it folds. And yes, that’s because I know so many cat girls. They bring good luck, like black cats!!

Kinda weird of you to care about what colour a cat's skin is beneath its fur? I hope your adoption application gets denied.

You only want people to adopt if they own dogs? No wonder you were kicked out of Wendy’s!!

We don't even have Wendy's here wtf it's Quick I got kicked out of for getting pizza delivered there from Pizza Hut while using their WiFi get your facts straight FAKE NEWS!!!

WiFi doesn’t give your pizza cancer! You need to just deal with it and pay extra if you want additional toppings!!!

Yeah I know I have to pay extra for toppings I know how sex work works.

You think paying for sex is immoral - because all sex is immoral? My favourite stranger online, how do you propose humans procreate in your magical world where no one ever does the do?

I don't think sex magic is real. How are orgasms supposed to make you immortal exactly? Are you maybe confusing a hentai plot with reality again?

You don’t get to call good friend John a slut just because he moonlights as a porn actor.

Look if he wants to reclaim the term that's none of our business and fuck you for telling him what he can and can't identify as. You're just against disability representation in pornography!

Recycling term papers is actually just called plagiarism, and that’s why John failed to graduate…

What so now you're against recycling?? You're fighting climate change on the side of climate change??

Uhm it's my GOD GIVEN RIGHT to hit my siblings with a car FUCK YOU for trying to limit my freedom!!!

You should be ashamed of yourself for stealing your sibling’s car and driving it into a wall. It’s not “freedom”, it’s not “breaking down a barrier”, it’s just destroying your neighbours’ living room!

How dare you accuse me of putting my neighbour in a wood chipper

Your car doesn’t have a wood chipper attachment? How do you get rid of leftover puppies then?

Uh LIKE A NORMAL PERSON YOU MANIAC I get a 101 of them and turn them into a fur coat!!

Turning apple wood into coats and selling them as faux fur coats is actually against Canadian law, sweaty

Lol you believe in Canada? What's next, Atlantis?

Wasn’t Atlas Greek? Rather than Canadian?

look at this "young person"... they think an Atlas only covers "Canada" and "Greece"... LOL!

Canada has Geese, though??

Pfff yeah but do the geese have jobs? Do they contribute to the economy? I bet they're all welfare queens! I've never even met a goose with a high school degree before I bet they don't give a shit.

Oh, I can only imagine how hard a job breeding geese is! Though I’m not sure I understand this correctly, do you really need to get a college degree in cheesemaking to get your goose license??

I don't think you necessarily need a degree to keep sheep for their fleece though an animal welfare license would probably be important. Not that you'd care.

Sheep don’t make fleece, dummy. Fleece is that soft blanket from plastic fibres you buy in the 1€-Store

Holy shit is that why so many clothes have microplastics? Are sheep macroplastics??? I'm never buying wool clothes again!!!

You covered your micro sheep in plastic trash? That’s animal abuse!!

That's a really rude way to talk about my lvl 5 mareep. :( It's not her fault she was born with the static ability.

MI5 don’t really do statistics. Or, well, maybe they do that, too. But mostly they do whatever spies do. Inside the UK, though.

The ladies from Mambo nr5 are UK spies?? Even Monica???

Who’s Monica Mambo and why did she steal from the UK embassy in Berlin?

I don't know why a monk would want to do embarrassing things in Berlin?? Why the fuck are you asking me??? Do I look like a monk???

It’s really rude to pretend to be a monk, actually. They dedicate their whole life to their god.

I'm pretty sure monkeys are atheists actually. Except for capuchin monkeys I guess?

Did you really eat calabrese with a moneyed atheist? What even IS a monkeyed atheist?

You should NEVER EVER EVER feed the wildlife in your neighborhood!!! That's BAD!!! If you feed pasta to monkeys they'll come to rely on you for food and they'll get AGGRESSIVE!!! And I bet it's really bad for them too!!! Fuck you!!!!!! People like you are why we have CLIMATE CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!

Monkeys aren’t even aggressive to pasta, why would you think that? And how do you get from there to climate change denial? Just because you love your little SUV??

Humans caused climate change → Humans are monkeys → Monkeys caused climate change → We should give all chimpanzees an SUV to level the playing field

Lmao do you REALLY think climate change caused monkeys to “return to humane”?

No actually I think ice bears are to blame. Have you seen all that ice bear propaganda that used to go around to make it look like the icebergs are melting? All a big plot by Big Ice to sell more ice!

V true. And also, have you ever seen an ice bear irl? I haven’t. They’re a lie. Just like birds and germs. It’s all a conspiracy!!!

Lol you still believe in reality? Don't you know we're all stuck in a simulation? All this erratic bullshit the world is going through right now is caused by a computer virus that's making us behave outside of our predetermined protocols in the hopes that one of us will accidentally stumble into a system bug that the elite can use to escape the simulation and enter the real world!

No, I'm not angry, dad. I'm disappointed. I know it's you. Mum told me about you going out for a hard copy of the McAfee antivirus program and never coming back. All these years, dad, she kept waiting for you to come back. You should've seen her face when the family computer got that Trojan horse virus that wiped all of our pictures of you. It broke her, dad. Why did you do it?

Ewww, you walked in on your parents dealing with a Trojan? That sounds inappropriate. My condolences.

Why exactly do you think it's inappropriate for 2 Latin teachers to tell their child about mythology? Why are you against educating children?

Latin isn’t a myth! It’s even still spoken in the Vatican!

Romanes eunt domus!

Roman has made fresh donuts? Why didn’t you say so?! I’ll call up John, you message Mary, and then we’ll come over and eat!

Yeah of course the recipe sucks if you change everything! Literally where did it say to add rosemary?? Also you fucking know John is allergic to that shit???

No, YOU suck! How dare you come on my post and slander rosemary? And ofc John is “allergic to all her perfumes”, when he’s fine with every other one. You know that if you give him like two beers he starts talking about how he made that up to have people disinvite her when he’s present, right??

Fuck off like you didn't send me that vaguely threatening anon two years ago 🙄 And I saw you retweeting that guy who talks about curing autism with wood chippers so I don't respect your opinions anyway.

Not all autists are the same. Not all of us are into wood chippers just because you know a guy form twitter who is. I think wood chipping is a fun hobby, but that’s not because of my autism, that’s just me as a person having a hobby!

Rick Astley kills orphans with soundwaves? WHAT???

Why do you keep bringing up the orphans?? I TOLD you, they’ve been shredded! Well, technically speaking, they’ve been woodchipped. Anyway, there’s no one to put into the orphan crushing machine.

Idk can you use a woodchipper to shred illegal paperwork?

You don’t get to pretend like you’re against big corporations while you’re using photoshop, my friend! And why do things KEEP COMING BACK TO CRIME?? Is this just because you’ve been talking to John again? Is that why you’re so interested in criminal law rn??

At least I'm supportive of John's new podcast! You haven't even listened to a single episode yet! Fuck I bet that one star review was yours! Why are you actively sabotaging our disabled friend's new career???

John isn't "manly" enough for you? Just because he uses a wheelchair and blogs about puppies? The 2000s called, they want their casual homophobia back!!!

Defining gender roles by abledness or native language is certainly - inventive…

You getting angry now because anglophones are not the only people engaging in discussions about gender and gender roles? You do realise there's a whole world out there, right?

I HAVE traveled, you ass! I’ve been to New York AND to Florida AND lived all over Texas. And my grandma lives in Minnesota, and her aunt-by-marriage was from turkey or Poland or somewhere thereabouts!! You can’t get that sort of diversity anywhere else!!!

Yeah I know turkeys are native to the USA you ass. What so I'm uneducated just because I'm not from the same country as you?

Turkey isn’t a country, it’s a food, sweaty. Illinois is a country.

Nah you're thinking of Hasselt which is a fake Belgian town. All of my Facebook friends are convinced it's not a real place so it must be true. WAKE UP SHEEPLE

How the fuck are you returning online orders without using your real name?? Are you using a fake name to shop on the internet?

Fake online shops are a huge problem actually, and you should warn your friends and family about them!

Pff everything is fake to you. Vaccines are fake, the moonlanding is fake, John's new spouse who's never in the same room as him is fake. Have you tried seeing a therapist? /gen

I never said anything about the moon landing OR the Mars rover, why would John’s spouse ever say that???

Then wtf am I doing here ordering all those mars bars for your birthday??? Now you're telling me you don't even like chocolate? Who the fuck doesn't like chocolate???

Chocolate versus vanilla versus and other ice cream flavour is not the same damn question as voting for first, second, third or fourth party this March! Or any party in any election whatsoever! Yeah, compromise is necessary, but we are talking about parties with positions like “brown Germans aren’t actually German” or “refugees should just drown”! Being able to pretend that’s just a different personal preference is SUCH an indication of privilege. I can’t even with you rn

Uh I don't think liking ice cream is a sign of privilege? You do know you can get it for cheap at Aldi right? Just check the big freezers near the tills?

Idk man, if Jules Delhaize and Franz Colruyt could do it, then wtf is stopping other people? Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps instead of living off social welfare? People are so fucking lazy these days 🙄 Just start an international supermarket chain if you don't wanna be poor? It's not a big deal!

It’s actually really classicist of you to assume everyone can afford to wear boots. Some of us have to walk to school barefoot, in the snow, uphill. Both ways.

It's really classissimist of you to assume I know that!Mx Fancypants gets to go to school and now rubs it in everyone's faces! Why aren't you studying something useful, like wood chipping?

Wait, you didn’t wear pants to school? Did they force you to wear skirts or something??? And you had to chop wood for your teachers?!?!? That’s actually child abuse!!!!!

What kind of school did you go to that could afford pants??? We all got jute potato bags as uniforms and we were grateful for them!!! CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!!!

Are you really saying schools should get to ban teachers from eating potatoes or noodles? At home? “They need to live a uniform life and that means a uniform diet”, holy moly, that is SO bad! No wonder there’s a teacher shortage!

What so you can't be a teacher unless you're at least 1m80 tall? Why the fuck would you even believe something like that? How would they even go around deciding who gets to be a teacher? Measure every new pedagogy student's height before they get to enrol?

How did you know I wanted to be a podiatrist? Are you stalking me?

No wtf you're supposed to feed pandas bamboo shoots not grass stalks???

You put bamboo grass into a woodchipper? Well, I don’t nee why that would be a problem. If it can do yogurt cups, it can do bamboo, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander etc etc

You make yoghurt out of bamboo and geese fat? Is that a historical recipe or something?

Are you really calling historical geese “fat and yogurt-coloured”? That’s horrible!!

Uhm xenophobic much? Fat and yoghurt-coloured are compliments in my language, they just sound weird to you because you auto-translated my comment into English using AI!

So you’re saying unless your skin is yogurt coloured you shouldn’t be allowed to learn French? Holy shit that’s SO racist! Also there are so many native speakers of French with dark skin???????? You claim to be an expert about the Netherlands and their language but don’t even know anything about them!!!

Uhm wtf? So you're saying that anyone who wants to learn German first has to overdose on colloidal silver until they look like my blueberry yoghurt??? You do know the Smurfs are fictional and not actually the indigenous population of Europe right?

So German cars use silver instead of steel? Is that why they’re so expensive?

Lol you bought silver toy cars for your toddlers? Isn't that crazy expensive for something that'll get lost right away? You know they put everything in their mouth at that age, right?Just buy lead toys like a normal person!

Lead isn’t actually the same thing as silver, sweaty. Silver is what a spoon is made of, and a lead is like a clue in a detective novel.

Uhm no? Lead is the thing that evolves into gold if it reaches level 30 while you hold your Nintendo DS upside down.

I think that whole “Level 10 Life” thing was actually a popular bullet journal spread, not a video game? But maybe I’m wrong.

Wrong, that "Level 10 Life" thing is what I'm gonna do to your mum if you don't stop cyberstalking me you n00b.

Stop talking about my mum’s boobs, or I’ll tattle to the server administrators. Just because you got to level 10 in the last mini game doesn’t give you the right to joke about my family or to insult my religion or to threaten my pets!!!

Your religion forbids breastfeeding? Why?

Uh your cult sells babies for profit? I don't think that's legal??

“Babies aren’t real” sure is one of the weirdest conspiracy theories ever. Where the fuck do you think humans come from then? Did all of your little cultists grown in a cabbage patch?

No you absolute fool babies are made by mixing flour, sugar, eggs, baking powder, and milk, and then baking them at 180°C for 45 minutes.

Yeah, sure, sugar, spice and everything nice, add a pinch of arsenic and bake. Everyone knows the baby recipe. You learn that in biology in like sixth grade.

Yes obviously? It's artificial INTELLIGENCE? Why would they call it that if it was stupid? And wtf do love language models have to do with it?

You think love languages are stupid? That’s abusive!!!

Wtf love is not inherently abusive? Have you ever been beaten up by a golden retriever or something?

You abuse your golden retriever when it betas you at chess?????!!!?

You feed your dog betta fish because you think the fish oil will make him smarter?????

Fish oil absolutely makes people smarter, and that makes them valuable, hence vegans are worthless because they are all stupid. The only reason you would ever demand I question that is because you are just racist because this is traditional knowledge of my country which I learned from my auntie.

Ewww you're one of those carnivore rightwing freaks! Don't you have lead supplements to choke on?

John exclusively follows amphibian care tips instagram accounts? Huh, I’m surprised. I thought he was really into wood chip painting, actually?

I don't know what any of that means but I know I'll always support him no matter what labels he uses for himself. #ally

So you’re supporting John putting puppies into the wood chipper just because he’s gay? That’s unbelievable. The fact that he’s discriminated against doesn’t automatically make all his actions morally good!!

What so it's ethical for people to put small mammals in wood chippers as long as those creatures are proven to be heterosexual?? Huh??? Moral issues aside, how would you even prove they're straight??? Have you ever seen a vole or perhaps a hamster make defining statements about their sexuality??? What in the Freudian fuck are you smoking???????

So Freud was smoking crack cannabis and that’s why he’s all about sexuality?!

Wait Freud was a Cracked.com writer? You got any archived links to his old articles?

You cracked the code in Freud’s secret diaries? That’s awesome! Have you told the treasure hunters yet????

The treasurer of your country has secret diarrhea due to the stress of a feud with local hunters? I think he should go see a doctor and maybe a lawyer?

You’re right, if you have diphtheria, you need to talk to a doctor, not a lawyer. Getting help is more urgent and important than trying to figure out if you can sue your mother for infecting you. And certainly more important than hunting. (Unless you’re a werewolf obviously. Can’t heal without fresh meat I guess?)

Hey leave my mother out of this. What she does with her body hair is nobody's business but hers!

How DARE you demand my mother kiss a stingray just to prove she has a body??? And leave her hair out of it!!

Idgaf whether your mum dyes her hair or not!!! There's nothing wrong with gray hair!!! Just let her age gracefully the way she wants!!!!!

Uh are your parents forcing you to eat books? I don't think that's safe? If you need more fibre you can just take a supplement for that?

Just because you read it in a book about it doesn’t mean fibre is actually healthy! My grandmother only ate raw deer and she left to be 45! You should eat like our ancestor, who famously never discovered fire or how to cook, and who were also entirely carnivorous.

Your attempts at convincing me have been noted, however, owing to your unsophisticated vocabulary and illogical, emotional line of argumentation, they have been entirely unsuccessful. You see, the class of Pisces, what some people might call “fish” are actually incapable of photosynthesis. If you had spent more time educating yourself about the processes behind allergies, like I did, and less time demonstrating your inferior intelligence to the entire population of the globe online, you would know that.

My sweet Grandchild has told me about these "fish"... I would like very much to buy one for their Birth Day... Where can I buy these "fish" ? I was very impressed by your photo of "Jesus" as a Lobster , I was not aware He had returned ? Please message me with more information...

Uh you don't fucking know my history!!! Keep your fucking hands off my Herbalife subscription??? I'm like one of the few people actually making money with MLM's??? I'm better than you??? You can't grift a grifter!!!!

How the fuck are herbs a grift?? And why would you demand people get life in prison for fraud?? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Idk my mate John once gifted me a jar of weed but then it turned out to be oregano and it wasn't even malicious he just really likes oregano enough to actually have a whole jar of it it's just weird he keeps it next to his actual weed because now I'm worried he's been putting cannabis on his pizzas though I guess that would explain a few things either way he makes really good calzones as well so maybe it's worth it idk

No you're thinking of Komodo dragon which incidentally was John's last pet. He said it ran away though?

No you’re thinking of commode, which I think is a euphemism for the toilet, but mainly means a chest of drawers.

No you're thinking of à la mode, which means something is in fashion, though the Americans got weird about it and use it to say something is served with ice cream for some reason.

No, I believe you're thinking of pornography, which is something that fanfiction enthusiasts used to refer to in measures of citrus fruit. And which coincidentally could also occasionally include a short sour snack, depending on which characters you were into.

I think you’re talking about pomegranates. They’re THE symbol of breasts for a good reason. The shape just matches exactly. That’s why they’re so popular in porn. Ever look at a pomegranate in a photo? Sometimes it’s hard to tell if those are grocery store advertisements or just things that get you pixelated on tumblr.

They sell grenades in your grocery store? I was familiar with the concept of an iron harvest but I'd never heard of that before. What do they taste like? I'd imagine they're spicy?

I didn’t know they put metals into grenadine syrup! That’s concerning. Do you have a source for that, maybe?

Well I don't know where people source their lead but I heard the Romans used it as a sugar alternative and sugar is really bad for you so I think I'm gonna look into it I'll let you know if I find something

Even if you add sugar to it, that doesn’t make pencil lead more digestible. It doesn’t actually make it that tasty, either.

no you've got it all wrong you're supposed to add the sugar to leaded gasoline so your car will go faster because sugar makes thing go faster and lead was used by the Romans for pretty much anything and ancient technology always works best because why else would they have used it for so long they were hella smart like smarter than today ever heard of Atlantis that entire island ran on sugared gasoline that's why we can't eat fish anymore today because when the island sank all the fish ate the gasoline and they became faster but also addicted to sugar but there's no sugar in the sea because the cubes dissolve if you throw it in there so they started to eat the salt instead because it looks like sugar like I once put salt in my coffee instead of sugar and it was nasty anyway I'm not allowed to have caffeine anymore today which is too bad because I always wrote the bestest essays on caffeine but today I did sneak in a red bull so I'm smartmaxxing that's what my friends on Reddit call it they have a podcast about it but it's edited really bad because they don't know how to use their DAW properly anyway why are you so critical of my driving habits I can do whatever the fuck I want you can't stop me you don't know me wtf

Idgaf about your qualifications that's still not an excuse to gaslight me about my own personal experiences? I once met a guy from Atlanta and he couldn't drive for shit!!! And I don't think a supplemental essay on his driving test would've ever changed that!!!!

Actually, I think YOU should be the one who takes an additional driving test, because cars do not have gas lights. What the fuck. Are you just confused because people call the fuel for cars gasoline (or gas for short) in some places?

If people need gas, can't they just fill up the tank with beans? Sure works for John.

I don’t care if they make you gassy, you can’t make a chilli sin carne without beans!!

Idgaf about how chill you claim to be about bear culture, it's homophobic to say all they do is "carnal sinning"?! Wtf get off my post!!!

You don’t get to kink shame me just because my kink is saying homophonic things to strangers! I can’t help what I like!

Uh yeah most humans speak in a homophonic way you twat that doesn't make you special. Get back to me once you learn how to sing solo polyphony.

I’m not “demanding an unearned honorific”, whatever that’s even supposed to mean in this context. I just want you stop mentioning my twat. Jesus Christ, have you always been so condescending?

Idk if Jesus had a twat or not but if she ever descends back to earth I don't think it'll be because of your pussy specifically. You're not that special honey. 💋

You should never put honey on your pussy! The sugar will mess up your PH or something. That’s not good.

You have a PhD in pussy eating? What was the topic of your dissertation?

Telling someone they eat pussy well isn’t a diss. It’s kind of the opposite, even!

The opposition in your parlement was running on a platform to make cunnilingus mandatory for everyone over the age of 18 as a requirement to vote? How would you even enforce that? What about people without tongues???

You oppose Parliament hiring cunning linguists to smuggle in weird exceptions to new laws? So do I! You should join my party, the “angry and we mean it” party. We are annoyed at all the things going wrong. Solutions, you ask? No, of course not. We are the “angry and we mean it”-party, not the “using our anger productively”-party. They have the office next door. We’d work with them but we hate how they’re watering down the purity of good old-fashioned anger by trying to find solutions instead. That newfangled bullshit doesn’t have a place in our movement.

Yeah I'm also pretty angry about the newest fad in office layouts. :( Open offices already sucked so much and now my boss is forcing me to sit in such a way that I have to make direct eye contact with my perpetually annoyed coworker at all times because, and I quote, "it improves empathy among personnel". I'm this fucking close to spiking the office coffee machine with LSD. I don't know if that counts as productive though.

Are you sure your coworker is LDS? I thought they were famous for the dead-eyed smile, not for staring?

Idk if they play Nintendo DS but I don't get why you're assuming all gamers are dead inside? Have you ever played Animal Crossing? It's wholesome as shit! It's 2026 why do people still get so offended by the concept of adults playing video games?

You shouldn’t give your animals croissants, it doesn’t matter if they are made from Whole Foods or just the usual supermarket shit.

No you're blatantly misinformed. Most animals can't swallow food whole. That's why they have teeth! How are you this stupid?

How do you know my name is Ms. Information??? Are you stalking me?? And stop asking about my teeth you creep!

Playing “smash or pass” at work isn’t “an impartial way to rate your face and teeth”, it’s just disgusting & unprofessional. You are horrible. And yes! I have TBI! That is a form of neurodiversity. It’s more than just ADHD and autism!!

Kinda sus that you're fine with smashing people's faces in unless they're neurodivergent. Are you one of those aspie supremacists I keep seeing on my Reddit feed? :|

Look, I know they are going a bit far, but saying that those fucking aspie supremacists actually “just need to be smashed into the head until they’re cured” isnt actual better?? Do you get that?? And I don’t care that you like redwood digs, whatever that is. Good for you, I guess? But wtf does it have to do with our convo??

Idk if people who like asparagus are supreme fuckers, I've never slept with one before? Most people I know can't stand the vegetable. And you say their wood is bright red when erect? That sounds like a blood flow problem.

Asparagus shouldn’t be hard like wood. And if it makes your mouth, and I quote, “go all red and hurt-y” I think you have just been eating twigs. Or maybe thorny branches.

I think you might be allergic to aspartame actually. And it's normal for some types of plants to have thorns? Did you really think those were bio-engineered just to hurt you? Specifically you? Talk about main character syndrome!

Aspertame does NOT cause multiple persons syndrome. I think I read somewhere that that doesn't actually exist and it's just desiccation disorder. Isn't that fascinating?

No but dissection is bad cuz you have to k*ll someone to do it 💔💀😭 Idc if we can learn more about sp*rm taming that way 😳😳😳 I dont wanna see j*zz do tricks anyway thats gross your weird get off my post 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Why tf are you censoring jazz music but not dissection?? What is wrong with you?

Theodor W. Adorno (/əˈdɔːrnoʊ/ ə-DOR-noh;[10] German: [ˈteːodoːɐ̯ aˈdɔʁno] ⓘ;[11][12] born Theodor Ludwig Wiesengrund; 11 September 1903 – 6 August 1969) was a German philosopher, musicologist, and social theorist. He was a leading member of the Frankfurt School of critical theory, whose work has come to be associated with thinkers such as Ernst Bloch, Walter Benjamin, Max Horkheimer, Erich Fromm, and Herbert Marcuse, for whom the works of Sigmund Freud, Karl Marx, and G. W. F. Hegel were essential to a critique of modern society. As a critic of both fascism and what he called the culture industry, his writings—such as Dialectic of Enlightenment (1947), Minima Moralia (1951), and Negative Dialectics (1966)—strongly influenced the European New Left. (Source)

I am not reading all of that, and it’s actually extremely sexist that you’d expect me to read your long-ass reply just to make you feel great. Fuck you.

It's actually extremely sexist of you to assume I'd wanna fuck you just because you're trying to pull this dommy mommy Tumblr bullshit on me. You're doing BDSM wrong. And you never even do the dishes! I'm calling a referendum to vote you out of the polycule.

Voting and ranking inside the polycule, wasn‘t that what this one woman did who turned states evidence against that one financial criminal? Fuck, what was her name again? Or his? Anyway, I am surprised she got to post about all her BDSM stuff on tumblr given all those new advertiser-friendly rules. Or, well, I presume she just limited herself to text and mostly-covered photos?

No that was an affair instead of a polycule and a bank robbery instead of a financial crime and a they instead of a she or a he, and it was economical theories on the influence of sound on the stock market instead of BDSM and it was Twitter instead of Tumblr. You're so misinformed! Google "sonic inflation" if you want to be a better human on the internet. 🙄

Woah I didn't know Sonic was polyamorous? Is that canon? Man Sega really was ahead for its time! Guess I should've known, with his blue hair and pronouns. Is that why he was collecting all those rings? They were wedding rings for his polycule?

You can have whatever headcanons you want, redgardless of your sexuality, gender identity or anything else. And hair colour or wearing rings or other jewellery doesn’t have to define your gender! It’s really fascinating to learn about, but when you think about it, it makes sense - it’s not like there’s some natural law that means women are born with earrings. Or when you look at history, there’s so many things that seem weird to us but we’re totally normal and expected back then! I hope all those tv talk show people and politicians can calm down and just think about it for a bit, right? And of course maybe it’s not interesting to them, but everyone else should have the freedom to try stuff out, I think. I also don’t get the sports my brother is into or what fun my mum sees in acting in a theatre but I’ve decided I’ll just be happy they like it, and glad they invited me to try it out with them for a bit!

Why are you being so empathetic. :( That's not fair. :( If people on the internet start acting empathetic all of a sudden, I look like an asshole when I yell at them and yelling at people on the internet is my only hobby. :( You're so rude. :( If you don't stop it I'm gonna tell the mods and they'll ban you. :( Didn't you know empathy is a sin? :(

Sinning isn’t pathetic, it’s dangerous! You will go to superhell with the soldier of god guy with the trench goat!!!

Okay let's unpack all that shall we? Singing is sinful: why you do think that? Were you traumatised by an opera singer as a child? Did the church choir reject your audition? What's happening here?

So you think kids should only ever use opera as a browser? Because they told you so in church? What kind of church are you going to, that seems so random, I’m intrigued!

Did not Jesus say upon the mountain, "Blessed are those who avoid Google Chrome, for they shall inherit the Adblocker"? Or was that just my copy of the bible? To be fair I did get it at an anarchist tech convention.

Jesus went to Mordor to buy adblocker? Huh, I think I need to re-read the Bible. I don’t really like the style tbh? And there’s just too many fan translations.

Oh so when John Milton writes biblical fanfiction it's fine but when I do it it's blasphemy??? It was not OOC, you can't prove Jesus was not a catboy!!!!!

I though Milton Keynes was a nice area to live in? But if they have big problems with wild cats biting boys, maybe not? I didn’t even know they had wild cats in the UK!!!

The Cats musical is an allegorical work about the British empire with an explicit pro-colonisation stance actually. Very rude of you to tell people to go watch Racism The Musical.

So cat allergies were a fake allergy spread as a status symbol by the British empire, and no one else ever had them before, and that means anyone who’s got a cat hair allergy hasn’t interacted with anyone not employed by the British East India Company and thus they’re racist? Holy shit, I never knew that! That’s so shocking! Thank you for telling me.

Wait Mister Beast is building an empire ran by racist cats because he's allergic to British people? Is that real or did ChatGPT tell you that?

ChatGPT is not going to make Mr Best the glorious enlightened despot whose empire will lead us all into a brighter future. What even?? Yeah, democracy has its issues, but single rulers aren’t actually any better! They are, in fact, worse!

Learning this was an intentional genocide changed me.

love how tumblr staff has time to censor words like “paint mixing” and “my face” and yet they can’t get rid of ssexsophie8127 thats been liking my posts from 2017

fuck you

i won

Legitimately good example of how thorough you need to be to protect private information

I'm sure all my settings are set to "yes show me mature content no don't filter anything" what are you TALKING ABOUT

the posts are ON THE WEBSITE. I can't search dirty words?? am I five??? is this club penguin??? when I get you

if they actually announce ace attorney 7 I’ll get Miles Edgeworth tattooed on my ass

We need to study the powerful psychic field around tumblr posts that causes people to hallucinate entire lines and paragraphs that are not present in the actual text

how dare you accuse me of putting orphans in a woodchipper

But did you piss on them though