I am Unsure

I believe right now I'm standing at threshold. I am discovering rooms, meeting people, entering new seasons, but often wanting more information before I allow myself to relax.

Looking at to question of trusting God and the results or impact it could have. First thing that comes to mind is this feels too hard to answer. I keep thinking on it and I don't know if I fully trust God, heartbreaking to say. I don't know what that looks like to fully Trust him.

Sometimes people say that I need to give it to Him and things will get better, but I try and I don't know how to actually do it. I'll ask Him to take it but I think I still keep trying to take the reins back. I don't know how to do this in real life and not theory.

If I could give up control and trust Him, which comes first? Trusting Him to help me give up control, giving up control to help me trust Him? Is it's simultaneous? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I don't even know but I definitely would like to stop trying to prove my worth to other people. I know He sets my worth but I don't know how to take that from concept, or knowing it to be fact and actually implementing it.

Now thinking on how I answered that if I really did. What stands out to me is that I didn't actually answer my question with "I'd stop worrying about my job" or "I'd stop worrying about finding a husband."

You answered it with: "I would stop trying to prove my worth to other people."

I think that's important.

In my reflections and in my dreams I often find I carry a lot of responsibility. And underneath that responsibility is a quiet question of "Am I valuable if I don't fix it?"

Which honestly is a harder question.

As for trusting God, maybe trust doesn't start with "letting go."

People say that all the time but it's vague.

If I had to guess I would say trust starts much smaller.

Maybe instead of "God I give you my whole entire future." Maybe it's "God, I don't know if this job is right. But I'm going to do today's work faithfully and trust You with the outcome."

Instead of, "God, I trust you completely" it looks like "God, I don't know how to trust You completely. Please teach me."

That's still trust.

You don't generally do well learning to swim by just being tossed into the ocean. They learn by putting one foot into the water.

And a lot of my reflection and dreams, I also find I'm searching for things and people.

But over and over, I normally find that what I'm looking for was already nearby.

The room exists. The people are already there. The future husband appears. The crowd is full of familiar faces.

I wonder if part of the lesson isn't: "Stop trying so hard to earn what God is trying to show you."

Because worth is strange. You can prove competence. You can prove intelligence. You can prove usefulness. But worth isn't proved. Worth is received. And I think that's why the question feels so difficult.

I know the theology. I already know God values me. The struggle isn't understanding it. The struggle is believing that I am still valuable on a day when I get frustrated, the job is hard, I feel lonely, I want connection but it's not there, or even when I don't have an answer.

I need to believe that I am loved even when I'm not being useful.

The Gift of Money: Money is a tool, not a measure of self-worth or a source of genuine happiness. Learn the value of a dollar, experience what it feels like to have nothing, and figure out how to manage scarce resources to survive.

The Gift of Friendship: True friendship is unconditional and cannot be bought.

The Gift of Learning: Education is a lifelong pursuit driven by curiosity, not just a certificate or a box to check. Learn to appreciate the value of books, knowledge, and open-mindedness. Realize that a lack of education or understanding closes doors to fully experiencing the world.

The Gift of Problems: Hardships are not just obstacles; they are opportunities to grow, develop resilience, and build character. Avoiding pain prevents growth, and coping with life's inevitable problems is what makes a person strong.

The Gift of Family: True family is bound by love, support, and shared values, not just genetic ties or financial dependency. Re-evaluate what a supportive family looks like, shifting from toxic dependency to deep, meaningful relationships.

The Gift of Laughter: Humility and humor are essential survival tools for the soul. Stop taking self-importance so seriously, discover how to laugh at yourself and find joy even in simple, difficult, or unexpected circumstances.

The Gift of Dreams: A life without a personal vision or passion is empty. Uuncover your own authentic dreams for the future, distinct from the expectations of society and family or the hollow pursuits of the past.

The Gift of Giving: The only way to truly get more out of life is to give part of yourself away.

The Gift of Gratitude: Happiness comes from appreciating what you do have, rather than obsessing over what you lack. Learns to actively practice being thankful for the simple blessings of life like health, a sunny day, or a good meal, which reframes your entire perspective on life.

The Gift of a Day: Time is our most precious, non-renewable resource, and each day should be lived intentionally. Forced yourself to confront the finality of life, learning to plan and appreciate a single, perfect day as if it were your last, focusing entirely on what truly matters.

The Gift of Love:

Love is the ultimate driving force of a meaningful existence, binding all the other gifts together. As the culmination of your journey, you must integrates all the gifts/ experiences to love others deeply and unconditionally, transforming from a selfish cynic into a compassionate, empathetic leader.

I feel like a starved lioness. It’s as if the desert is hot and dry, and he is the last drop of water. My skin is itching to be touched, and my mind keeps wandering to illicit places. I hate it. I feel like I should just avoid men altogether because I’m afraid I might lead them on and hurt them. I crave lips on mine, on my neck and firm hands holding me, but there is another part of me that is scared out of my mind. I feel like I am a danger to myself and to men. I'm afraid of not being able to trust myself around men or with my heart.

I don’t want sex before marriage. I want intimacy, physical, intellectual, and spiritual. But every time I get close, I run. I flee not even because the relationship itself is getting too serious, but because I feel like anything beyond flirting could lead to deep physical intimacy, and I panic and pull myself back. I am on a teeter-totter, constantly bouncing between polar extremes. One moment I want to maul a man with my lips, and the next I want to slam on the brakes and run. I am scared of myself. I know I can turn on the charm; it comes easily and without trying, and it feels good in a bad way, or vice versa. My mind is waging war with me.

The Trainer at Work

Then there is this guy at work. I can’t explain it, but I think I get overly attracted to a person's mind, how knowledgeable they are, how passionate they are, and how easy they are to be around. He is all of those things. He is my trainer. He is so knowledgeable, patient, and helps me understand things, and for some reason, that is just so hot. I keep getting distracted when I hear his voice and I tell myself not to dress up for him but I want his eyes on me.

He is also oddly a type of guy I had a crushon in the early 00s (the aesthetic then was yummy which I shouldn’t have noticed that young). He has this skater look. The kind with a normal t-shirt and a plaid button down over it but open. The kind of guy that wares Vans and DCs. I’m not normally a tattoo person, but he has them everywhere. I thought that would be a problem for me as I feel sad when someone's skin has been covered over, like I lost something but he had these before I knew him. They are him. Honestly, I find I’m not even really looking at his appearance that much despite my description; it's more about his character, mixed with a small amount of physical attraction, but it’s making him hotter by the day. The more he speaks the more I am drawn in like a moth. He can have my sings. I don’t need them if he carries me with him. Oh that thought is stupid but it still lingers.

Wrestling with the Truth

However, I’ve already had conversations with myself and with God. I know there is some legitimate attraction there, but I think it’s mostly that I feel disconnected, tired, craving connection, struggling with hope, and wanting to feel desired. Back when I was trying to talk myself out of jumping this man, I realized we are not compatible and worse. I found out he is dating someone. That normally is an instant wall. Its normally a no go zone. I always shut off my feelings when I find a guy is taken but this time my mind still was hooked and I hate that. Luckily I still haven't done anything but if I let my mind wonder I might and it is just as bad to think it. He doesn't have a relationship with God, he doesn’t have a growth path with God. I am not looking for perfect. I am not perfect. I struggle, all Christians do in their own way but I desire a man who can walk with me and help me grow with God. I want to be accountable and I want him to be too. I think

this man is just the first taste of a good man, someone with qualities I actually like, that I have met in my adult life, and that might be confusing things. At the end of the day, I know he doesn't live the same lifestyle or

hold the same values as me and it doesn’t make him any less but it means I need to aim my heart differently. The physical piece doesn't matter; I need more substance and my heart needs to be centered with God. I need to bring these things to Him more instead of letting the enemy shame me into closing off from God. That’s really what hell is, being apart from God.

Moving Forward I know that avoiding men entirely would probably just reinforce the idea that I'm not worthy or safe to date.

Honestly, I think I just need to:

Spend more time with God and true friends and dive deeper into my closest friendships.

Join a church small group, even if I am not totally into the main church right now. Be around both men and women in community settings, allowing myself to be known more.

Doing these things doesn’t require a boyfriend. But when I do find one, I know exactly what I need: someone with a shared faith, who treats people well, is patient, is knowledgeable in whatever he likes, makes me feel safe, and where there is a genuine, general attraction. I need to date from a place of curiosity, not this desperation.

With my coworker, I think the longing is bigger than the man himself. I don’t know what genuine closeness looks like yet. I don’t need to jump straight from loneliness to romance. I need to learn how to let people see the real me, the one who feels lonely, doubts, and is scared of being seen. The very qualities that attract me to him are his presence, his steadiness, and his willingness to teach and learn. He makes people feel comfortable, and those are the exact same qualities that make a healthy friendship possible. And maybe someday a romantic relation that can build off that friendship.

However this is a real moment of struggle for me. Christians have them too and I think people just see Christians and think they are goodie goodie and a professor once told me he doesn’t want to feel guilty. I feel for him but understand he is looking at it from a bad place. I don’t feel bad because of God, when I bring it to Him and make it right with Him, I always feel better and He works with me. Think back with Peter and Judas. Peter denied Jesus, rejected him three times and later he had an opportunity to tell Jesus he loved him three times, to accept him. He came to God with love and repentance. Judas, some think he did in his own why but it wasn’t in the right way, the way that matters. He didn’t deny himself and walk the walk with Jesus and that’s part of what made the difference. Peter's restoration didn't happen because he was perfect; it happened because he didn't let his shame isolate him from Jesus. He stayed close enough to be corrected and loved. I am bringing this to the Lord, but I also want people to see that Christians are flawed people. God loves us even when we fall but we need to get back up and be right with Him.

My mind forgot the second person existed while on this call as he's unreliable and inefficient and I was annoyed that it seemed like the customer was mad at the first guy.

He told me he was annoyed that I answered the phone first time he called but that he tried to get ahold of our technfor three days. I apologized and let him know he's in the field and doesn't always have access to his phone but he responds to all voicemails and for now, I could help him and or relay the information and have the tech get back to him. He didn't give me a shot and kept throwing blades at me and my tech.

Once he hung up on me after yelling. As the above was all I got the opportunity to say in between his not so professional tantrum, I got annoyed and mumbled to myself (as I do all day) but this time a bit annoyed, "Gosh, I get it, eat a cookie already."

Lol, I love that I can talk to myself and make myself laugh even if it's only funny to me. It's important to laugh a lot in life.

Then I remembered I have another tech and boy causes problems all the time and I also got annoyed on the customers behalf but whatever, why be made over something that won't matter five minutes from now.

But better believe I normally after hearing that he's ghosting the customer, cc the customer on an email to him letting him know they have been trying to reach them. As even if I reach out to him separately, when I check back with the customer, they say he still hasn't reached out. It's the only way to get him to respond.

It's dumb the company knows he does this and still lets him hurt our name and customer trust.

I'm for sure not perfect and clearly got annoyed after the call but dang. Do better.

I've been struggling with doing things I know I shouldn't. And because of that, I have been avoiding someone important. This person has always been there for me, picks me up when I'm broken and shelters me from storms. This person has my best interest at mind always and never leaves, even if I wander away.

It's not a eureka moment.

I was born to a family that was in the middle of crisis. My mom was also older and I was a bit younger than my siblings. A lot of the time if I didn't understand something, my family would just do it for me. They did t have time to teach me and I didn't pick up quickly. Over time I learned a few things 1) I'm not capable of doing it on my own. 2) I'm slow to learn. 3) Asking questions makes me feel stupid based on how people react. 4) If I pretend to suck, people will do it for me so why try. These are just some bad things I learned and many of which are lies. I kept telling myself I was stupid and slow. And guess what? When you tell yourself something, even if it's a lie, you often believe it yourself over time. It can become your reality.

In school. I did need more time to get a concept and often got left behind. When I realized my hand I felt dumb as no one else didn't get it (or so I assumed). Sometimes the kids would groan or the teacher was visibly exhausted or whated to move on so they can get through the certain amount of curriculum that needed could get through. Until a lot of times I just stopped asking questions.

As I got older I did start asking more questions and I was okay sometimes feeling stupid so that I could at least get the answer if I needed it but a lot of times even in conversations with people they might bring something up and I have no idea what it is but I just not a long or pretend like I know what it is and sometimes I don't even look it up afterwards.

And to be honest I'm tired of just bobbing my head along, pretending I know stuff. And guaranteed it was awesome to be able to understand what a teacher wanted on an essay and give it to them, got to get some good grades despite my grammar, but I also was aware that it was kind of manipulative and that it wasn't helping me grow it was actually deterring me from growing.

And when you know as a fully grown adult we ended up losing our home and I had to leave my family for a bit and while I was out in the real world there was a lot of stuff I didn't know. There are things I didn't know how to do that I should buy now, and there are things that I should probably already know. And so for a while I felt self-conscious about being so far behind and so I stopped asking questions for a while. And I still struggle with it to this day, but I've been finding that when I was younger I was so much more creative. And I think feeling stupid and letting people do things for me I set myself back.

And I'm a fully grown adult I have to take responsibility this is not just a parent's fault, this is not just the school system, me outside of those systems is still falling into these traps.

And I was talking to my friend the other day and she was writing a book for kids. She was also illustrating and she wasn't much of a artist before. But she kept trying and she was getting better and better and she was learning more skills as she went along with watercoloring and working with facial expressions. These are things that were really hard for her and I've been watching her suddenly grow and she's been showing me her progress along the way.

And we had a discussion about it where a lot of times people only show the beginning and the end they don't show the progress along the way but that's the important part that's the pulp. Those are the moments where you grow and you learn and you develop skills.

And I like this article that I was reading because it's very much true I mean it did sound very sciencey in the beginning which was kind of annoying, but a lot of the tips that he shared are very much accurate and I totally agree with and their things that I want to do more regularly. I've been trying to read more and explore things that aren't something that's natural for me. And we all know we can use some sleep. And those are only some tips but I really think the way we talk to ourselves and the things that we allow in from other people whether it's something we perceive or something that they actually say to us and meant, should be filtered through before we cement it.

I may not be a super genius but I'm smart enough to get by and I can grow in both intelligence and creativity it's just a skill that I need to learn by practicing and exploring and being willing to go through hard moments.

I think a lot of times as a little kid and even still sometimes now I don't push through the barriers I hit the wall a few times move left or right and I think that that's enough and I just give up but I never really fully keep pushing and go through those hard moments and I think some of those build us even better.

It's not a eureka moment.

I was born to a family that was in the middle of crisis. My mom was also older and I was a bit younger than my siblings. A lot of the time if I didn't understand something, my family would just do it for me. They did t have time to teach me and I didn't pick up quickly. Over time I learned a few things 1) I'm not capable of doing it on my own. 2) I'm slow to learn. 3) Asking questions makes me feel stupid based on how people react. 4) If I pretend to suck, people will do it for me so why try. These are just some bad things I learned and many of which are lies. I kept telling myself I was stupid and slow. And guess what? When you tell yourself something, even if it's a lie, you often believe it yourself over time. It can become your reality.

In school. I did need more time to get a concept and often got left behind. When I realized my hand I felt dumb as no one else didn't get it (or so I assumed). Sometimes the kids would groan or the teacher was visibly exhausted or whated to move on so they can get through the certain amount of curriculum that needed could get through. Until a lot of times I just stopped asking questions.

As I got older I did start asking more questions and I was okay sometimes feeling stupid so that I could at least get the answer if I needed it but a lot of times even in conversations with people they might bring something up and I have no idea what it is but I just not a long or pretend like I know what it is and sometimes I don't even look it up afterwards.

And to be honest I'm tired of just bobbing my head along, pretending I know stuff. And guaranteed it was awesome to be able to understand what a teacher wanted on an essay and give it to them, got to get some good grades despite my grammar, but I also was aware that it was kind of manipulative and that it wasn't helping me grow it was actually deterring me from growing.

And when you know as a fully grown adult we ended up losing our home and I had to leave my family for a bit and while I was out in the real world there was a lot of stuff I didn't know. There are things I didn't know how to do that I should buy now, and there are things that I should probably already know. And so for a while I felt self-conscious about being so far behind and so I stopped asking questions for a while. And I still struggle with it to this day, but I've been finding that when I was younger I was so much more creative. And I think feeling stupid and letting people do things for me I set myself back.

And I'm a fully grown adult I have to take responsibility this is not just a parent's fault, this is not just the school system, me outside of those systems is still falling into these traps.

And I was talking to my friend the other day and she was writing a book for kids. She was also illustrating and she wasn't much of a artist before. But she kept trying and she was getting better and better and she was learning more skills as she went along with watercoloring and working with facial expressions. These are things that were really hard for her and I've been watching her suddenly grow and she's been showing me her progress along the way.

And we had a discussion about it where a lot of times people only show the beginning and the end they don't show the progress along the way but that's the important part that's the pulp. Those are the moments where you grow and you learn and you develop skills.

And I like this article that I was reading because it's very much true I mean it did sound very sciencey in the beginning which was kind of annoying, but a lot of the tips that he shared are very much accurate and I totally agree with and their things that I want to do more regularly. I've been trying to read more and explore things that aren't something that's natural for me. And we all know we can use some sleep. And those are only some tips but I really think the way we talk to ourselves and the things that we allow in from other people whether it's something we perceive or something that they actually say to us and meant, should be filtered through before we cement it.

I may not be a super genius but I'm smart enough to get by and I can grow in both intelligence and creativity it's just a skill that I need to learn by practicing and exploring and being willing to go through hard moments.

I think a lot of times as a little kid and even still sometimes now I don't push through the barriers I hit the wall a few times move left or right and I think that that's enough and I just give up but I never really fully keep pushing and go through those hard moments and I think some of those build us even better.

I witnessed today a mouse run from under my front door to my TV. I had a bunch of un wed and wed so ks I was going through and scooted them to the side so I could do other things. The mouse is either in my sock bag or somewhere near my TV I don't know where it came from but either way it is in my place.

I've never actually seen a live mouse before and I'm not looking forward to becoming a killer of mice. I did put out a mousetrap. It's one of those sticky ones. It seems kind of cruel and I hope if he does get stuck. I can somehow manage to pick him up and take him out somewhere where I can unstick him but I know that that's not likely.

- Leonora DeMarco, Mr. Wonderful

It's true. Sometimes we think that there has to be a purpose to everything that you do; and may be some level it does. But it doesn't necessarily need to lead for something physical.

I started learning a new language and language is very hard for me. And I have a habit of giving up and counting myself out. And people kept asking me why I chose that particular language. Everybody else liked the music or the culture or wanted to visit and honestly, none of those seemed right for me.

I think on some level I wanted to prove to myself that I'm capable and can someday be consistent. And now that I've done two years of the studying and I'm still not quite there. I did put it on hold for a while. I'm on the past I think that that would look like defeat for me. I think this was a good way of God telling me that not everything works on the world's time. God has his own timing for things. I definitely met some good people through this experience. And it doesn't mean I'm done. I can take however long I want. I can put into it as much as I want.

And maybe me learning this language never leads to a job using that language or me traveling to a country that speaks that language. Maybe some things are just for us. Maybe some things just don't have a cord tied to the end of it. Maybe it doesn't have a cord that leads back to anything worldly quantifiable.

For context, I work in customer service for a medical company, so basically I just place orders all day and track things that the customer can track on our website if they tried. And our company keeps long hours. Instead of the typical 9-5 or even 8-5. We are open 7 to 7.

That being said, my unfortunate coworker who joined last out of the group, has been forced to work "the late shift". And on many occasions I have covered for her when she needed to go, because I know how sucky that can be.

However, she is going to be out for 2 weeks. And they were looking for coverage. And like I said I'm normally the one that covers for her. Rarely is there anybody else that covers. Now we have two salary employees. We have two senior reps, and we have a lead, which is above the seniors. And we have voicemail/never get more than 2 calls after 5 if that. None of them ever offer to cover or close up early/put the voicemail on.

And we just got an email that said "if we don't get offers, I will start assigning people to cover her hours."

And that was my exact face.

Because I know I'm going to be the one that's assigned to this and this is a job for money.nI am there when I say I will be. I have a life outside of work and I also have plans. Plus, I also don't have kids keeping me from leaving and I'm single like that one sock that's missing it's pair in my dryer right now.

But your girl has a side job too, because they barely pay me any money. I go from this to another job most days of the week.

And this feels like a crime. Like forced labor.

-A.E.S.R