The camera came uncomfortably close to the face of a man ignoring it. He was very good at it. He was reading a book about, of all things, the history of denim. It was not the sort of book that made it easy to ignore cameras, but he remained stoic.
The caption said helpfully: [been doing this for 30 mins]
āBruce. Bruce. Bruce. We need to go Walmart. Bruce. I need it.ā
āItās a surprise for Alfred.ā
āYou canāt surprise Alfred.ā
āItās not a matter of permission, Iām saying you literally canāt surprise Alfred.ā
[he hates when i say that]
Bruce finally set down his book with an expression of the most profound disgust.
[oh no now weāll be here all day]
āāeither curse or donāt, just commit one way or the other instead ofāā
The camera took its time panning over a black BMW.
[after this he took away my music privileges]
Bruce was driving, looking stoic again. His face lent itself well to stoicism. The radio played, at high volume, āSandstormā by Darude.
āIāll play something different this time.ā
āYou had your chance and you blew it on a meme.ā
[SJGJDH;FUKC ššš]
āHi, bored,ā Bruce said, eyes still on the road, and Tim groaned loudly. āI donāt give a shit.ā
The view shifted and audio clattered as Tim dropped the phone, barking a laugh.
The phone was wobbly as Tim followed Bruce into the store. āCan I get a trampoline?ā he asked, camera pointed to one outside the store.
āWe have three trampolines.ā
āBut I want that one.ā
They were in the chip aisle. āHave you ever had a Dorito? One Dorito? In your whole life?ā
āI am a person. I eat food for people.ā
The camera followed a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos into the cart.
āWeāre not getting those.ā
āWe need to get sour cream, too.ā
Tim had put the seatbelt of the cartās seat, intended for toddlers, around a giant plastic jar of orange cheese puffs.
āI thought you were getting something for Alfred.ā
āIām getting groceries while weāre here.ā
āNone of this is food.ā
[$3 pickles blowing his mind rn]
Bruce was holding a gallon jar of pickles with an expression of incredulity.
āācosts extra to not waste food?ā
āEven taking into account the economies of scaleāā
[putting his degree to use in the pickle aisle]
āāit just makes no sense even as a loss leader, unless the goal is to drive the competition out of business and hope they donāt go bankrupt in theāā
[i think heās buying a pickle company??]
Bruce had every appearance of furiously texting on his phone, or possibly composing emails.
Bruce was now on his phone, looking impassive as ever as he contemplated the giant jar of pickles.
āāthe business itself is perfectly sound. Yes. Obviously. Dead serious. Look, if youāā
Tim put a gallon jug of ranch dressing into the cart.
Tim was in the frozen section, his reflection visible in the glass.
āI bet Alfred would love some pizza rolls.ā
āYour lies demean us both, Tim.ā
Bruce was standing in the toy aisle, rubbing the bridge of his nose. āI understand the concept of blind boxes perfectly well, thank you.ā
āThen why are you acting confused?ā
āWhy does Thomas the Tank Engineāā
Bruce was making a face of disgruntled bafflement at a display of baby clothes.
āādisturbed by the amount of aggressive heterosexuality being foisted on these babies.ā
āYeah,ā Tim agreed. āWhat about the gay babies?ā
āI canāt tell if youāre joking but Iām unironically concerned.ā
The camera panned over a display of hero-themed hats. Most of the Batman hats had sold out, while the Superman display was nearly full. It panned back to Bruce, who was taking a picture with his own phone.
āWho you texting it to?ā
āFriend in Metropolis.ā
The camera peered out slowly from behind a clothing display. Bruce was surrounded by enthusiastic and friendly women. It was impossible to tell what they were talking about.
Bruce was holding a dress up against himself. The women around him seemed delighted and were nodding their approval.
[iāll strike while heās distracted]
Tim dropped another two four-movie collections of Shrek on top of the considerable pile heād already amassed. He panned up to check that Bruce had not caught him before grabbing another.
While Bruce put DVDs back on the shelf, Tim surreptitiously grabbed a Shrek coloring book.
[heās gonna get a fish]
Bruce was frowning at the wall of fishtanks in silence. Finally he said, āThese fish are very unhealthy.ā
[HEāS BUYING ALL THE FISH]
The man attempting to help Bruce looked baffled. Bruce gestured to the entire display of fish with a nod. The man shook his head. Tim brought his phone close to a betta, blue and red with a tattered and graying tail.
āWeāre here to save you,ā Tim stage-whispered to it.
Bruce was now engrossed in conversation with multiple employees.
āāif I bought some tanks ā theyāre much too small but as a temporary measure ā we could transfer them directly and it might be less distressing for the fish.ā
āMaybe I could get one of the big dolly carts from the back?ā one young man suggested.
The low camera angle suggested Tim was trying to be surreptitious.
āāfor trying to unionize is completely against the law,ā Bruce was saying, his voice low. He was helping three other employees transfer fish into large plastic tanks.
āAt-will employment,ā one woman said.
āWeād have to prove that was why they fired us,ā someone clarified. āOtherwise they can say it was for no reason.ā
āYouāre shitting me.ā
āāfucking with my hours hoping Iāll quit.ā
āIf they fired me, theyād have to pay unemployment.ā
āThatās why they wonāt let me work full-time.ā
[omg heās stealing the employees now]
āāin Gotham, but thereās more opportunities outside of manufacturing if youāre willing to move.ā
āWait, so do you mean like for management?ā
āNo, no, thatās the starting wage for someone working assembly, quality control, that kind of thing. Weāre all unionized, none of this at-will bullshit.ā
The woman from earlier was showing Bruce her phone while the others continued moving fish.
āYou painted this?ā Bruce asked. She nodded. āThatās fantastic. Are you showing it anywhere? I know a guy with a gallery ā actually I know pretty much everyone with an art gallery in Gotham. I think I have a friend whoād really love this, if you donāt mind me making some calls for you.ā
Four more employees had joined the menagerie.
āāalmost always hiring in Gotham. People are always moving to cities with fewer evil clowns.ā Everyone laughed. Tim snorted. āEmployee insurance totally covers acts of supervillainy, though.ā
[trying to crush the revolution]
The employees had not dispersed. In the distance, someone managerial was talking to Bruce. He looked much less amused than Bruce did.
Tim had switched to the selfie camera, his face pure glee. He turned bodily to show the employees wheeling out tanks of fish out of the store, police lights in the parking lot.
āThe manager tried to make Bruce leave but he insisted on paying for his fish and he wouldnāt stop giving people better jobs so the guy said it was corporate espionage and threatened to call the cops and Bruce called his bluff so he did it.ā
[WEāRE BANNED FROM WALMART FOREVER]
Bruce was laughing with the police officers about something. The manager from earlier had been joined by men in suits. None of them looked happy. Some of the employees from earlier were yelling and flipping them off. One man pulled off the shirt of his uniform and started setting it on fire.
Bruce was on the phone in the parking lot.
āTheyāre small, most of them are tropical. You can figure out what they are when you get here. How is that racist? Iām not suggesting you already know them, Iām well aware you donāt personally know every single fishāā
āEither you take these fish or I toss them in the sewer and Killer Croc can eat them. It will be a merciful death compared to what they were getting. It doesnāt matter where I found them.ā
[iām not allowed near toxic waste]
Tim held the betta from earlier in front of his phone, bringing it dangerously close to Bruceās face. Bruce had hung up, but seemed to be dialing another number.
āIām keeping this one,ā Tim said.
āIf I drop him in toxic waste do you think heāll get powers?ā
āWeāve already had this discussion.ā
[the pettiest man in gotham]
Bruce was on the phone again, looking out at the empty field beside the Walmart parking lot.
āYeah, just buy the whole thing. Yeah. Absolutely sure. Green Marketās doing good, weāll build another one of those. Can we put up a billboard while itās under construction? A really big billboard.ā
āFirst of all, if itās in writing, itās libel. Second, figures taken directly from their report to shareholders arenāt defamatory. Whatās the most they could even sue me for? See, thatās nothing. Bad PR for them, good for us, it'sāā
Tim had switched to the selfie camera again, and was using a sparkling purple filter that made his eyes look huge. He backed into Bruce so that Bruceās face would be in the shot. āBruce, look! Youāre a pretty pretty princess!ā
Bruce raised an eyebrow as he looked at his face on the screen. āIām always a pretty princess,ā he said seriously.
[he picked the music this time]
Bruce was driving again. He was listening to 100 Little Curses without any apparent irony. This did not mean there wasnāt any irony.
The Walmart betta was now in a tank that held at least a hundred gallons. His underwater castle was resplendent. His tail had grown in, a shimmering gradient of red and blue. Bruce could be seen in the background through the tank, sitting on the couch and reading a book.
yousharknotpass
origamiaround
areudirty
ellievsbear
amandla
