s u r v i v e

my heart’s breaking, every time i see those sweet words, uttered all for her; wishing so dearly they were for me. i’m not even sure if my heart has a right to be breaking at all. neon pink lights and bitten pink lips, that’s all we ever were. so who the fuck am i to be acting like this? to be shedding these tears to these sad love songs, all for you.

Do you ever wonder, maybe lonely souls aren’t meant to shine? That they’re only meant to merge with this universe because that’s where they truly belong?

neon pink lights, bitten pink lips; you’re so soft and sinful and simple…uncannily so. whether we’re kissing under the moonlight or smoking together on those dingy stairs, nothing is a game with you; i get exactly what’s on the surface. see dealing with toxic things is what i’ve perfected, but you? darling you are something else; you’re what my glittery pink dreams were made of. a sassy companion, a friendly foe, all rolled into one sweet, soft pink candy.

this year has been one of the most exhausting years of my life as well as an intense mental/emotional roller coaster. reading your posts makes me feel slightly better. thank you.

I don’t think of you as often as I used to, don’t let myself cry over you as often, don’t see the ghosts of you in the crowds as often; But some days, months apart from each other, I still do. God….to think I couldn’t imagine a future that you weren’t a part of once upon a time. And despite the fact that I survived just fine with this gaping hole in my heart, despite the fact that I laughed, cried and made new memories with this pain crawling under my skin, its still on the tip of my tongue; “I still love him” I could move across the ocean or across the universe itself and it would still be there, right underneath the surface.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever wonder where we are or how we are doing. I wonder if you know if you think of the times we spent, the things we saw you through, the words you said. I wonder if you wonder like I do. I wonder if you remember what I look like. I wonder if you remember what you looked like when you weren’t this hollow shell. I wonder if you even remember who you are anymore.

You're a beautiful person. Have a nice night. :)

Not an ask, just wanted to say thank you for your Tumblr 💛 it's helped me through a bunch of stuff

Daily reminder:  You are allowed to feel the pain; the wound is still fresh in your mind. Allow yourself to feel the anger, the heartache, the hopelessness, the anxiety, the sting of broken trust, the resentment, the pure hatred.  Feel it all and feel it fiercely. Feel that shit and when the time comes, let it all fucking go. Let it go and set yourself free

I have always regretted not recognising toxic symptoms before they manifested into emotional abuse, I always thought that things would be drastically different if I had just been able to see the reality on time. But last night, even with my heart wanting to burst out of my chest and my lungs wanting to collapse, I recognised it, that tone of desperation coupled with manipulation, their need of validation surpassing any thoughts of my well-being. I recognised a symptom, shouldn’t things be drastically different now? The reality though, is that the aftermath was just as lonely as before, it still felt like salt water burning my lungs from the inside, it still made me question every single person’s loyalty to me, it still made me feel like I deserve this, like I don’t deserve to be a person but just a toy to play with, just a thing to fulfil someone’s need of validation, to be their scapegoat. So I’m left to wonder, what the fuck is the point anyway?

22 years old, alive and breathing, bones and blood, but I’m an empty vessel for my hurting heart. My mind is always stuck in the past. My soul is always reliving a memory. I say I’ve moved on, grown up, let it go, forgotten all about it, but truth to be told I’m always stuck in history. There are these moments that have clung onto me so desperately that I can’t move past them, these instances that have left me so devastated I’ve lost pieces of my being to them; hollow body, fruitless tears, desolate mind. I’m here now, but my mind is always stuck in that bedroom, on that bed, under those covers. I live my life reliving that violation of trust. I’m here now, but my mind is always on that rooftop, realising my father chose his family over his little girl. I live my life reliving that betrayal. I’m here now, but my mind is always on that swing at 3am, promises of forever turning to ashes in that warm summer night. I live my life reliving that heartbreak. My body may be here, but my soul is lost somewhere in the past; still shaping me up to this day.

This account is so amazing idk how you can write so poetically about my own struggles, thank you.

I’ve dreamt about you just once. It was the warmest I have ever felt in my sleep. It was that same comforting sensation of drinking hot cocoa on a cold night. I’ve dreamt about him countless times – the one who was my one and only. And in those dreams everything was always perfect; except for the lack of your warmth

You think you have overcome your past; that you’re never going to let it affect you again; that you’ve crossed the pitch black tunnel and the light of day is almost there. You think you’re invincible for not going back to old unhealthy coping mechanisms that cut right through your skin. You think you’ve won.  You start to truly believe that you’re going to be okay and all it takes is one trigger from when you were 11 years to break you.