the bastard

me: ok but are u aware that i am a massive fucking disappointment

Morrowind

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     What was usually a cocky smile painted onto Drelayn's face had drooped down, morphing into something that wasn't quite sad, but wasn't quite happy. It was wistful, nostalgic of kick-ball games outside the cantons, the game ending when the filled guar stomach either landed in the canal or hit an Ordinator, causing him to confiscate the ball and lecture the group.

     On that fateful day in 4E 5, Drelayn was in a skooma den in a cave outside Bruma. He could feel the blast from even inside the dank cave, the rumbling sending him on his ass, the thin rugs covering the damp floor cushioning his fall. It wasn't until the rumor mill, and after that the actual news got to him that he knew that his hometown was now a boiling crater in the middle of the Inner Sea.

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     " Other than my existence ?? He's a good man,          and he took me in when I needed it, but I swear          that he regrets it every day. "

remember, look for things that you can touch. ground yourself.

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     Drelayn recognized the other elf's accent. They were from Vivec, just as he was. Small world, especially if the city didn't exist anymore. If the stories were correct. Absentmindedly, he wondered if his parents were still alive, or if his mother had stolen away back to Omani Manor and his father had returned to Cyrodiil after he was banished. In all reality, he didn't care. They were dead to him.

Resting beside them was a satchel, a long-necked lute of sorts, and a vibrant green-glass spear. Between deep pulls of warm liquid, they would close their eyes, silently willing themselves into consciousness for the day.

     The half-breed, at the least, had the brains to keep that last part quite until Ongar slammed the door shut. He spun around in his bar stool, nearly hitting the white-haired elf sitting next to him, and signaling for a drink.

❝ A terrible thing happened!❞ ❝ This would be easier if I could understand you better. ❞ ❝ I’m about to make it worse.❞ ❝ Oh joy. Now my mother can get that kidney operation she so desperately needs.❞ ❝ This stays strictly among the Fable community.❞ ❝ Lay one hand on me, asshole, and you’ll regret it.❞ ❝ I’m taking you in.❞ ❝ Never discuss personal hygiene with a bridge troll.❞ ❝ You’ve occasionally been clever, _____ … but never smart.❞ ❝ You’re getting a bit nosy, mister/miss/misses ______❞ ❝ If you can’t maintain a normal human appearance or purchase a concealing Glamour from one of our witches our rules mandate that you be relocated upstate to the Farm, where all the other nonhuman Fables live.❞ ❝ Both of you shut up and let me work. ❞ ❝ This is abuse of authority! And I got a witness! ❞ ❝ Does it matter?❞ ❝ We have to make as best we can.❞ ❝ Is he/she the one?❞ ❝ If she/he opens her/his mouth again, pick her/him up and carry her/him home.❞ ❝ I can’t help but notice things. I believe that’s why you hired me,❞ ❝ I’m not much interested in what you think is and isn’t a good idea. ❞ ❝ You look out of breath, ____. Been climbing beanstalks again? ❞ ❝ I’m afraid this time it’s different, I understand there’s blood. Lots if it.❞ ❝ Did you run all the way over here just to trade verbal barbs,or is there something else you need? ❞ ❝ Don’t be so dramatic. I already know. My ex is back in town.❞ ❝ We’ll see.❞ ❝ Can’t you go faster? ❞ ❝ Damned right I want to know. I’m going with you❞ ❝ You power-mad fuckshit!❞ ❝ Fine. I get the message. I’ll keep quiet – for now.❞  ❝ I take it back. You’re still a monster through and through.❞ ❝ It looks that way.❞ ❝ Hide your wallet first.❞ ❝ I won’t take up too much of your time, but I have a few questions.❞ ❝ I’m bleeding you shit! Why’d you do that?❞ ❝ Is that why your handsome prince/pretty princess divorced you?❞ ❝ Get up. It’s morning. I need to go to work and you need to get out.❞ ❝ Whoever did this is one of us.❞ ❝ You make it sound like a fucking synonym for — I don’t know — a turd sandwich.❞ ❝ Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?❞ ❝ You can’t fool this nose.❞ ❝ Watch your smart mouth, sonny boy/ girlie❞ ❝ If you’re going to advance, advance like you mean it. ❞ ❝ Unlike you, I have responsibilities.❞ ❝ I thought I’d find you out here.❞ ❝ How can you be sure? ❞ ❝ Don’t you have a government to run?❞ ❝ I can’t just now.❞ ❝ Did you kill her?❞ ❝ Nothing to apologize for. I expected it to happen sooner.❞ ❝ You’ve gone dotty, sweetheart.❞ ❝ Mister/Miss/Misses _____, if you’re going to insist on calling me princess/prince, please don’t do it in that tone of voice.❞ ❝ Why don’t you tell me what you want, so I can get back to work.❞ ❝ Don’t beat up on yourself so much.❞ ❝ No, ma’am/mister. I’ve never had much of a sense of humor.❞ ❝ We’ll get around to him/her. But let’s finish up with you for now.❞ ❝ If you think that, maybe you should add me to your suspect list.❞ ❝ I apologize for the waterworks in there. That wasn’t very professional of me.❞ ❝ Thank you for coming on such short notice.❞ ❝ Why don’t you let me handle things from now on?❞ ❝ Then my money says ____ did it.❞ ❝ So what actual conclusions did you come to?❞ ❝ It’s comforting to discover your voice haven’t lost any of its venom over the years, lovey.❞ ❝ And what about the time you tried to raffle off the map to your remaining magic beans?❞ ❝ I will, if it becomes necessary. I promise. But so far that isn’t the case.❞ ❝ How dare I what? Speak rudely to a mass murderer?❞ ❝ Then you’re wasting my time and yours.❞ ❝ I don’t eat sweets.❞ ❝ I’ve had my one loss of composure. You won’t have to worry about further emotional fits from me.❞ ❝ Then quit your fucking dissembling and answer!❞ ❝ You’re always trying to beat the system, ___❞ ❝ Think about that before your next lesson.❞ ❝ The minx seduced me.❞ ❝ This shouldn’t take long.❞ ❝ Well, ain’t that a big kick in the pantalones. ❞ ❝ Feel better now?❞ ❝ I’m not a delicate flower. I can take bad news.❞ ❝ You can’t keep sneaking into the city to crash on my couch.❞ ❝ When did you get to be such a potty-mouth?❞ ❝ She/he ‘s dead – carved up like a Christmas turkey. And rumor has it that creepy boyfriend/girlfriend of hers/his did the dirty deed.❞ ❝ You are an impertinent man/woman. I demand satisfaction!❞ ❝ But she/he only dated him/her to make me jealous.❞ ❝ Not to worry. Sit down. Make yourselves at home.❞ ❝ We can have it lab tested if you like but there’s zero chance that it isn’t her/his blood.❞ ❝ What? How dare you!❞ ❝ I’m charging this pompous asswipe with ____’s murder.❞ ❝ We called ahead. Your boss is expecting us.❞ ❝ I’m leaving now, before I scream.❞ ❝ I like to come here to think – which I do best when left alone.❞ ❝ On-guard position, ____. My turn to attack now.❞ ❝ You may not have done anything this time, ___. But you are never innocent.❞ ❝ Then comes the fun part I promised. You get to make a big mess.❞ ❝ But I can’t help but wonder if you haven’t turned back to your old eating habits.❞ ❝ I’ll keep that in mind if I ever do decide to kill anyone.❞ ❝ Where did you get all that?❞ ❝ And when exactly are you planning to clue me in?❞ ❝ Oh look. After all these years, the wolf has finally shed his sheep’s clothing to once more show us the true beast underneath.❞ ❝ Oh, we don’t need to stand on formalities. Not when it’s just you and me.❞ ❝ You are a tedious, small man, and in need of more frequent bathing.❞ ❝ How dare you treat me in such fashion! ❞ ❝ Talk now and you can save yourself some pain.❞ ❝ That’s not the way we do things anymore.❞ ❝ Oh joy. Then don’t carry it that way, or you’re likely to cut your own head off.❞ ❝ Wait! Both of you! We don’t want to talk ourselves into rash actions here.❞ ❝ Machines hate me. I’m a genetic luddite, incapable of operating anything more complex than my toaster.❞ ❝ Do what you need to, but have this wrapped up by the gala.❞ ❝ Boo-fucking-hoo.❞ ❝ Has it escaped your notice I’m bleeding? I need a doctor.❞ ❝ Excuse me?❞ ❝ And don’t let the mundys catch you.❞ ❝ Get him/her, ____! He/she ‘s trying to kill me!❞ ❝ I have no idea. It came out out of the blue.❞ ❝ Good hunting, sir.❞ ❝ And what are you going to be doing while I’m doing your work for you?❞ ❝ This is the vorpal blade of Jabberwocky fame. Kills in one cut, snicker-snack and all that? Does all the fighting for you?❞ ❝It’s all very complicated and I can’t explain it yet. So just go along.❞ ❝ I was half-way hoping you’d have gone home for the night, so that I could put this off until tomorrow morning.❞ ❝ Mop, wax, scrub and paint until you return it to pristine condition.❞ ❝ Let’s all step back, take a deep breath, declare a minute’s moratorium on the chest-thumping and see if we can’t think things through a bit more rationally, okay?❞ ❝I’m content to cut at you all day and all night, until you confess❞ ❝ You can be one frustrating son of a bitch!❞ ❝ Your record’s been clean since you came to town.❞ ❝ Be my guest. I’d love to have that menace out of my life.❞ ❝ Poor baby.❞ ❝ Keep your pants on! I’m coming!❞ ❝ You need to prepare yourself for some bad news.❞ ❝ I’m sorry.❞ ❝ The only easy day was yesterday.❞ ❝ We’re coming to your rescue.❞ ❝ Don’t put ideas in his head!❞ ❝ What are you talking about?❞ ❝ We both know you’re too much of a narcissistic asshole to ever blame yourself for any of your many failings, so did you blame her/him/_____?❞ ❝ Not a chance, boys. Hauling all this crap was just the first act. Your workday has barely begun.❞ ❝ The best mother/father any boy/girl could want.❞ ❝ Drop the knife and back away from the boy or I’ll rip your fucking throat out.❞ ❝ I need you to be in one piece for the big party next week.❞ ❝ I’ve got more bad news for the two of you.❞ ❝ Nonsense. If I were trying to kill him/her, he/she ‘d be dead now.❞ ❝ Can we go now? ❞ ❝ What do you say? Growing tired of the taste of gingerbread?❞ ❝ If I have to lay my hands on you, it won’t end until one of us is dead on the floor.❞ ❝ My hero. *sarcasm*❞ ❝ That means there’s no hope that she/he/___ is still alive.❞ ❝ Yeah, well my heart bleeds for you, you know what they say.❞ ❝ Most of us knew it was only a matter of time before you reverted to your old ways, ____. Nature cannot be denied.❞ ❝ I want something of my own. ❞ ❝ I suppose it would have been too much to expect to be born smart as well as privileged. ❞ ❝ Where do we buy the lottery tickets? ❞ ❝ Why dwell on one unfortunate incident so long ago? ❞ ❝ I imagine that will only grow worse after tonight. ❞ ❝ Both of you, quit your damned bitching and crying.  ❞ ❝ My god, are you completely devoid of social skills? ❞ ❝ I didn’t anticipate being the center of so much attention ❞ ❝ You’re about to find out exactly how much I can prove. ❞ ❝ Enjoying the party? ❞ ❝ You ought to know. You helped put it there. ❞ ❝ Don’t start. ❞ ❝ Pardon me, but you’ve suddenly grown wearisome and pedestrian. ❞ ❝ Many of us didn’t have the chance to run. ❞ ❝ Ladies and gentlemen, lift your glasses and join me, please, in drinking this toast. ❞ ❝ I want to grow up, I want my balls to drop, and I want to get laid. ❞ ❝ But maybe there’s a way for all of us to avoid that harsh necessity. ❞ ❝ But still working for a minimum wage in a ________ ❞ ❝ All sorts of things never occur to you, dear. ❞ ❝ Why go into hock to win more lost lands and another useless title? ❞ ❝ How much have we made so far? ❞ ❝ But you’ve got nothing on me– nothing you can prove, anyway. ❞ ❝ You’ve never danced before? ❞ ❝ Are you on the menu? ❞ ❝ I’m an old veteran of these affairs. ❞ ❝ There you are. Don’t you look nice. ❞ ❝ But we’re missing the party! ❞ ❝ I am most certainly not having a good time. ❞ ❝ As promised, my love. ❞ ❝ If I win, I’ll be a princess/prince in my own right. ❞ ❝ Are you going to act like this all night? ❞ ❝ It wasn’t our/my business. ❞ ❝ I finally made it. ❞ ❝ Oh my, is he your date, princess? ❞ ❝ Don’t literally watch your feet, just kindly stop stomping all over mine. ❞ ❝ Shut up, you pathetic, bleating child. ❞ ❝ Shallots? But you clearly said red onions! ❞ ❝ Perhaps women wear low necklines to filter out the gentlemen from the dogs. Those few who can still manage eye contact, even in the presence of breasts like these, might actually have some potential. ❞ ❝ You poor girl/boy ❞ ❝ And this time leave the guns, daggers and battle axes at home, please. ❞ ❝ Do you see why I needed your help? ❞ ❝ Don’t spoil the evening, darling. ❞ ❝ Oh gosh. I sure hope not. ❞ ❝ So how long do we have to do this before we eat? ❞ ❝ Gently, please. I’m not some suspect you’re about to wrestle to the ground. ❞ ❝ You look like you’re trying to peek down my dress. ❞ ❝ I was beginning to think I’d been stood up. ❞ ❝ I swear you’ve had that same scowl on your face for the past three or four hundred years. ❞ ❝ No wonder they call lotteries taxes on stupid people. ❞ ❝ Why don’t you run your own damned errands? ❞ ❝ So it’s not as if you’d suffer any embarrassment if I never showed. ❞ ❝ Everything must be coordinated to arrive at the proper time! ❞ ❝ I demand an explanation! ❞ ❝ Now, follow my lead and try to stay off my feet. ❞ ❝ We need to be out on the dance floor. ❞ ❝ No matter. You always go this thing stag, right? ❞ ❝ When did you forget how to enjoy yourself? ❞