A History Dork's Diary

I've been told that I'm "mature for my age" since I was 6, but I know that I have AuDHD and my prefrontal cortex won't be fully developed until I am 35... I have 15 more years to go.

My "listening age" on Spotify is 73 and I have osteoarthritis in my knees, but at 20 my wisdom teeth have yet to make an appearance and I had to have a part of my body surgically removed when I was 19 that should have dissolved in early adolescence.

I feel like I know much more than most people my age about certain subjects, but feel like I still haven't developed skills that my peers learned several years ago.

When I was in high school I felt that everyone around me was going through the same stuff I went through in middle school. Now that I am in college I am going through the same stuff others went through in high school.

Woman At a Mirror, Johann Culverhouse

Sure it might feel like my life is crumbling around me,

but if I light a candle I feel a little bit better.

I want to tell mothers (or any parents) that it's alright to bring your babies on tours. I don't care if they start crying. Bringing your children with you anywhere should not make you feel ashamed or embarrased. For a decent chunk of the population, having children is a part of life. For those who do not have children yet, do not want children, and have children that are grown... have some empathy.

If you are a person who breastfeeds your baby and they start crying during the tour, I will never say anything against you breastfeeding your child on the tour. If they are hungry, they are hungry. It is natural, it is a part of life--feed your child.

Parents have the most difficult job and we should be giving them constant grace and empathy, especially with the young ones.

I am not a parent, but I always feel bad when parents are embarrassed of their kids on tours. Don't be. It does not bother me at all. I have given tours to 30 kids at a time. I've never had a kid ruin a tour to the point that I think about it more than 5 minutes after the tour ends. Certain adult men, however, can do a lot more damage. The worst people I have had on tours have been adult cishet white men: never children.

It only applies when it’s not them.

It is okay to not always be the best friend. It is okay to mess up or make mistakes because of your mental health, but you still have to take responsibility for your actions and be willing to apologize for those mistakes.

I don’t understand how this is such a hard concept to grasp.

Just because you are mentally ill does not mean it’s okay to attack everyone in sight, nor does it mean everyone has to cater to you or you do not have to put any effort into anything. If you do any of those things while mentally ill, it is your job to take responsibility and make up for it.

It seems like something really easy to understand until you are the one who is going through it.

Please, just take some time to consider things from other people’s point of view. You are not the only one struggling and you are not the only one who makes mistakes because of it. A lot of us have been there. I’ve been there. But take some responsibility, please.

I gravitate towards mentally ill people. I am one myself. I am tired of being treated poorly and then when I try to talk about it with they flip out and blame me for wanting to be treated respectfully. I’m not saying i don’t understand your pain, I’m just saying that I want an apology for how I’ve been treated.

If I just push you a little more

If i just make you conform a little bit more

If i pull, and tug, and force, and shake you

Beyond your limits

Maybe I can make you more like us

Functional members of society

That provide economic value to their communities

If I just push you a little beyond your limit

While you hide your pain, discomfort, and burnout

Trying desperately to fit in

And cover up your "otherness"

Maybe I can finally make you

Normal

Maybe I can

Fix You

When I try to go off of social media for a while for my mental health, I still usually visit Pinterest. At the same time, sometimes it is Pinterest that makes me feel the worst. It makes me idolize things that seem acheivable yet are just out of arms reach.

"If I am just a *little* bit skinnier"

"If I just had a *little* bit more money"

"If I just had a *little* bit more motivation"

"If I just had that *one* craft supply"

"If I just read that *one* book"

I find those kinds of phrases bouncing around my head constantly when I scroll Pinterest, constantly making me feel like I am one step away from being enough, yet I will never be enough. Pinterest is tantalizing. It isn't showing me photos of a tan hot women bathing in infinity pools in Santorini, it's showing me a cute 20-something who is slightly more attractive than me wearing slightly better clothes in a slightly better setting.

They talk about body neutrality, about body type representation, yet I don't feel represented.

I have larger than average (but not massive) breasts, a flat butt, and I am neither skinny or large. I usually bounce between size 6 and 10 depending on the time of the year, and I feel like my shape is not represented. I find skinny people in media being represented by sizes 0-4 and midsize as 12-18. Usually when folks in media are in my size range, they are a drastically different shape than me, usually more athletic (I am a haver of chronic pain and am autistic, and don't necessarily find it easy to go to the gym)

I am tired of seeing people talk about body representation but still not seeing anyone with my body type.

Does anyone know of any influencer/celebrity/cartoon character with my body type?

The best I can guess is Kat Dennings, but she is thinner than me and more curvy.

I just want to feel like my body shape is normal. Of course, there might be something to me having dysmorphia that I fail to see my body type in anyone.