This week, has been a slow and heavy week. Β For some reason, itβs drained me! Β Iβve slept through my alarm twice this week. Β TWICE! Β And Iβve felt the exhaustion settling in like a concrete slab. Β But, even through the toughness of this week, Iβve seen these tiny (or massive) glimmers of hope that honestly have made me smile and given my soul a little (or massive!) pick-me-up.
On Monday, I had my bi-weekly therapy session with my wonderful therapist, Jennifer. Β As I walked in, she greeted me warmly as usual. Β We both sat down at our usual comfy chairs and she asked me my favorite question:Β βHow are you doing?β Β It wasnβtΒ βHow are you?β Β That just doesnβt do it for me. Β No one really expects you to unload any real feelings when youβre askedΒ βHow are you?β Β But, just by adding one more wordβone more action wordβit hits you straight at the center of your core. Β At least it does to me. Β So, when she asked me that simple 4-word question, I took a deep breath and began telling her all about the two weeks that had gone by since our last meeting. As I shared how I had actively set boundaries with people and saidΒ βNoβ to things so that I can sayΒ βYesβ to what matters, I could see it in her face. Β She was proud of me! Β As I shared my experiences of standing up for myself and being brave, she asked meΒ βDid you hear my voice in your head when you did that? Or did you hear your own voice?β Β I thought about that for a few seconds and I answered honestly. Β I saidΒ βI heard my own voice!β Β She smiled and laughed and clapped for me! Β I laughed too! She explained how at the beginning, she was the healthy voice in my life, helping me break bad habits and thinking patterns. Β And the point of meeting with her for all of these months was to finally find my voice. Β And I have! Β I really and truly have. I used to pray to God to help me go back to myΒ βold selfβ. Β But, I realize that my old self got me in trouble. Iβm perfectly happy and content with my new self. Iβve worked so hard to get to this place. Nothing in my life has been this challenging. Β And Iβm beyond proud of who I am now. In this moment.
Last night, I went to Costco to buy food for our campus Vespers. Every Friday night, we feed students and have games. Β Then, they have their Friday night service. Β They sing and discuss and laugh and eat. Β Itβs beautiful. Β I love it! Β So, back to Costco. Β I completely forgot what I was wearing. Β As I turned the corner, an older gentleman looked at me and saidΒ βBeautiful shirtβ. Β I looked down and realized I was wearing my #orlandounited shirt with a HUGE rainbow heart on the front. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said βThank you.β I walked away choking back tears and feeling a flood emotions coming in. I thought of what Orlando had been through in the last 2 weeks. Β I thought of the hurting families. Β I thought of our friend, Alejandro, the owner of the tortilleria my family frequents on a regular basis. Β He lost his son a The Pulse nightclub. Β I thought about how jovial he used to be and how the light is gone from his eyes now that his son is gone. Β I thought of the older gentleman and how sensitive and compassionate he is. I never wouldβve expected that from him. But, thatβs how amazing compassion is. Β Thatβs what suffering does. It binds us together.Β
This morning, my wonderful friend and confidant, Randy, dropped by my office. Β In the middle of our conversation, he looked at me and saidΒ βYou look GREAT! I havenβt see you look this good in a long timeβ¦maybe ever!β Β I was taken back. Β And honestly, I think heβs right. Β I think Iβve never felt this good. My life is not perfect. Itβs far from it. Β Iβm not completely put together. But, man, Iβm a warrior! And Iβm proud of every single scar, of every single tear. Β Iβm proud of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Iβm proud of my strengths and truths. Iβm proud of how far Iβve come. Iβm proud that after 2 years of suffering and pain and loss, Iβm seeing myself through different eyes. Β And Iβm thankful for friends like Randy, that always looked at me through the eyes of compassion and love and tenderness, never wanting to rush me. He was kind and patient and was always on my side!
Hope is palpable, people! Β Itβs real. Β Itβs the realest thing I know. Love may fade. Respect may be denied. Faith may be lost. But, hope? Hope is the strongest word I know. Hope comes in words from random strangers. It comes in encouragement from a therapist. It comes in hugs from friends. It comes in so many forms. Iβm overwhelmed by what hope does every single second of our lives. Maybe hope is love we have for ourselves? Regardless of where it comes from or what it is, hope has the power to carry you through the hardest dayβthe longest night. Of that Iβm 100% sure!
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