Nicolás Barraza

She found herself

On a hot July day

Walking in the woods

Pressing her hands to her own flesh

Tears at the corners of her eyelids

Saying to each and every part,

all the things I grew up with

stucco roofs

rosemary bushes

signs cautioning of dangerous snakes

an echo of childhood

long walks

loud music

headphones

turn it up to drown out

emptiness and despair

play the music to find

some sense of hope and longing

it’s all coming back

The evil one whispers,

Pain will be your sentence.

Darkness will be your inheritance.

I swim through these lies, choking and flailing

The Good One calls.

His voice is quiet, but strong and sure.

I will take care of you.

I will bless you with more than you ever dreamed.

I will give you the desires of your heart.

I will cover you under the shadow of My wings.

I will take care of every worry and fear.

I am the questions, I am the answer.

Do not fear.

How strange, how terrifying, how beautiful

That such hope and goodness and light

Could exist in a heart that also shudders

I used to think

Constantly, all the time

Words and stories and poems

Pouring and spilling

Emotions and dreams

Swirling and scribbling

I used to see the world

Colorfully, soaked in magic and meaning

But now

What am I?

What do I see?

A blue light screen

Videos and texts

Messages and pictures

Consuming, consuming

Am I alive anymore?

Am I human? An artist?

Or just a “user,” a “follower”?

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I need to find a way back.

We are driving through

Boston today

The temperature is 5 degrees Fahrenheit

Ice and snow coating every surface

The sun is bright

Passing frozen ponds and rivers

It’s freezing and chillingly bone-cold

My heart is frozen

Desperately, I crave

Heat

I need to thaw, need to start fresh

Let the sun beat down

And melt ice and snow

Let stories and poems leak out

Let ideas and dreams flow and refresh

Let my heart be lifted in prayer

Silent communion, soaked in grace

This is what I ask for

This is what I pray for

Beginning this fast,

Thank you for giving me a place I can share my art. Thank you for reading and commenting. Thank you for encouraging me and uplifting me. Thank you for letting me share my heart in these vulnerable poems.

When I write poetry, I feel alive. I feel healed, cleansed and a little more whole. Thank you for sharing that with me.

Love,

some hearts

are so heavy

they need the ocean

constantly

the vast and massive pool of healing

the soothing rhythm

the cleansing energy

some souls cling

to the respite of the beach

eyes closed to the world

ears pressed to the sand

rocking in the lullaby of the waves

my sweet love,

his heart, my most precious gem

his kisses, my lullaby, my evening song

his arms, my castle, my cave

our love, a secret place

from the restless world, a safe repose

All the false loves of the past

A joke, a travesty, an insult

It was all an illusion

Fantasy, infatuation

As I put my human heart on a platter

And said to the imposters,

It’s all yours for free.

Until last October when

He captured my heart

His eyes were honest

His words were true

And I have never tasted

Something so pure

I have never pushed myself

Through so much fear

To fight for something

That feels like

Rain in the desert,

An early morning sky to a tired heart

He is my sunrise

Fresh, brand new

He is filling my lungs with breath,

My eyes with starlight

He is my treasure,

I came back to

My old hometown

It’s been three years

Since I left

But this time,

It’s so different

Than all the others of the past

For this time I have love

five years

i lived here

it broke me open

and left me shattered

months of darkness,

broken friendships

always cracked heart

i was

naive

sucked dry

by troubled, thirsty souls

blind and willing

to give everything until i had nothing left

i was

enslaved

by my own insecurity and weakness

and i faced

death

right in the eyes

i shed tears

until my well dried

i paid the price

i paid my penance

until the Father called me

two thousand miles away

to heal and renew

Five years ago today, I witnessed a death. This is the poem I wrote that night.

I watched you die tonight.

I didn’t know you more

Than three or four sentences

Just casual words exchanged,

“What happened to the car?”

“Where would you like it towed?”

You smiled, simply, kindly

Just doing your job

Just helping out a frightened girl

On the side of a dangerous highway.

I heard the noise

I did not see the car

What was she thinking?

How could she leave you there,

Speeding off in a frantic hurry like that?

It must have been Fear, I decide.

All I remember were

The golden headlights

As I leapt in front of

Countless cars

Screaming, screaming,

“Stop! Stop!”

I pointed at your body

I did not dare to go too close.

The ambulance came.

They lit the flares.

The paramedic approached me-

“He’s passed.”

“Just five deep breaths.”

“It’s out of your control.”

And I learned tonight

You cannot buy a Life

With unceasing sobs

And helpless prayers of pleading.

So I’m left to say,

Rest now, sir,

In the arms of the One who loves you most.

I asked Him to give you

His deepest place of Love

I asked Him to care for

Your grieving family

I never got to meet your brother

Who, I overheard,

Was on his way

So all I have

Is your full name

R.L.C