toshinori yagi smiling is my lifeblood

Let me say that again. If I cannot afford to pay $230 more than the government is paying me a month, they will not give me the $300 I am owed still so I am able to pay that amount. They will not give me the money because I cannot afford to pay it without that money they are supposed to be giving me.

Because of this, my household will continue to live paycheck to paycheck. We will continue being unable to save any money, I will continue being unable to comfortably feed myself, and every emergency will threaten to bankrupt us. When disabled people talk about eugenics and enforced poverty, this is what we mean. When I said my household had made this agreement before I began receiving benefits, I was asked what would have happened if I did not win SSI. I said I would have ended up homeless again. I was told that they could not be responsible for decisions I made before receiving benefits. They could not be responsible for me choosing to take on debt to my roommates over homelessness. This is what they want from us.

I am afraid and disgusted and suffering under the boot of a government hoping they can snap my neck so they don't have to pay me. I cannot afford to put gas in my tank, or to get a new wheelchair, or to pay rent. I can barely afford to feed myself. If you can spare anything, I need new work clothes for this upcoming semester in the shop. I need shoes, work pants and shirts. I need to buy pans and plates for my apartment and I need to pay for a month's medication while they try to switch my meds from Indiana to Ohio insurance.

If you can spare anything at all, my V/enmo is @hmmngbrdbndt. I do art and cross-stitch commissions, and writing commissions at $0.20USD by the word. If you want examples of my writing, my AO3 is hummingbirdbandit. I'm happy to negotiate prices based on complexity. I also knit, and will do scarves and hats for $25USD plus cost of materials. I will also do lapghans for $50 plus cost of materials.

Some apologies amount to someone asking for permission to keep doing something bad.

These apologies generally shouldn’t be accepted.

(But it can be really hard not to, because who want permission to do bad things tend to lash out when they don’t get it.)

(If you have to accept a bad apology to protect yourself, it’s not your fault.)

Eg:

Moe: “I’m sorry, I know this is my privileged male opinion talking but…”

Or, Moe: “I’m sorry, I know I’m kind of a creeper…” or “I’m sorry, I know I’m standing too close but…”

At this point, Sarah may feel pressured to say “It’s ok.”

If Sarah says, “Actually, it’s not ok. Please back off” or “Yes, you’re mansplaining, please knock it off”, Moe is likely to get angry.

The thing is, it’s not ok, and Moe has no intention of stopping. 

Moe is just apologizing in order to feel ok about doing something he knows is wrong.

Another example:

Sam is a wheelchair user. He’s trying to get through a door.

Mary sees him and decides that he needs help.

Mary rushes to open the door. As she does so, she says “Oh, sorry, I know I’m supposed to ask first”, with an expectant pause. 

At this point, Sam may feel pressured to say “It’s ok”, even if the ‘help’ is unwanted and unhelpful. 

If Sam says, “Yes, you should have asked first. You’re in my way. Please move”, Mary is likely to get angry and say “I was just trying to help!”.

In this situation, Mary wasn’t really apologizing. She was asking Sam to give her permission to do something she knows is wrong.

More generally:

Fake Apologizer: *does something they know the other person will object to*.

Fake Apologizer: “Oh, I’m sorry. I know I’m doing The Bad Thing…” or “I guess you’re going to be mad if I…”

Fake Apologizer: *expectant pause*

The Target is then supposed to feel pressured to say something like “That’s ok”, or “I know you mean well”, or “You’re a good person, so it’s ok for you to do The Bad Thing.”

If the Target doesn’t respond by giving the Fake Apologizer permission/validation, the Fake Apologizer will often lash out. This sometimes escalates in stages, along the lines of:

Fake Apologizer: I *said* I was sorry!

Fake Apologizer: *expectant pause*

The Target is then supposed to feel pressure to be grateful to the Fake Apologizer for apologizing, and then as a reward, give them permission to do The Bad Thing. (Or apologize for not letting them do The Bad Thing.)

If the Target doesn’t respond in the way the Fake Apologizer wants, they will often escalate to intense personal insults, or even overt threats, eg:

Fake Apologizer: I guess you’re just too bitter and broken inside to accept my good intentions. I hope you get the help you need. And/or:

Fake Apologizer: Ok, fine. I’ll never try to do anything for you ever again. And/or

Fake Apologizer: *storms off, and slams the door in a way that causes the person who refused their intrusive help to fall over*.

Susie: Man, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with Kris and Ralsei