After giving it a lot of thought, and much soul-searching, I have decided that the only correct course of action is to kill everyone at this potluck with my enchanted cursed greatsword

Having ADHD is so fun because sometimes youre looking for something that you use regularly and definitely put away in a smart and reasonable place and you have absolutely 0 hope of remembering where and finding it. And then other times ur like "hmm I need a some kind of small pointed object. I feel like i remember seeing a paperclip under the left couch cushion a month ago, i wonder if its still there" and it is

"wait but if u saw the paperclip why would u just leave it there?" its the adhd. Also if i had put it away then i wouldnt have been able to find it a month later when i needed it. So. Checkmate neurotypicals.

yeah yeah the paperclip montage, we've all seen it

[ID: a montage of a paper clip in a bunch of different locations around a house. end ID]

that was easy as shit

apparently according to this book i’m reading you can go back in time if you just travel faster than the speed of light?

thinking about when i mentioned tom and jerry by title alone to my 65 year old father and his only response was to laugh REALLY hard and say "him and that fucking mouse.." while staring into the distance. and then the conversation was over

I got a job at a gas station across from a casino and a guy keeps coming in to buy whole cartons of cigarettes and talks in the third person calling himself "snake eyes pete" and every time I tell him his total hes like "tell ya what if old Pete rolls a snake eyes why dont you give it to him for free?" and he rolls the same set of loaded dice on the counter and it does not matter how many times he rolls snake eyes I will not give him the cartons for free he gets so mad

Cannot stress enough how much you need to get on this stir fry shit. Newly living alone and don't know how to cook? Stir fry. Saturday morning after a rough night and need to whip up something tasty and hearty in a hurry? Stir fry. Approaching your thirties and deciding you need to eat healthier, balanced meals? Stir fry. Pick yourself out a protein, a starch, and like three veggies. More if you want. Then, simply stir and fry

For thousands of years humanity has selectively bred chickens to have larger breasts and to have to lay eggs constantly. We did it to get more meat and per chicken, but from the perspective of the domesticated chickens they’re sorta living in a very specific fetish scenario

(guy who's not getting anything done voice) I need to learn every skill and all information

nip over to troy, bit of rough and tumble, big horse, bish bash bosh, back home to ithaca. simple as

[pushing my glasses up with an air of unwarranted superiority and gesturing toward a painting without a minotaur] the Minotaur is implied.

*walking into the morgue to find body parts scattered across the floor* oh my god who closed last night

job interviewer: would you be willing to destroy and betray yourself for nothing?