System sideblog for talking about personal experiences with having a complex dissociative disorder, alongside other disorders, thoughts on being a system in general, and other aspects of my mental health!
DID βΉ OCD βΉ Schizospec
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read more under the cut
The terms ANP/EP (some also include ANEP) are very rigid categories that where made to describe the trauma connection one part has. 2 (or 3) terms are not enough to type members of a system. We took our time to make a little questionnaire and came up with 27 different types.
The basis of our types:
Spectrum PTSD symptoms
This spectrum is based on the diagnostic criteria for PTSD it includes trauma exposure and post trauma exposure responses (flashbacks, avoidance of triggers, hypervigelance). While PTSD affects the whole body different parts may have different severity. A low score in PTSD symptoms means a low imparement due to them, a high score in PTSD symptoms means a high imparement due to them.
Spectrum Daily living
This spectrum is slightly inspired by the levels of support one needs. We categorized it into presence and skills (coping, problem solving, daily activities, communication). Your answers to this spectrum should be according to your own baseline. For example if the whole system has communication issues don't base your communication skills on what you should be able to do, but what you're really able to do. A low score in Daily Living means there is low imparement in Daily Living, a high score in Daily Living means a high imparement in Daily Living.
Spectrum Awareness
This spectrum is inspired from the original ANP/EP terms and asses your awareness of memory time and now time (cognitive and emotional awareness). A low score in awareness means that part is aware of now time, a high score in awareness means that part is aware of memory time.
Our types are based on the three spectrums explained above and the corresponding severity. So someone who scores low on all three areas has the code lPlDlA (low imparement due to PTSD, low imparement in Daily Living, low Awareness of memory time).
The Questionnaire:
Spectrum PTSD symptoms
Has this part experienced traumatic memories themselves? (Yes 4/No 1)
Is this part emotionally connected to said memories? (Yes 4/No 1)
Does this part experience flashbacks? (Always 4/Usually 3/Sometimes 2/Never 1)
Does this part avoid triggers? (Always 4/Usually 3/Sometimes 2/Never 1)
Does this part have a hightened perception of threats? (Always 4/Usually 3/Sometimes 2/Never 1)
Spectrum Daily Living
Does this part dissociate? (Always 4/Usually 3/Sometimes 2/Never 1)
Does this part front in daily living situations? (Always 1/Usually 2/Sometimes 3/Never 4)
Can this part cope healthily? (Always 1/Usually 2/Sometimes 3/Never 4)
Does this part have problem solving skills? (Always 1/Usually 2/Sometimes 3/Never 4)
Does this part communicate well with the system and/or outside people? (Always 1/Usually 2/Sometimes 3/Never 4)
Spectrum Awareness
Does this part remember traumatic or stressful memories? (Always 4/Usually 3/Sometimes 2/Never 1)
Is this part aware of any emotions connected to the traumatic memory? (Always 4/Usually 3/Sometimes 2/Never 1)
Does this part acknowledge that something must have happened even if they don't remember it? (Always 4/Usually 3/Sometimes 2/Never 1)
Is this part aware of your current situation? (Always 1/Usually 2/Sometimes 3/Never 4)
Does this part acknowledge that now time must be different even if they have no memories? (Always 1/Usually 2/Sometimes 3/Never 4)
The points:
Total: 15-60
PTSD symptoms: 5-20
Daily Living: 5-20
Awareness: 5-20
low imparement: 5-10, medium imparement: 11-15, high imparement: 16-20
A higher score is associated with a higher imparement in functioning.
The types:
A classic ANP would probably fall under (lPlDlA), a classic EP would probably fall under (hPhDhA).
The Failsafe, lPlDlA β This part has a low impairment due to PTSD, a low impairment in Daily Living and a low Awareness of memory time. They are probably highly functional and unaware of any trauma. Could be a protector or host with denial.
The Coper, lPmDmA β This Part has a low impairment due to PTSD, a medium impairment in Daily Living and a medium Awareness of memory time. They are probably either aware of both memory time and now time or not aware of either of them. They may have denial about trauma and they may have the ability to push themselves to function for a short time.
The Deja Vu, lPhDhA β This Part has a low impairment due to PTSD, a high impairment in Daily Living and a high Awareness of memory time. They may be preoccupied with memories at all times and don't avoid triggers, making them not count for PTSD. But them being stuck in memory time may make daily living harder.
The Melancholic, lPlDhA β This Part has a low impairment due to PTSD, a low impairment in Daily Living and a high Awareness of memory time. They may appear highly functional but are not connected to the now time which may make them behave inappropriately.
The Denier, lPhDlA β This Part has a low impairment due to PTSD, a high impairment in Daily Living and a low Awareness of memory time. They are probably denying the possibility of trauma while still being highly impaired in daily living. They are stuck in now time.
The Rememberer, lPmDhA β This Part has a low impairment due to PTSD, a medium impairment in Daily Living and a high Awareness of memory time. They remember their life like a movie but may not feel any connection to it so they have only medium impairment in Daily Living.
The Loner, lPhDmA β This Part has a low impairment due to PTSD, a high impairment in Daily Living and a medium Awareness of memory time. They probably won't engage in daily living and come out every once in a while. They may either be aware of both memory and now time or they are not aware of either.
The Worker, lPmDlA β This Part has a low impairment due to PTSD, a medium impairment in Daily Living and a low Awareness of memory time. They are stuck in now time and may have denial around trauma. They have medium impairment in daily living but will probably push through a lot.
The Functioning, lPlDmA β This Part has a low impairment due to PTSD, a low impairment in Daily Living and a medium Awareness of memory time. They appear functional and may handle most of daily living but they are either aware of both now and memory time or unaware of both.
The Therapist, mPlDlA β This Part has a medium impairment due to PTSD, a low impairment in Daily Living and a low Awareness of memory time. They may want to help everyone due to understanding how they feel and may be active in daily living or help those who are. They are aware of now time and may refuse to acknowledge memory time.
The Average, mPmDmA β This Part has a medium impairment due to PTSD, a medium impairment in Daily Living and a medium Awareness of memory time. They are either aware of both memory and now time or unaware. They probably need frequent rests and are not that reliable.
The Dreamer, mPhDhA β This Part has a medium impairment due to PTSD, a high impairment in Daily Living and a high Awareness of memory time. They are preoccupied with memory time making them highly impaired in daily living. They are probably not going to avoid triggers making them more prone to flashbacks.
The Workaholic, mPlDhA β This Part has a medium impairment due to PTSD, a low impairment in Daily Living and a high Awareness of memory time. They will probably dissociate a lot to push through work or other aspects of daily living. They are prone to lose themselves in work to distract themselves from memory time.
The Client, mPhDlA β This Part has a medium impairment due to PTSD, a high impairment in Daily Living and a low Awareness of memory time. They are aware of now time and may struggle to understand why they are so impaired in daily living. These parts will most likely be the ones searching for help. They may be unaware of their system.
The Philosopher, mPmDhA β This Part has a medium impairment due to PTSD, a medium impairment in Daily Living and a high Awareness of memory time. They may be preoccupied with rumination and overthinking making them less functional.
The Avoider, mPhDmA β This part has a medium impairment due to PTSD, a high impairment in Daily Living and a medium Awareness. They are probably unaware of memory and now time, living in their own reality. They will avoid daily living situations but will probably also avoid being alone with their thoughts.
The Present, mPmDlA β This Part has a medium impairment due to PTSD, a medium impairment in Daily Living and a low Awareness of memory time. They are present in now time and functioning okay. They may deny memory time and brush PTSD symptoms off as not bad enough to count.
The Neighbor, mPlDmA β This Part has a medium impairment due to PTSD, a low impairment in Daily Living and a medium Awareness of memory time. They are your typical neighbor, functional but there is still a lot going on. They may behave inappropriate due to neither being fully aware of now or memory time but show clear PTSD symptoms they probably dismiss.
The Traumatized, hPlDlA β This Part has a high impairment due to PTSD, a low impairment in Daily Living and a low Awareness of memory time. They are your average traumatized, still functional and unaware of memory time while still having high PTSD symptoms.
The Dissociated, hPmDmA β This Part has a high impairment due to PTSD, a medium impairment in Daily Living and a medium Awareness of memory time. They probably dissociate through their life to make it more bearable not recognizing now or memory time.
The Re-Living, hPhDhA β This Part has a high impairment due to PTSD, a high impairment in Daily Living and a high Awareness of memory time. They are probably fully stuck in memory time and will only front during flashbacks or retraumatisation. They are unaware of now time.
The Double Bookkeeper, hPlDhA β This Part has a high impairment due to PTSD, low impairment in Daily Living, high Awareness of memory time. They are somehow functional despite all the mess and seem to be living two separate lives.
The Unaware, hPhDlA β This Part has a high impairment due to PTSD, a high impairment in Daily Living and a low Awareness of memory time. They are highly impaired but still unaware of memory time. They won't be handling daily living and will probably have high amnesia and dissociation over their flashbacks.
The Impaired, hPhDmA β This Part has a high impairment due to PTSD, a high impairment in Daily Living and a medium Awareness of memory time. They are highly impared in all areas and will probably remember both memory and now time.
The Holder, hPmDhA β This Part has a high impairment due to PTSD, a medium impairment in Daily Living and a high Awareness of memory time. They are probably there to hold symptoms and memories and tends to stay out of daily living activities for the most part.
The Watcher, hPmDlA β This Part has a high impairment due to PTSD, a medium impairment in Daily Living and a low Awareness of memory time. They are present in now time but won't handle daily living for the most part. They may rather engage as a silent watcher.
The Fawn, hPlDmA β This Part has a high impairment due to PTSD, a low impairment in Daily Living and a medium Awareness of memory time. They will probably slip into fawn response quite often to remain functional in daily living. They will most likely be aware of both memory and now time.
discovered recently that we have a few child parts I didnβt know about?? there are even notes about caretaker-little dynamics that I was completely unaware of, and that they have really clear internal communication, which I genuinely didnβt think was possible or have experienced, which (while the context is distressing) I will view as a positive because it means more is being understood ππ«Άπ»
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people always describe the system experience as either the host makes all the decisions with input from their headmates, or the headmates vote and come to a collective decision, but what i experience is more closer to a dictatorship where whoeverβs fronting at the moment does whatever the fuck they want until they leave and then it repeats with the next fronter and the one after that too.
the innerworld function on pluralspace is pretty cute! while I don't really have an elaborated headspace, something I've been wanting to work on is developing one for processing aspects of my system visually, through the therapy technique! and I think having a way to see that being developed will be super helpful! π
We've had recurring difficulties of just... some of us get painfully and unresolvably lonely. No matter how much company we have, no matter how many people are around, no matter who we talk to, some of us just do not feel seen or heard or cared for.
They're grappling with old pain, I think, but they struggle to see that. It becomes an additional barrier to connecting with the people around us, who mostly just get confused as to what's going on. Because from others' perspective, we have been social, we have been cared for, we have been known and understood by those around us.
But seemingly, for some of us, it's never enough.
We suspect it's probably internal system dynamics showing themselves, that they need something from the rest of us in the system that they're not getting, but it's not totally clear how to meet that, either. We try to reach out to them, spend time with them, but they're largely ignoring or closed off to the rest of us, whatever we try.
I'm really sorry that so many of you are feeling so lonely :( It can be really difficult to feel genuinely connected to people when you're not emotionally fulfilled otherwise, or not completely present with people, especially because a lot of systems experienced loneliness in their past too. I really hope that you're able to find ways to work with system members that are feeling lonely, and figure out what will help you all feel more connected! π
question for the community π what are some aspects of being a system youβre struggling with? have you realized anything difficult recently? are you having difficulties? is there anything you need to work on?
please take this as an opportunity to vent or share anything you need to talk about β£οΈ
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sometimes I feel crazy because I see so many systems around me have such good communication and connection with different alters. like, they can talk to them internally, they co-front and can communicate while they are co-fronting, they call out to them, can control or guide switching to some extent, and have these complex inner dynamics between them, where alters view themselves as siblings, partners, anything really, even just that they're aware of other parts, they know what "inner content" belongs to different parts, they know the complexity of other parts and like can even make fun moodboards for them, pokemon teams, easily draw their alters interacting, they can recognize who is fronting, and track alters and switches easily, and I just don't really... experience any of that? π
I just don't know, I'm always confused, the amnesia and the disconnect is too intense, I cant communicate, I don't know much information about other parts, or when they're fronting, honestly I don't really know anything ?? I wish that I knew how to manage that information the same way, and that I had the more fun experiences, where alters create pretty profiles and have silly internal interactions, but I'm just confused about everything, it often makes me feel really doubtful of my experiences, or just desperate to understand more and unsure why I struggle with it so much, I'm just in this chronic state of confusion about everything π
On the subject of "they're just attention seeking" inside and outside of system communities. π
I have a lot of thoughts on this subject!!
Firstly, I will never claim someone is faking their experiences! I would rather believe someone who was mistaken, or lying, as opposed to risking dismissing someone who was struggling. The idea of conditional allyship is difficult for everyone involved, and often makes the groups people are trying to protect equally afraid that, if they step "out of line" they will too, be ridiculed, shamed or isolated.
I also don't believe we should insult, demean or ostracize people who are discovered to be faking, because compassion, and desire to support instead of scrutinize, is important.
Also, attention seeking always (!!) has a reason. Someone might not be given adequate attention; be taught they need to be dependent on attention to exist; be struggling and not sure how else to express that; or, in financial distress and relying on attention to gain money for survival. It's not a meaningless mechanism, or one that deserved to be shamed. Even without a negative reason, we are, generally, social creatures!!
I would also say that viewing "attention seeking" as invalidating experiences mayyy be rooted in misogyny (this isn't saying people who say it are misogynistic, please understand I am not saying this as an accusation!!) due to the history of "female hysteria" and the perception of "attention seeking" and "being dramatic" invalidating people subject to misogyny. We even see this today, where people will seek out medical care, mental health support, or general emotional catharsis, and be reduced to a "hysterical woman who is dramatic and attention seeking" and, consequently, this might be something that would be helpful to consider, and untangle!
There are also some ableist undertones in the concept, as some people (e.g those with HPD or NPD) are dependent on attention, and don't always search for that in ways that are ideal. Everyone deserves compassion, and understanding. π