Trent Reznor's Jug-Band Christmas

THE EVERGREEN SHIP WAS THIS YEAR!????!???!???!!!??!

Jurassic Park except they provide proper enrichment for the animals and they therefor don’t feel the need to hunt slow, small humans.

“We stuffed this pumpkin full of live goats for the T. rex watch him try to get them out with his little fingers.”

“Turns out the raptors are cage breakers, so we’ve gotten them a series of door handles to manipulate. Little guys just love it.”

"The Rexes are incredibly affectionate pack animals, so we were careful to breed multiples. Be sure to come during spring time to watch them go broody over anything even vaguely egg-shaped." "We put the Raptors through target training and now if they are bored, hungry, or just want a scratch under the chin they go to spot near the bars and ring a little bell for attention." "Imprinting after hatching was so common that we now have keepers under contract to care for the animals well into adulthood to prevent them from pining." "The Gallimimus turned out to be just giant Canada Geese, and so fear nothing. Their keeper regularly has to stop them from trying to attack fences, guests, feeding buckets, and the now traumatised pack of Ceratosaurs in the next paddock."

"We also fired Dr. Henry Wu."

I have questions for OP either about how big they think a pumpkin is or about how small they think goats are.

In a fictional genetic theme park, we play by Roger Rabbit rules. They’re however large they need to be to make my joke work.

I respect that. Question withdrawn.

I mean growing giant 300lb pumpkins is a competitive event

ok guys let’s go to sleep now

all together

this is the book where madelines appendix burst you insensitive bastard

every time I see AITA I read it as avatar is the Airbender

Avatar: The Last Asshole

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve bullshitted someone into believing?

I convinced my kids that my car’s triangular, red, hazard button was a ‘self destruct’ button. This was initially to keep them from hitting it since it is a really prominently placed, large, red button. This worked out great until I quickly pulled the car over the other day to get a dog off the road. Threw on my hazards and jumped out of the car after the dog. I looked back and both kids are hitting the ditch.

Dealing with that kind of betrayal must have been hard for them. “Dad hit the self-destruct and ran away!!!”

It is literally impossible to pick a favorite line from this because the entire thing is gold. 

gonna google “spider skeleton halloween decoration” and piss myself off