I need to punch this depressed malaise in the fucking face cause it's honestly starting to piss me off. I hate it. I am not this person.
I, very naively, thought that depression was just that overwhelming sense of sadness or tiredness. I know first hand what it looks like on the outside, but its more than that. Sometimes you’re just sitting there and everything is fine and then all of a sudden it feels like the world is ending.
Sometimes it's less, sometimes its just tiredness, or brain fog or apathy. Sometimes you can just pretend its not there and honestly, it isn’t so bad. Like, its actually really easy to just ‘feel happy’ and genuinely, eventually, actually feel happy. Sometimes I just do a little cry and feel great. Sometimes it seems to manifest as anger or short temperedness.
I’ve heard people say, and I know that it does help to talk. But I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. Like, I don’t know what I would talk about. I don’t even know why I feel sad. I’ve really not got anything to be sad about (yes I know that anyone can get this no matter how ‘happy’ they are). I can’t really nail down whats actually wrong with me.
But it keeps getting worse for me and I don’t know why. I don’t know what I’m doing that makes it encroach more on my life. I don’t feel suicidal or like lying in the foetal position, but its just a full body sensation and its happening more and more. It’s weird. It’s not scary to me. I can tell what it is, I even think I know what I could be doing to alleviate it but I’m not. I don’t really know why. It’s holding me back and its lying to me, it's making me not want to change it. Is it depression? Is it just a phase? Is it something different? Either way, it needs to fuck off.
