!AshER!

ODBWKDBKWBSKWBSKW EKDJWKSNWs MEEEEEEEE?

BITES YOU POLITELY AS A WAY OF THANKS

@c3lestial-angel @gutz-spl4tter3d @siriuslyobsessed394 @riverissilly @bethn0tfound404 @awkw4rdtoxicity @academicloser69420 @mountclover

YAYYYY YAYAYAYYAYAYYAYAAYAYAYYAAYYAYSYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYTAATYA

which combined with ilya loving just making things up and saying them (as seen in the "yes, the rumors are true-" scene) offers the very funny idea that ilya actively tries to offer as much privacy as possible by just throwing out stories about them at random so there IS no central story for people to hound shane about.

assorted backstories a la "ilya just started talking and found out with everyone else where he was going with this":

they got snowed in at all stars one year (b-but wasn't that year in florida?) and decided there was nothing better to do

it started as a bit and neither is willing to give up first

they paired off to combine forces like nato

they paired off to limit how many kids they could have in the future to make sure hockey stayed fair

ilya lost a bet six years ago

shane lost a bet three years ago

ilya got tired of remembering phone numbers for his hookups and shane's is easy

ilya got tired of having to look things up in english and french when talking to other people and decide to marry someone who speaks two languages to save time

shane is gifted enough (wink wink wink) that other people are cowards and only ilya was brave enough to rise to the challenge (this one gets him in trouble on the phone later but it also gets him laid that night at home and also confuses the online speculation about who tops and bottoms, so net positive tbh)

yuna hollander is the best manager in the business and a political marriage was the best way to secure her services longterm

the reporter obviously knows he's not serious (...mostly) but plays along with "what kids?" and ilya just ☝️ as he pulls out his phone and starts looking through, and everyone is like "surely not...bUT WHAT IF", and then he goes "ah! here", and holds out his phone

and it's a picture of anya and luca haas