Incorrect D&D Party Quotes

Bard: How’s the meeting going? Rogue: I want to stab everyone. Bard: Just don’t get blood on your suit. We have dinner reservations at 7. Rogue: I love you for enabling me.

Sorcerer: Hey Bloodhunter, do you know my blood type? Bloodhunter: Of course, it’s B positive. Sorcerer: Okay, I guessed wrong. Hey, Cleric!

Rogue: What’s up, Paladin? Paladin, after another day of being the only rational party member: My blood pressure.

You can lead a horse to water. And you can bring the horse into the water. And you can swim around with the horse and have fun. ~Druid

People who say 'Go big or go home' are severely underestimating my willingness to go home. ~Monk 

Wizard: "I thought you had a degree from Columbia; they don't think that's good enough?" Artificer: "Well, apparently now I need one from America..."

Non-consensual knife play, also known as stabbing. ~Rogue

Rogue, ordering coffee: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with uhh, seven shots of espresso? Sorcerer, next in line: God, just do cocaine.

I like saying 'fuck me' because it can be sexual or self-loathing and both describe me perfectly! ~Bard

Artificer: *gets down on one knee* Barbarian, will you-  Barbarian: If that's not brass knuckles, the answer is No.  Artificer: *opens the box to reveal brass knuckle engagement rings* Do you think I'm an idiot? 

NPC: *gesturing to Bard* Is this person bothering you? Rogue: Yes, but they are my partner. I signed up for this.

Fighter: How are we lookin’? Bard: Sexy, but not like we’re trying to, but like, sure we’re trying, but it’s almost effortless?

Fighter: Where’s Bard? Sorcerer: *sighs* They said they wanted to make a dramatic entrance. Bard, muffled: Some— Bard: BODY *door rattles but doesn’t break* Bard: ...Ow.

Monk: In my experience, a person doesn’t dye their hair that color unless they have psychological problems. Bloodhunter: *offended* My hair color has nothing to do with my psychological problems!