Incorrect D&D Party Quotes

Cleric: Life is so hard. Cleric: *takes out a cigarette* Rogue: I didn’t know you smoked. Cleric: *bites it in half* It’s candy.

Paladin: Perhaps we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this. Fighter: I agree. Except replace the word “non” with “extremely”, and after the word “violent”, include the phrase, “blood explosion extraordinaire.”

Rogue: Criminal record? I don’t have a criminal record! The only illegal thing I’ve done is absolutely killing it on the dance floor! Rogue: Just kidding! I’ve killed people.

Sorcerer: I have an idea, guys! Sorcerer: … Sorcerer: We start a fire! Warlock: That is a terrible self-destructive plan, and I’m behind you 100%.

"My life isn’t as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look." ~Rogue

Bard: *playing a G4 on loop* Sorcerer: *a tear starts to roll down their cheek* [window error noises]

Fighter: Please, don’t say anything to Paladin! Rogue: You want me to lie to Paladin? Fighter: Is that a problem? Rogue: No.

Wizard: Now I will show you your fortune. Warlock: Cool, I guess. Wizard: Card #1 is Death. Okay... Wizard: Card #2... also Death? Wizard: *frantically flipping cards* Wizard: Why is every card death, what the fuck, I don't even have that many death cards! Warlock: Figures.

Rogue: Wait, I can explain. NPC Guard: Can you? Rogue: Yeah, just give me a couple of minutes to think of a lie.

Paladin: If you don't mind, I've got things to do. Fighter: What things? You don't do things. Paladin: Yes, I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods. Fighter: And kill homicidal Demon Overlords? Paladin: VERY enthusiastic walks.

Rogue: For tonight’s final illusion, we have the incredible Sack of Mystery. When you put your money in it, it mysteriously disappears! NPC: [putting money in the bag] Oh yeah! That makes perfect sense! This was totally worth the trip!

Sorcerer: You know, I almost can’t believe it, but Warlock’s room is actually pretty normal. Warlock: What did you expect? Sorcerer: I don’t know… a coffin?

“If I am killed by Bloodhunter, do not prosecute them! Because they caught me slipping, and that is on me.” ~Rogue

Cleric: What are you drinking? Bard: Vodka. Cleric: Straight? Bard: No, I'm pan. Cleric: NOT YOU THE VODKA!

Rogue: Speaking of folks we could do without, Warlock is back. Fighter: *sighing* That explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.