ON THE AM

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“You ever seen a ghost?”

“Say more right now”

“I used to see the ghost of a little girl in a Victorian nightgown”

“Let’s change the subject”

“This is a weird topic”

“None of us ever really know our fathers”

“We don’t have time to unpack all of that”

“STREET SMARTS!”

“Sit up straight! Be respectful!”

“So say a kidnapper grabs you and throws you in the trunk of their car”

“Brush your teeth! Now BOOM orange juice, that’s life”

“That’ll throw him off his rhythm”

“Weird, psych-out, backroom Chicago violence”

“As any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phonebook doesn’t leave bruises”

“Okay, when you get kidnapped- not if, when”

“If you get taken to a secondary location, your odds of coming back alive are slim to none”

“I thought I was gonna be murdered my entire childhood”

“What would Leonard Bernstein do”

“Give us some money! As a gift! We want a gift! But only if it’s money!”

“Now you have the audacity to ask me for MORE money?!”

“I gave you more money than the Civil War cost and you spent it already?!”

“She’s not gonna do anything else for you. It’s done.”

“I thought our transaction was over”

“Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?

“College was like a four year game show”

“Well if it’s too big you can just wear it as a sleep shirt”

“These meaningless politeness rules”

“I like to throw in I’m kidding at the end of jokes now”

“See you at improv practice”

“Of all the sentences that I would be ashamed to hear read in court”

“I am damp all the time”

“I don’t think it’s anything serious”

“I’m gross now”

“Y’know, life?”

“Monkey monkey monkey man”

“I don’t know what my body is for, other than just taking my head from room to room”

“It’s tough to not get grumpy. It’s so tempting”

“I’m trying to stay nice though”

“Maybe they have a different definition of nice”

“If we must go on with salt alone, we will go on with salt alone”

“Famous people are weird as shit. They’re all weird. Your suspicions are correct”

“That must change you as a person”

“Everything was slower in the old days. Because they didn’t have enough to do so they had to slow things down”

“We gotta think of some weird, slow activities to fill the day”

“Everything is too fast now and totally unreasonable”

“Everything is run by robots, and we spend most of the day telling them that we’re not robots”

“Prove to me you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters!”

“How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once?”

“May I introduce you to THE GAZEBO”

“It seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time”

“There’s a horse loose in the hospital”

“What’d the horse do, what’d the horse do”

“We’re well past that”

“Okay okay okay okay okay okay”

“I have fired the horse catcher”

“How come you opened the door for the horse?”

“I used to pay less attention”

“I’m lazy by nature”

“And you can quote me on that”

“We bought a stroller for our dog”

“Just one more follow up question”

“What did they say in there, what did they do, what did they tell you”

“That’s the same joke twice”

“A charming anecdote that was fake and never happened”

“It’s a word you’re meant to mishear”

“The bread of bread is bread. The bread is good”