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@dissolvingache
I have always felt that a human being could only be saved by another human being. I am aware that we do not save each other very often. But I am also aware that we save each other some of the time.
James Baldwin, born 100 years ago today, on how to live through your darkest hour.
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Are you bad at saying no or is she bad at hearing it? Yes.
Banger passage from this Captain Awkward column:
Your question came in a shape that anyone who has spent more than an hour on this website will recognize. Let’s break it down to its most basic form: “Dear Captain Awkward, a person is repeatedly crossing my boundaries in a way that makes me feel [angry][annoyed][overwhelmed][triggered by reminders of past events][bored][avoidant][checked out][exasperated][other feelings that add up to ‘bad’]. How do I convince them to stop doing the stuff that makes me feel bad without making them feel bad?” This framing sets the problem up as a persuasion problem. Your boundaries only get to matter after you successfully convince the other people in the conflict that they do, and in the meantime they get to keep doing all the stuff that makes you feel bad until you a) persuade them to stop b) without making them feel even a little bit bad. Two immediate, glaring problems with this approach: 1) You can’t control how other people will react or how they will feel. 2) It puts all the power and agency in the hands of the person you’re trying to persuade. What happens if they remain unpersuaded, as Jane clearly has? When you were small, you were coerced into being an emotional dumping ground for adults who did not care about your consent. It wasn’t happening because you weren’t saying “uh, that seems like a grown-up problem, I’m gonna go ride bikes now” loudly or clearly or politely enough, it was about knowing that even if you did, at best they wouldn’t notice and at worst they might physically prevent you from leaving, punish you for trying, keep right on doing the thing, and scapegoat you for making them feel bad about any of it. “Fawn” and “freeze” start as trauma responses. When you’re dependent on someone who demands to be tiptoed around and fawned over, they become survival skills. Scratch a recovering people-pleaser who has a hard time saying no as an adult and chances are you’ll uncover a history of exposure to people who were so terrible at taking no for an answer *that it rewired their entire brain.* Once you’re away from a coercive environment, the habits and skills that helped you survive it stop working. People who have no interest in coercing you don’t want you to tiptoe around them, put your feelings last, preemptively manage their moods, or do anything you don’t freely and enthusiastically want to do. They don’t want you to try to read their minds or treat them like they are the worst person you’ve ever met. They don’t want to be the unwitting antagonists in dramas that take place only inside your head. The only people who would ever demand that from you or punish you for not prioritizing them above yourself are people you need to avoid like the plague.
You will disappoint people you care about when you put yourself first.
Perspectives shifts to make peace with this:
• Disappointment is unavoidable; it’s part of being human.
• Putting yourself first doesn’t mean you care less about others.
• You can’t pour from an empty cup—your well-being matters.
• People who truly care will understand your need for boundaries.
• Disappointment is temporary; resentment from overgiving lasts longer.
• Prioritizing yourself sets an example for others to do the same.
• Your worth isn’t tied to how much you sacrifice for others.
• Saying “no” to others is saying “yes” to yourself.
• You’re responsible for your happiness, not their expectations.
• Growth often feels uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for a fulfilling life.
When it comes to family (as many such cases):
• Family expectations can feel heavier, but you’re still allowed to set boundaries.
• Disappointing them doesn’t mean you don’t love them—it means you’re human.
• Your needs matter, even if they don’t always align with family traditions or values.
• You can explain your choices, but you’re not responsible for their feelings.
• Loving your family doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself.
• Putting yourself first can strengthen relationships by reducing resentment.
• Healthy boundaries lead to healthier family dynamics over time.
• It’s okay to grow in a direction that feels right for you, even if they don’t understand.
• You are not obligated to meet everyone’s expectations—family or not.
• Peace comes from accepting that love & disappointment can coexist.
friendly reminder: cliche as it is, healing takes time. things will be very different in a year, five years, ten years from now. keep going
small relationship tip:
if you’ve got someone in your life who apologises for a lot, instead of constantly telling them that they don’t have to apologise for that thing, slip in a couple ‘thank you’s or other small compliments.
“I’m sorry I can’t talk about that right now.” -> “thanks for establishing a boundary.”
“sorry I won’t be home for dinner” -> “I’m glad you’re able to go out and spend time with friend/treat yourself/etc.”
“I’m sorry I vented so much” -> “thank you for trusting me with this.”
this is so helpful. any thoughts on the correct answer to ‘are you annoyed with me?’
be honest. it’s not your job to regulate someone else’s emotions (/not mean).
I go with ‘I’m not [upset, angry, annoyed] with you and I’d tell you if I was.’ (The important part is You Must tell someone if you’re feeling this way otherwise the whole trust falls apart and you sit festering in those feelings and grow resentful.) You can also add an affirmation here like ‘you’re allowed to take up space in the house’ or ‘I like it when you tell me about things you’re interested in.’
Alternatively: ‘yes I am [upset, angry, annoyed] with you, because [behaviour.] I need [some time alone, to establish a boundary, to talk it through with you, etc.]’
or: ‘I’m [upset, angry, annoyed] with you because I’m [overwhelmed, stressed, scared]. You haven’t don’t anything wrong and I don’t need you to change anything but I still need [space to decompress, time alone, a snack etc].’
remember, if the relationship is worth maintaining, it’s worth being honest and communicating.
tags:
"this is a good post but i do find myself frustrated with it. because yeah there is no good clean response to people apologizing for things they shouldn't apologize for. like their needs. straight up they shouldn't apologize for needing things and I don't know how I'm expected to respond to... remorse for experiencing my care. that hurts and it's awful and there's nothing good about it and there is no boundary to be celebrated there. just stonewalling and sabotage. Right. It isn't my responsibility to regulate other people's emotions. how exactly do I regulate my own and maintain healthy interactions. when the people I love use their insecurities to filter my love into harm towards themself and our relationship?"
Hey, (gentle), I've been on both sides of this interaction. If you don't want my advice feel free to ignore this, or even ask me to delete my reply (/genuine).
Tell them. I promise it's okay. "Hey, I love you, it upsets me when you disregard the love I show you by apologising for accepting my help. I understand that it's because [reasons] but it hurts me. I offer you these things because I love and care about you, and want to show you."
In your own words naturally, but it's okay to voice these thoughts with people. Be honest with yourself that this is upsetting you. It's not an easy situation to be in and I know it hurts. You're doing great <3 (love heart.)
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Focusing on what’s rooted in reality has reduced so much of my overthinking time. If a friend is already out of my life, there’s no point dissecting our interactions from back when we were friends. If I already broke up w someone, there’s no point thinking about the could-have-beens because they will never happen. If I’m into someone but it wouldn’t work for whatever reason, then it just doesn’t. Something just is or just isn’t. There’s a lesson to take from everything but I also don’t want to use that as a catch-all excuse of getting into the weeds for something when the weeds have already been cut off and it doesn’t even matter anymore
“But what if I did x differently—” but you didn’t “but what if that one thing was different” but it isn’t “but what if y suddenly changes” if it hasn’t for long enough that it has become a problem, then it won’t. The worst we can do for ourselves. Like the actual single worst thing. Is to live in hypotheticals of situations we can never change. And I understand being attached to a concept but it doesn't matter. If something’s gone it just is. If something can’t work out it just can’t. That’s okay
This might suck to hear, but if you're a people pleaser that is motivated by praise and avoids disagreements, you are easy to manipulate.
When I was in therapy after surviving years of domestic violence, my therapist had to tell me that my personality was primed for abuse and we needed to work on that so I would be better equipped to see the red flags and respond appropriately in the future.
I'm still working on this, and it's been 8 years. If you tell someone how you want to be treated, what behaviors you don't tolerate in your life, what you're looking for in that relationship, and they react negatively, don't compromise yourself. Just move on.
This one's for all the praise-kink girlies: differentiate, self-actualize, stay sexy
This resonated with more people than I thought, so here are some phrases to practice when you would normally default to people pleasing:
I'm not comfortable with that.
I'd rather not, but thank you for the offer!
You're welcome to disagree, but that's not something I'm okay with.
No.
It's personal, and I'd prefer to keep it private.
That doesn't work for me. How about x
I respect your opinion, but I'd rather do it my way.
That is behavior that I don't tolerate.
To each their own.
I'm not looking for feedback right now, but if I'm looking for input later, I'll let you know.
Oh, I'm not sure I agree; I thought x
When you did/said x, I wasn't okay with that.
I don't accept your apology.
I can accept your apology once you've addressed the problem.
Hey, could you help me with x?
I need to stop.
I need some time to myself.
Just remember, your thoughts, feelings, and opinions are what make you unique, and you can change your mind later, so don't be afraid to say them out loud. Work through things. Don't dodge them.
heal. your mom may never apologize to you, because she has conditioned herself to believe that she did right by you. she hasn't healed. heal anyway. your father may never apologize to you, because he can only see what he's done right. he hasn't healed. your family members may never apologize to you, because toxicity is what they were raised on. they haven't healed. heal anyway. that "friend" may never apologize to you, because he/she isn't sorry. he/she hasn't healed. if/when they reach their healing, they may seek your forgiveness. be so healed that it won't even matter. heal for you. you owe yourself that much.
https://twitter.com/isabelunraveled
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five recipes for an exciting life (in my opinion)
spending enough time creating things with your hands (baking, drawing, scrapbooking, doodling, crocheting, journaling and so on)
keeping track of things like pretty skies, milestones, happy memories, appointments you're looking forward to
listening to music that genuinely makes you feel happy and energetic
making a habit of reaching out to people in a way that's comfortable to you (i send my dad songs he might like, my friend sends me monthly life updates)
being kind to all your five senses → like investing in a scented candle or essential oil dispenser or body mist, having a soft blanket or socks (or a soft animal to pet), listening to birdsong or the rain, looking at the sky more often, and having your favorite foods enough times
there is no such thing as being "behind in life" but it's okay to recognise that you missed out on some things whilst you were busy surviving
It's about to be a new year! Let's start it how we really wanna! Love you!
extremely extremely tiring to be around people who just vehemently hate themselves. nobody benefits from you acting like this. cruelty to the self is still cruelty. if i was at an art gallery admiring a piece by van gogh or in a library reading a beautiful poem and you walked up to me and went Ewww thats so bad... you think its good? youre wrong its really bad :/ you would be a certified piece of fucking shit it is not different just bc its your creation instead of someone else's. if a stranger walked up to me and started ranting about how they thought my friend was annoying and ugly i would punch them in the gut. it is not different just because you are saying this about yourself. nobody wants to hear it
fucking say something true and beautiful for once im sick of it. you know
paraphrasing my tags from another reblog chain here but this does not come from a place of ignorance. i am intimately familiar with self hatred and the mindset that leads people to talk like this and the REASON i stopped acting like a jackass and spouting this shit 24/7 is because i realized that it was not just about me. it was hurting other people. and i made the concious decision to stop doing that and to begin the proccess of training myself out of those thought patterns and out of saying that stuff. im not telling you to Just Stop but i am saying you CAN. you are not a slave to your mental illness you have agency over your life and your behaviors - your mental illness may make it more difficult to do certain things but that doesnt mean you dont have a responsibility to TRY if it's hurting other people.
One of the things that drives me away from a relationship most is if I give the other. person a compliment and they reject it.
“You’re so handsome.” “No I’m not.”
I see it and feel it the exact same way as if I said “What a beautiful sunset” and someone said “No it’s not, it’s ugly.” I was in a place of joy and you just injected something very unpleasant and life-denying into that space and that hurts.
I am here appreciating the world. You, as a human being, are part of that world. You’re a natural phenomenon and people have a right to find you beautiful and good and worthy. That is an expression of THEIR joy and enjoyment of the world. They are not incorrect.
They are expressing their aliveness and ability to perceive, they are right in the heart of what makes it worthwhile and joyful to be alive, and you should not come to that special place within someone you love and tell them it’s wrong to feel the way they feel.
I totally get that it may sound fake and ridiculous to you when someone compliments you, and it’s ok to acknowledge that. “I know you mean it when you say it, but my brain won’t let me believe it right now. But thank you. I will keep trying.”
But ultimately, the goal is to get to a place where you can just say “thank you.”
trying to remind myself to not say “i’m sorry” when i really mean “i just expressed my feelings, and i’m worried about how you’ll respond because i’m used to being dismissed or gaslit due to past unhealthy relationships”
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A gentle reminder to release your internal bullies. Don’t let it pass because it’s « you ». You need boundaries for yourself too.
one important thing that Must be understood about interpersonal relationships is that you have to stop interacting with people who love you like they’re one slip-up away from leaving you. you have to trust that the ppl you love mean what they say. you have to believe that when they say “this hurt my feelings,” that they’re also saying, “can you please love me this other way next time?” and you have to wrap your head around the fact that even if you don’t understand Why someone loves you, you can accept that that they do. true, honest, & open love does not function like hp in a video game !!!!!!
