𝐢𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞

That whispering voice in your ear, the twist in your stomach and the anvil weighing on your chest. It wasn’t present in every waking moment, but recently it had been a frequent visitor. You wondered if it had anything to do with your dearest being away for the past two weeks. 

It wasn’t odd for Wanda to be pulled away for long periods of time, and even further distances away, and you had both found how to adapt in your relationship to these bouts of absence. She had learned to curb her anxiety that you would grow tired of her, or gods forbid that someone might take you from her forcibly while she was away. And you had learned to find enjoyment in your own company as well as finding fulfillment in your hobbies and platonic relationships. 

Despite the newfound appreciation for your own company you couldn’t help it when your conscious decided to wage war on you. Every move made scrutinized with the utmost venom. You weren’t good enough, special enough, strong enough. Your expertise wasn’t in power or strength, you were better at sitting at your desk running through intel and making sure emails got to the right people at the right time. 

You were happy with your work too, after all your position led to a chance meeting with who was now the love of your life. However, you knew Wanda’s work could be dangerous and even though she was more than capable you felt as if you were worthless here and could, should be, doing more. 

Six feet deep into your thoughts, everything else was drowned out by the ever growing swirling in your gut that felt much like someone had put all of Loki’s knives inside a drying machine and started it. It wasn’t until a hand was resting on your shoulder tenderly. The interruption made you jump on shaking legs from your couch. The apartment had been entirely silent as you sat in your thoughts but now you heard the impatient meowing from your cat on the other side of the couch as the hand fell away from your shoulder. 

You momentarily thought to panic at the intrusion but then you caught a whiff of a familiar and missed perfume. The smell had nearly faded entirely from your pillow and you grew lightheaded as you scrambled over the back of the couch, nearly tripping over yourself; being caught and held by strong and gentle arms. 

“Y/N,” It was whispered through a croaky voice but you felt Wanda’s smile against your hair and you fell further into her embrace. She was first to pull away, hands drifting from your hair and waist to rest against your cheeks- thumbs brushing fondly against your cheekbones. 

Her smile was bright and she appeared uninjured which settled something that had been stirring in you. Yet some of the light in her eyes and the edges of her smile melted when she locked her gaze against yours. You’ve done something wrong. You’ve failed. She came to tell you that it’s over.

The thoughts came unwelcome and you knew it was all unrealistic but you couldn’t help in the way you recoiled from her gentle touch, gaze now attached to the floor. 

“How was it?” You asked just as Wanda interrupted with,

“You are perfect,” 

Wide eyes met the calming and adoring green of hers. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“You are perfect,” She repeated, her lips pulling up once more to show a toothy smile. “Couldn’t stop thinking about coming home to you.” 

“Uh- I-” You stammered, not unused to her words but surprised with the abruptness of her confessions. 

“It was simple this time around, no casualties and only a couple injuries,” She reassured you and finally answering your question but she wasn’t put off from her current goal as she drew you back into her arms, lips pressed against your forehead firmly. 

“Whether things are bleak or boring, you keep me focused so that I can come back to you. You don’t know how much you help me even when we’re thousands of miles apart,” 

Your skin tingled with her words along with her hot breath against your hairline and you couldn’t stop it when the tears burned in your eyes. 

“You’re too good to me,” 

Your voice was unsteady and hoarse but you leaned against the back of the couch and brought her in closer to you so you could absorb her words; drink them in like a person starved. 

“There is nothing too good for you,” Wanda said fiercely, head now bent down to mutter these words against your parted lips. 

“I love you,” Was all you could think to say in your dumbfounded state, a smile finally breaking through with your relief. 

You and your friend went back and forth for a few more seconds, swatting each others legs and pinching each other’s arms before you settled down to pay attention. However, you couldn’t keep your mind from wandering as Professor Beery droned on. His voice was loud, uproariously so,  yet melodic enough that it took on a buzzing quality in your ears, falling into background noise with the rest of the classroom.

The vibrancy of the plants, robes, and sunlight all seemed to melt away as you tied yourself to a drifting thought and let it pull you down the rushing river of your mind. In the chaos of the white tipped waves, carrying anything from your daily musings to your deepest secrets, you wished you could claim that you were aimlessly dreaming as your friend had suggested. That this thought that you were clinging to with each ounce of strength wasn’t on the same path that you had taken so many times before. 

You followed as far as you could, grasping at low hanging branches that might contain the answers but they always snapped, being pulled so deep beneath the raging waters that you never hoped to see them again. In no time at all, you wound up where you always did; in front of a towering brick wall, a dam that you had constructed to keep yourself safe, but was now a barricade you couldn’t force yourself through. 

Unable to find the answers you needed, the thought you’d immersed yourself in began to drag you under, sounding out louder and louder in your head until it was all you could think of. 

What was wrong with Remus Lupin? 

--

You were made aware that class was at it’s end when a culmination of your peer’s voices, the sound of shuffled feet and plans for lunch poking at your bubble until it popped. You were on your way out with your friend, eyes searching the crowd for a familiar mop of sandy curls. You had made up your mind that he could try to avoid you, but you could try just as hard to make him talk to you. 

Throwing a farewell over your shoulder to your friend, you quickly made your way out of the greenhouse. Remus had just barely left himself, dust still floating in the doorway after being brushed up by the hem of his robes. With some quick maneuvering around your classmates, you finally were within arm’s reach. You guessed that if he’d seen you following, he would have  run off before you could catch up. 

Snagging Remus’ sleeve before he could get further, you tugged back on his arm until he stalled in the hallway. He was slow to face you but when he did his expression was screwed up tightly, and his eyes shifted around. 

There were lilac bruises under his eyes, as if he was sleeping enough to get by but not near enough to look refreshed. A thin scratch burned bright against his skin, following the length of his jaw and it’s twin bridging over his nose. 

You weren’t startled by the appearance, it wasn’t odd to see Remus with an assortment of scrapes and bruises, his transformations never going easy on him. However, the grim set of his jaw and his forlorn eyes tugged at something deep in your gut and you were becoming endlessly worried about your friend.

“Something you want?” Remus prompted and you couldn’t help but frown at how ragged his voice sounded. 

“Maybe for a chance to talk without you running away?” You bit out sharply. He had the decency to look remorseful.

“We’re talking right now,” he shrugged, toeing at the ground while the halls cleared out. The only company you had now were students rushing past so that they weren’t late to class. You had larger worries than making it to potions on time. 

 “It’s been two weeks since we’ve spent any time together Rem. I can’t even get a hold of James or Sirius long enough to ask them if you’re okay.” You tried again, voice smoothed of all its jagged edges. You couldn’t help but grip his sleeve a bit tighter, he looked like a caged animal and you feared he would run if you let go. 

With your free hand you reached out, palm laid gently against his cheek as you tried to catch his eye.  “You haven’t been yourself and I’m worried,”

“I’ve been just fine, thanks,” He muttered, jerking away from your touch. “Never asked you to worry about me anyways,” 

You felt as if the breath had been punched from your lungs.

Remus had his shoulders up by his ears, everything about him screaming uncomfortable. Had this closing off been more gradual than you believed? Were there things you hadn’t noticed before now that would have stopped him from pulling away? 

“We’re friends, you never had to ask me to worry. I just want to help,” You urged, voice growing thick with emotion. “I miss you,” 

Remus’ shoulders drooped a bit at your confession but he still refused to meet your eyes. It felt like a stone wall had been dropped between you two and you couldn’t find the entrance. Your heart was constricting painfully, the desire to help him and the knowledge that he wasn’t letting you clashing within your chest.

The silence of the corridor and Remus combined chilled you to the bone and so you reached out and wrapped your arms around his waist, hoping that he would stop acting like everything was fine.

Instead, you were met with strong hands gripping your shoulders and bringing you back to arm’s length away. 

“What did I do wrong?” You blurted out, desperately trying to get answers. “What terrible thing did I do that made it so you can’t even look at me? Let alone speak to me,” 

 Remus was one of your closest friends, but seemingly out of nowhere he had stopped showing up for tutoring sessions and had stopped coming to your dorm on Thursdays after dinner to simply talk and let time pass comfortably. You told him everything and he told you everything. 

He’d told you about when he’d been attacked by a werewolf as a child and you’d told him about your insecurities and fears. You’d promised him then that you would never see him as a monster and he’d promised he’d never abandon you. There was nothing left unsaid between you. If there was ever a problem, you were confident that neither of you would be foolish enough to let it fester. 

There had been no argument that could explain this sudden upheaval to your regularly stable friendship. All signs pointed to you having done something wrong and it left you nauseous and sorry for something you knew nothing about. Frustrated tears burned at the edge of your eyelids but you refused to let them fall. 

“Do you even remember what happened two weeks ago?” The urgency of Remus’ voice shocked you back into the present, and this time when you looked up, his eyes were following your own. He looked pained. 

“Uhhh...Want to be more specific?” 

With a humorless chuckle, Remus brought his hands up to tug at his hair. He looked halfway to laughter and halfway to tears. “Merlin, Y/N, how hard did you hit your head?” 

“It was just a bump-” 

“Oh so now you remember that little tidbit of information,” 

“Why are you being such a jerk?” You asked with eyes narrowed. “I’m sorry I got in the way last time-” 

With a groan, Remus grabbed your hand and tugged you from the middle of the corridor you two had been stationed for nearly half an hour, bickering. His only explanation being, “Let’s finish this elsewhere,” 

Three minutes later, Remus was tugging you into the gryffindor common room before tugging you one final stretch to his dorm. Shutting the door resolutely, Remus spun on his heel, misery marring his face as he looked you up and down. 

“What world are you living in Y/N, where you could ever get in the way of a fucking mindless werewolf?” 

For a few minutes you stared, as the pieces finally put themselves together in your mind. And then, you were pushing at Remus’ chest with anger and incredulity. 

“You are absolutely unbelievable! Are you tell me that you have been avoiding me, making me feel like shit, because of an accident? A simple fucking mistake? You are so blinded by your self hatred that you didn’t realize that I haven’t even been thinking about what happened during the last full moon,” 

Remus had caught your writsts by now, despite the continuation of your verbal assault. His eyes were harsh and his grip unforgiving but you couldn’t believe he’d treated you like you were invisible because of an injury he hadn’t even been responsible for, or at least aware of at the time. 

“I hurt you!” Remus said as if you two hadn’t had this conversation about the other boys hundreds of times before. Every time he harmed any of the people he cared about while he was a werewolf, he dissolved into a vicious cycle of self loathing but he had never abandoned those people because of it. Eventually he saw that he wasn’t in control all the time even if the wolfsbane helped. 

“I got a bruise on my back for a couple days and a grazed forehead that Madam Pomfrey took care of in five minutes, how in the world does that justify you breaking my heart for weeks? You know me Remus! You know how I feel when people just vanish like that... and you promised you wouldn’t be one of them.” 

The fight was quickly leaving you, even when you ripped your hands away from Remus. He was left standing by the door as you leaned against his bed, slumping down to the floor so you could bury your head in your knees. 

“I hadn’t even thought of what had happened, because I didn’t hold it against you for a second. But I’ve been driving myself crazy because I thought I’d done something terrible to you and you hated me for it.” You choked out. 

You heard a heavy sigh and then warmth all along your left side. Remus was now seated beside you, shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip. 

“I’d rather break your heart than hurt you,” He muttered and you let out a strangled groan. 

“You do know how stupid that sounds, right? Getting thrown into a tree hurt way less than you ignoring me,” 

Remus tensed up and you let out a steadying breath before turning to face him. It looked like the fury had left him too but now he was left looking like a kicked puppy and you were certain you looked the same. 

You poked and prodded at him until his legs were out in front of him and you could comfortably situate yourself in his lap. Taking his cheeks in your hands you sent him a glare that held no heat. 

“Promise me that this is the last time that we’ll have this conversation.” 

“I can’t,” Remus whined, trying to tilt his head back to avoid your stare but you held him in place. Eventually he gave up and set his hands on your hips to steady himself even as he pouted. “Im not going to keep risking you,” 

“I signed up for it, just like the other boys, and you wouldn’t ever do this to them,” 

“You’re not them,” It was whispered on an exhale, barely there, but you heard it all the same. You were waiting for the offense to fill you up and reignite the fire of your anger but his voice had been cracked, nervous, different. 

“Do you know the lengths that I’d go for you,” You asked instead of picking a fight, thumbs brushing feather light against his cheekbones. “That I’d do anything to make sure you’re okay?”

“I do, and that’s why I need you to hate me,” 

Looking at him now, with his doe eyes framed by long lashes and a frown that had melted into a pout, you were liable to forget that he was the biggest idiot you had ever met. 

“What world are you living in Remus, where you could ever be hated by me?” You mocked his previous words, yet it still rang true. No matter what, your heart would be his and there couldn’t be a single thing that could sour or change that. 

“A world where you’re safe,” He whispered as he tangled his fingers in the hair at the nape of your neck, the air shifting and making the bubble you two were in seem much more private. Like raising your voice above that low whisper would pop it and break this spell. 

“With or without you Remus, none of us are safe right now, not with news of death eaters and the Dark Lord popping up in the Daily Prophet every other day. Why spend our last year of school miserable and missing one another? Why miss out on memories and things to fight for once we’re out of here? I trust you and you’re the last thing I’d ever be frightened of,” 

At some point, Remus had tilted your head forward, your noses brushing as you spoke. You could feel your heart fighting it’s way through your chest and you hoped he couldn’t hear it. 

“Can we please stop fighting over this? I meant it when I said I missed you,” 

“I know,” Remus breathed out. “I’m sorry, I just can’t help but think one day I’ll do something that can’t be fixed with spell or tonic. It seemed better to hurt you emotionally and push you away than wait for something permanent to take you away from me. I’d rather see you happy far away from me than hurting beside me and because of me,” 

Tired of trying to explain how the last place you wanted to be was far away from him, you guided Remus the last inch between you and placed your lips against his. You’d been worrying at yours for weeks and you were certain they were chapped but the moment Remus clued into the pressure he pulled you in tighter against him, sitting up a bit further so that he could deepen the kiss. 

There weren’t fireworks or explosions, just a steady and familiar warmth filling you from head to toe. Before the past few weeks you and Remus had been flirting playfully and pushing boundaries just to see who would break first and finally cross the line between friends and more and now you were finally taking the plunge. 

The kiss was steady and slow, an even give and take that didn’t demand more. An exchange of words said and unsaid.

You were the first to pull away and your chest filled with giddy bubbles when you saw Remus tilt forward in the hopes to capture your lips again. 

“You never said we were done with this silly fight,” You pointed out and Remus groaned, squeezing your hips in fond exasperation. 

“It might be something we talk about later, but for now, I promise that I wont pull a stunt like this again,” 

Each look of shock and howl of pain had made your legs turn to jelly and the blood in your veins churn slowly as you froze up. Your hand had still been hovering just above the hilt of your dagger, still sheathed, as your friends-- your family-- fought for their lives. It wasn't the first time, yet it was the first time that your hesitance had resulted in bloodshed.

The chaos that day was enough that no one seemed to notice the pallid cast to your teary eyes or the quivering of your bottom lip. The dwarves, wizard, and hobbit who you had spent weeks with were made of something stronger as they forgot of the attack the moment they were stitched up and found another place to set up camp.

You were grateful that your emotions escaped the scrutiny of your dearest friends as you all gathered around a fire that night. The warmth of the flames were beginning to become too much as you all just sat. Weren't they concerned? What if you were to be attacked again? What if Thorin- what if anyone you cared for- befell a fate more terrible than a wound that could be stitched up?

They have nothing to fear, they are warriors. You are the fool who hesitated. If they are to die it will be because of your mistakes.

Suddenly, you couldn't take in a full breath of air.

You would blame the choked gasp that escaped you instead on the smoke rising from the fire as you stood abruptly, hands squeezed into fists. Your nails were biting into your palms and it was all you could do to ground yourself as you took shaky steps away from the fire.

"I'll be back!" You tried to inform everyone but your voice came out quiet and trembling. Only Thorin caught your words, having been seated a foot away from you on his bedroll. He gave a sharp nod and you stumbled over every step you took until the laughter and conversation of your friends had faded into a muted buzz. The fire was a speck when you looked behind you.

You fell to your knees in the high grass, dew seeping into the knees of your trousers. You took a deep inhale, held it for three seconds-- one... two...three...-- and attempted to exhale at a similar pace. You couldn't fall apart, not when there were people counting on you.

Go ahead, fall apart. They know when the time comes you won't be of any use. Thorin knows that you can not be depended upon.

Your own thoughts were a hard right hook to your fragile state and you dug your palms into your eyes to hold back tears. "I've got to get out of here,"

"Do you truly mean such words?"

You froze in place, once again rendered immovable by an ambush. You had certainly not expected anyone to follow after you, let alone the holder of your heart and the source of your courage on the roughest of days.

"I-I... Thorin what are you doing here?" You offered lamely, trying to coax your body into moving. You tried to stand but you were feeling such whiplash that instead you stayed on the grass, choosing to face Thorin despite the redness of your cheeks and the glassiness of your eyes.

"You seem....unwell,"

The dwarf before you seemed uncomfortable, his eyes darting around the dark landscape spread out around you all. The two of you had this clearing all to yourself, your company tucked into the trees; eating rabbit stew and laughing. It seemed Thorin would be much happier in their company. Your head began to spin again but locked onto the only possibility. He must be here to reprimand you.

"It wont happen again, I promise!" You hurried to say but you felt fear well up in the pit of your stomach. What if it did happen again? "I froze and that is unacceptable but I need to see this through Thorin, I need to be here," Even if it's as a shield, I can be of use.

Thorin's gruff features warped into a mix of understanding and confusion. Your fearless leader knelt in the grass, so near that you could feel the heat radiating off of him. If you reached out you could touch his chest, tuck a lock of hair behind his ear, hold his hand. It would never be welcome, but you longed to prove yourself to Thorin and to win his heart.

"I merely mean to say that you seem bothered from today's events," Thorin supplied and you pressed your lips into a thin line to keep from rambling all of your overwhelming thoughts and apologies.

"You are a brilliant and necessary member of this company Y/N. What occurred today was my fault alone. If I'd only anticipated..." Thorin's eyes were distant, a thunder cloud darkening his features. "You could have been injured or worse today and I understand if you are questioning my abilities as the head of this company. I vow to you that I will be more cautious from now-"

Your eyes felt as if they were bulging from their sockets, your shock at Thorin becoming shy and uncertain in front of you made your heart swell with affection and your belly burn with the need to protect him. You were terrified of being a useless body on this adventure when Thorin seemed to have the same damning beliefs occasionally.

"I will follow you anywhere you go, Thorin Oakenshield, I trust you with my life, and would protect you with it as well," You spoke quickly, that need to comfort him encouraging you to take his hand. It wasn't as if you had never touched the dwarf before, you knew that his hands were calloused and worn with work and battle but also gentle and steady. Yet, you were bewildered at the butterflies in your stomach that erupted at the simple gesture.

Thorin was seemingly taken aback by the conviction in your previously tremoring voice because he looked at you with saucers for eyes and that stormy grey brightened. You dropped his hand.

"I know you will, mudùmel,"His nickname for you familiar in all but definition. You wished he would give you relief and help you understand but no one seemed eager to tell on Thorin. You hoped it was nothing too cruel. He didn't seem to be the type of dwarf to mock those he led to battle however, so you held some hope it was fond.

"But I can see the toll that our journey has taken on your mind. I too have collapsed under the weight of freezing in battle and the consequences that followed have never left my mind. You were not at fault and I hate to see the torment in your eyes."

"Thorin, what if-"

"No," He sighed softly. "Please do not venture down roads that are better left untraveled. I have unending faith in you, Y/N. You belong here and I will stand for no one, not even yourself, questioning that. All I can ask of you is that you keep taking one step in front of the other and that you never doubt your place in this company."

The world had stopped spinning long ago, your breath returned to a rhythmic inhale and exhale as Thorin picked at the jagged pieces of your mind and then smoothed them over. Your feelings weren't going to vanish but you did feel a spark of pride in yourself-- Thorin surely lending you some of his own pride in you.

"Thank you," Your gratitude was clear on your face and you prayed that Thorin would not look deeper and see the love you held for him. For now, gratitude and respect would be all that was between you two and it was all you needed.

"Come," Thorin offered his hand as he stood, accepting your thanks. "We belong with the rest of our company,"

As you walked side by side with Thorin, taking one step in front of the other, you became synchronized with the dwarf beside you and the steady strides you took to the camp helped kick away the last tendrils of worry and self doubt that had been so violently plaguing you before.

Thorin didn't drop your hand until Kili sent him a questioning look with a waggle of his eyebrows.

He wouldn’t ever claim to say that he wasn’t loved. Draco knew very well that his mother held him near to her heart even when she couldn’t be there to hold him herself. He also knew that despite his father’s misgivings, the man held deep pride but also crippling fear for the son that reminded him so much of himself. It was their love that drove them away as he grew older and he couldn’t blame them. If he had his own child, and if he saw them following in his footsteps, he would do anything to point them in another direction even if that meant damaging their relationship. 

But what Draco couldn’t do right now was feel less lonely. He could understand, he could forgive, and he could love. Yet, when the walls began to inch forward and his lungs slowly restricted and the army under his skin stomped to the tune of a death march, he simply could not banish the loneliness that fed it all. It wasn’t easy to cut his misery off at the source because he had locked himself into this cycle. 

The Malfoy Manor was one of grand stone walls and dark corners, but it paled in comparison to the steel fortress Draco had erected around his heart. It had been an effort to strengthen himself, to block out everything he didn’t need so that he could become a legend, or at the very least someone to remember even once he was buried with the sands of time. Instead, he had locked himself within those steel walls and thrown away the key. Draco had enough to keep himself going, at first. Picking on those beneath him during his early years of school was food slid under the door but now he was starving, nothing being able to give him any satisfaction or peace of mind. 

That’s not true. A traitorous voice in his head whispered. All you have to do is ask, and peace will be brought to you.

And he knew that it was true-- all he had to do was ask, take a leap of faith and he would have the balm he needed to give him a breath of fresh air, to warm his skin and leave him with only a dopey smile on his face. 

Taking a shuddering breath, Draco pressed his back against his bedroom wall until his spine ached and then he stood. His legs felt weak beneath him but his heart was beating stronger than before. Draco had acted out of cowardice many times before but now he was in need and he wouldn’t let himself go without any longer. 

The tips of his fingers tingled with cold as needles pricked at his skin from the chill in the air. He ambled over to his desk and ignored the unsatisfactory sensation, preferring to grip his quill tight and take a deep breath. The parchment on his desk was odorless but when he took the ornate glass cap off of his inkpot he got a startling image of visits to the library, the rustle of pages and the gentle press of a steady presence at his side-- reminded of someone tucked comfortably under his arm. 

The memory spread warmth to his fingers and cheeks and his next exhale didn’t sound so ragged. It spurred him on to imprint his thoughts onto paper, fumbling to secure the letter to his owl’s leg. His eagle-owl Ulysses gave him an appraising look with eyes like a sunset. As a child he had found his owl frightening and it had made him feel important, but those familiar eyes and affectionate nips from Ulysses’ beak had become one of his few constants. 

“I’d send you off with a biscuit but you’ll get plenty spoiled where you’re going,” Draco hummed, brushing at the ruffled feathers of Ulysses’ neck. 

The owl understood his destination and therefore understood that he would indeed be spoiled rotten, the faster he flew, the sooner he’d be given the highest quality treats an owl could ever hope to have. 

“Let us hope she comes back with you,” Draco sighed, watching his winged friend kick off from his window sill without so much as a look back. 

Draco returned to his spot, curled up on the hard mahogany flooring. If you did not arrive tonight, he would remain there until morning-- picking up the pieces of himself that he had let loose in the quiet respite of his loneliness. 

--

The letter was short and concise. 

Darling Y/N,

     please, be here. 

It didn’t have to be addressed for you to know that Draco was sending you an SOS. It was rare that he ever asked for a source of safety when he was being chased by his demons but you were more than happy to shield him for as long as he needed. You were torn between feeling pleased and feeling uncontrollably worried. 

Pleased because you had never thought that Draco would trust you enough to call on you in a time of need. Worried because he must truly be buried deep in his mind if he was asking for you, pleading for you. 

“Thank you Ulysses,” You smiled warmly at the owl even as your stomach twisted, taking but two moments to fill his belly with delectable snacks and to fill his heart with affectionate pets. Draco would have your head if you didn’t take proper care of his owl after a lengthy flight. 

You kicked off your sweatpants and changed into jeans and a sweater. It was late into the night and you hadn’t expected to be going anywhere but you were fully prepared to support Draco. You were unbothered as you shuffled around your bedroom to put a bookmark in what you’d been reading and to lock your door so your mother didn’t barge in the next morning to find an empty bed. 

“Get on then, you know I’ll be beating you there,” You spoke over your shoulder as you tidied the rest of your things, folding the pajamas you had been wearing and setting on your pillow. Chances were low that you would be back home tonight. 

Ulysses followed your instruction and you latched the window behind him. Before the owl was gone from sight you were taking a steady breath and imagining the room you had spent much time in. High, structured ceilings and inky blue walls framed the space and the wood under your feet was smooth- not a single notch in the perfect floor. Draco’s bed had a plush grey set of duck feather pillows and a duvet that could rival a hug from a loved one. You imagined his suits hanging neatly in his closet, his jumpers and shoes laying kicked about in both laziness and frustration. His books from the school year would still be sitting in his trunk, untouched but annotated. 

There was a sharp tug in your stomach, a snap in your ears, and then you were weightless. 

--

Draco’s knees were pulled to his chest, his face pressed against his knees as he let time pass him by. It could have been hours since he’d sent that letter, or mere seconds, and he would have no clue. The ticking of clocks bothered him, a reminder of the time he felt, knew, he didn’t have. Therefore, the solution was to remove all clocks from his bedroom and the near vicinity. 

If he couldn’t hear it or see it, it didn’t matter. 

However, he certainly heard your clumsy entrance. There was a shift in the air and then you were taking four overextended steps right into his dresser. He lifted his head after you were done cussing the item for being exactly where you knew it would be and he felt some of the tension in his jaw release. 

“One day I’ll get it,” You groaned, always having been able to apparate properly but never being able to balance after landing. 

“Hmm,” Draco hummed, thoughtlessly. You hadn’t arrived even a full minute ago and already things were....quieter. The thrumming of blood in his ears wasn’t as amplified and the pinpricks at his fingertips were melting away. Pushing off of the floor, Draco was not at all surprised when you were the first to reach for him. 

The way you went from playfully irritated to concerned over him made his heart jerk against the walls you’d completely ignored from day one. Your arms circled around his waist once he was on steady feet. He felt you instinctively rest your ear over his heart, the palm of one of your hands warm against the small of his back and the other supporting the space between his shoulder blades. 

“Hello, love,” Draco murmured into your hair, his shoulders drooping with his resolve to play being strong. 

You didn’t speak, only pressed him tighter against you. Draco shivered in your embrace, your warmth reminding him how cold he felt as you squeezed the ice out of him. You knew he appreciated the lack of words, opting to show you by pressing a lingering kiss against your hairline. 

Locked behind walls he’d made, starved of connection and too proud to admit it, Draco let himself fall apart in the safety net that you dragged underneath him without his permission. 

When his parents couldn’t be there, couldn’t hold him and give him their time, you could be. You held him together and gave him parts of you in the hopes next time the pieces wouldn’t cut at him while he reformed into the untouchable and infallible young man he had to be when facing the rest of the world. 

“Darling Draco,” You spoke into the echoing spaces of his too-large bedroom, pulling apart just enough to press your lips against his jaw. “I will always be here,” 

“Lost in my eyes again, Y/N?” Fred asked, a playful tilt to his mouth. You were in the library, head buried in a book and not at all gazing into Fred’s honeyed eyes. You must’ve not heard him come in so when you looked up and saw him you couldn’t help the warmth that blossomed in your chest. 

You liked the way his lips were pulled up by an invisible thread as you finally took notice of him.  It wasn’t quite a smile, but a familiar expression that you held dear to your heart. It was understated, especially for Fred Weasley, but the expression was one of his most sincere. 

“Can’t help the fact you’ve got dreamy eyes, George,” 

“Sod off,” Fred said with no real venom, sitting in the chair beside yours and kicking his feet up onto the table. He was lucky Madam Pince didn’t often come to this corner of the library, otherwise she’d have his head.

You stuck your tongue out at him, even daring to toss a quill at his head- but before you could he caught your hand and held on tight. Your bright grin wavered at the edges but that joy was still blooming in your chest. Suffocation was a sure thing. 

“Everything okay, Freddie?” Voice soft, slow. You understood sometimes he just needed a hand to hold and you wouldn’t let yourself believe it was more than that. What it was, was Fred trusting you and needing you as a friend and that was more than enough. 

He nodded, his eyelids heavy and his demeanor sluggish. He almost seemed like a sleepy cat but you could see the way his shoulders dipped as you posed your question. 

Fred squeezed your hand as he sank down into his chair, knees now drawn to his chest in a protective ball. “Course I am, nothing could ever be wrong when I’ve got you to tether me to what’s good,” 

--

Your knees buckled as you stumbled the last foot to where Fred lay. Unmoving, broken, probably not breathing- You shook your head wildly even as the tears burned and your brain ached. Just like every other wizard, every other soldier at Hogwarts today, you had your fair share of injuries but you felt the pain dull to nothing; Your vision tunneled to the familiar hand that stuck out from the rubble, the feather soft shock of red hair that was visible under all the grey, lifeless stone. 

With a flick of your hand, some of the rubble broke loose and found themselves discarded on the burned and torn up grass ten feet from you. The panic pounding at your ribcage was only eased by the determination you felt to get Fred out of there, alive. There was no other option. 

Waves would stand still without the moon, plants would dry up without water, and you would cease to be anything but a shell without Fred Weasley. 

--

It had been an honest mistake at the time, George had tugged you away after class one day to an empty corridor and nearly begged you to ask Fred and put the both of you out of your “self sabotaging misery”. Problem was, all Katie Bell saw was George whisking you away somewhere private a week before the ball was to commence, both of you dateless. 

By the time you had both gone to the great hall for lunch, your group of friends were deep into speculations. 

“Going to the ball with Y/N then?” Fred fixed George with a look you couldn’t quite decipher but the shock of him thinking such a thing had you missing that usual twitch of his eye when he was aggravated. 

George whipped his head to you in confusion but it went unnoticed when Lee said, “Great! Of course you two got dates before me,” gesturing wildly to the twins. 

All of the confusion had your head spinning but hearing that Fred had a date to the ball made you steady again, the lead pit in your stomach anchoring you. Anyone would be a fool to not want to go with Fred. 

“You’ve got a date?” You said a bit too loudly, eyes narrowed at Fred. 

“Asked Angie,” 

“Yeah, two minutes ago,” She snorted. “Guess he didn’t want George to beat him by too much of a landslide,”  

George let out a too-loud laugh and tossed his arm back over your shoulders. “Take that Lee, we got two of the hottest girls in school to be our dates,” 

“Go with me instead and I’ll buy you as many sugar quills as your heart desires, Y/N” Lee bargained and George swatted him on the back of a head with a faux glare. 

You couldn’t help but snort at Lee’s antics, looking at George with gratitude. You could tell he was trying to talk you up, keep your heart from falling too far. However, his efforts couldn’t completely ease the ache in your chest. You were tethered to Fred and you didn’t think anything could change that. 

--

You’d done your best to completely immobilize Fred when most of the rubble was removed, only some of the smaller chunks of wall now littered over his legs and back. The immobulus charm had to be enough to keep him stable. If he was still alive. 

It was the uncertainty that kept you going in this moment. If there was even a slim chance Fred could be alive, you would do all you could to save him. You refused to lose him and that was that. You wished you could see his chest moving, or any sign of life but he was still too buried and the dust that settled over the battlefield made your eyes unfocused. 

Even though the final battle had ended an hour or more ago, how long had it been since you’d found Fred?, you were shut off from any of the joy that the win could have brought you. If Fred wasn’t going to be there to celebrate then how could you? 

“We’ve got to fix up the shop a-and get butterbeers,” You sniffled, trying to keep your hands from shaking as you worked your way through the rubble. You kept speaking as if holding Fred to his promises would bring him over the threshold and into your waiting arms. 

“You’ve got to give me that birthday present you’ve been bragging about for months, and you’ve got to help me prank Lee for singeing my favorite sweater with one of your fireworks,”

And on and on you went, all of the promises Fred had ever made you falling from your lips as you pulled the last of the rubble from his body. One of his legs and all of the fingers on his right hand were bent at grotesque angles. There was a line of blood that started somewhere behind his hairline and trailed down his temple, dripping off of his jaw and onto the ruins he had nearly become a permanent part of. 

You wouldn’t permit your legs to shake as you stood, the sun being further down in the sky than you remembered. The wave of your wand was light and methodical even as every step towards help weighed you down. 

Time passed you without you taking note, the sun sank beneath the horizon and you stumbled your way through the dark. Eventually, you were taken off guard by the light of someone’s wand. Time caught up to you then as you stared with bleary eyes, trying to recognize the face before you but having a hard time sorting anything in your over exhausted brain. 

“Help him,” Was all you had energy for, before darkness took over. 

--

“...understand how she did it,” 

“...miracle, really,” 

“Poor girl must’ve....” 

Conversations floated around your head as you lay cemented underneath the sheets that you had been securely wrapped in. You wanted nothing more than to swat them away like pesky flies, the voices weren’t loud but to you it was as if someone had put a speaker in the empty space of your skull and turned the volume up as high as it could go. Everything ached. 

“Am I dead?” You croaked, eyelids still too heavy to even attempt opening. 

Immediately, a woman nearly screamed and a cacophony of other voices rose up- both familiar and not. 

“You look like you wish you were,” Someone joked to your left and your eyes snapped open so quickly you became dizzy. You felt frozen in place as honey eyes swept over you from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Despite being covered from the chin down you felt as if you were being looked through. A shiver ran down your spine and it was followed by a deep ache that had you groaning despite the emotions bubbling up within you. 

“Damn you Fred,” Was all you had to say before everyone else around you was clearing out. For a split second you felt guilt when you realized your parents as well as the Weasleys had come to stand beside you as you healed. 

“I’ve come back from the brink of death and that’s what you have to say to me?” He teased but his voice was torn to shreds and you had the terrible image in your mind of him screaming for help until he lost consciousness. The blood drained from your face. 

Fred seemed to take notice as he shuffled out of his bed that was right next to yours. He paused at the edge, fumbling for the crutches that were at his bedside. It felt like years the time it took for him to fall into the chair nearest you, his hand stretching for yours. 

You moved pathetically against the sheets but in your weakened state you couldn’t grasp his hand. “Freddie,” You croaked, eyes filling with tears in frustration. You’d thought him dead and now you couldn’t even move a damn blanket to touch him, to make sure this wasn’t a dream. 

“I’m here,” He reassured, moving the sheets on your side gently until your hand was free and you could tangle your fingers with his non-broken hand. 

“How?” 

“I’ve been telling you for years now, you’re my tether. Just when I thought I was going to cross over, I heard you. All the promises we made, and all the chaos we have yet to make, all the things I haven’t said,” Fred’s bottom lip trembled as he brushed his thumb over your scabbed knuckles. You were faintly aware of a needle in your forearm, attached to an IV but all that mattered was the warmth you felt from Fred. 

“You could break them all and I’d still be counting my lucky stars that you’re here,” You cried, falling into a coughing fit. Fred was quick to press a still cold glass of water into your hands and help you sit up even from his place on his chair. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” He promised, hand remaining at the back of your neck as he settled you against your pillows. That genuine not-smile was back and you chewed on your lip to keep from crying again. You still weren’t sure he was here so any reminder that it was really him had you at a breaking point. 

“Can you make me one more promise then?” You caught his gaze but found you couldn’t hold it, the intensity making your stomach swoop and your heart pound against your rattled ribcage. 

Fred had yet to move, his hand steady behind you and his face close. Your noses were nearly touching as he said, “Anything.” 

“Don’t scare me like that ever again,” 

You chanced one more look at him, eyes wide and pleading. You were going to make him promise on everything in him but the rest of your words were lost when you stumbled over the loud adoration in his eyes. As if on autopilot, you removed your hand from his to brush your fingertips against a gash on his cheek. 

“Never again,” He whispered, frozen in place. He didn’t dare move when you let your movements wander over his lips, taking your time before you let your hand fall against the junction of where his shoulder met his neck. Beneath the collar of the hospital gown you could see garish bruising that only served as another reminder you’d almost lost him. 

That was enough to remind you that there was much unsaid between you and the man you loved. You could feel his shaky breath, his hand squeezing yours just enough that you felt the reassuring pressure. When you took your third look at those eyes, you knew. 

You moved at the same time, in tune to one another in a way you always have been. It was with a sigh that your lips met, frightened and curious and wonderful. You were careful of his head would as you played with the hair at the back of his neck and he made sure not to move you anymore than tilting your head to slot your lips against his at a better angle. 

Fred pulled away when his smile dared to take over his face but you couldn’t complain about the loss when you could feel his pulse beating strongly against your fingers, his chest moving steadily with life. 

“I’m just as tied to you as you are to me,” You laughed softly, in disbelief. 

Fred looked surprised for all but a second before he was placing his lips against yours, cautious but deliriously happy. 

Your contentment could not only be attributed to your, nearly, carefree friends and the fine weather. Nor could it only be Bombur’s stew which was often enough to lift your spirits on even the worst of days, especially when the company’s resources became low and rations had to be cut short. Tonight, your joy was brought upon by the beacon of light who was not quite two yards from you, sweat glistening on his brow as he grappled with his brother. 

Fili’s smirk was sharp at the corner but his eyes were bright with mirth and you longed to see that joy directed at you, because of you. It was no secret to many in the company where your heart was being kept. Thankfully, the dwarf himself wasn’t aware of how twisted around his finger you were. You’d spent many of your nights on this perilous journey frightened that you wouldn’t see the next morning and that Fili would never know of your dedication to him, yet when you found yourself with the words on the tip of your tongue the fear of losing him to rejection became more terrifying. 

You could survive anything so long as you could keep Fili in your life, no matter in what capacity it would be. 

Unaware that you had drifted off into a dreamy state, eyes glued to your loved one, you startled easily when Bombur sat beside you, bumping your shoulder with his. 

“If ye stare much longer, I fear your eyes won’t be able to see anything but him,” Bombur chuckled lowly, keeping his voice subdued so the others around you would not hear. You were grateful for it, even on the off chance any of them tuned into your now private conversation.

A warmth crept into your cheeks and it had nothing to do with the fire that was now quite a bit shorter than the last time you’d taken notice, the crackling of the wood now a pleasant instrument in the night’s symphony. 

“I hadn’t even realized I’d been looking,” You admitted truthfully. You were certainly the dedicated moth, but Fili could never be the flame. There was not a single bone in his body that could ever cause harm to someone he cared for and you were gratefully someone he called “friend”. To be more accurate, he was the sun and the moon. You were dependent on his warmth and his light and without him you were certain you couldn’t go on. 

“I think it’s time to tell him, lass,” Bombur spoke gently but firmly, velvet laid over steel. It was one of your favorite traits of your best friend. He was unmovable in many things but he was also tentative and caring. You were grateful that he hadn’t pushed you more on this subject but you could tell he was growing wary of your pining. 

“Now is not the time,” Your voice sounded weak in your ears, the argument flimsy in the face of Death, whom you met with nearly daily. 

“Let us hope nothing keeps you from the future you wish for,” Bombur sighed, lips curled up in loving melancholy. You knew he didn’t mean for the words to bite at your skin and pierce your heart but you also knew he was not wrong in voicing it. 

You lived an uncertain life and “now” was the only certainty you had. 

Fili and Kili had tired themselves out by the light of the moon, their playfighting dying down into insults wrapped in brotherly love and the repetitive bump of a shoulder and now the two had come to sit at the end of the very trunk you found yourself leaning against. Bombur had left you with your thoughts for the better part of an hour and now the very topic of your worries and hopes and feelings was seated a foot away and you were surprised to find his eyes already on you.

“Gehyith, what is it that has you frowning so?” Fili asked, his mustache twitching at the ends as he smiled gleefully, “Could it be Kili’s stench? I told him we’d all die from the severity of it if he does not find a lake soon,” 

You couldn’t help the laugh the bubbled up from deep in your stomach, your head thrown back with the force of your amusement- especially once Kili let out a dignified and offended gasp, shoving his brother off of the stump before he took his leave with only an eye roll. Fili couldn’t help his own chuckle, knowing Kili wasn’t bothered by his comment. 

Kili’s absence brought you relief and a swirling anxiety all in the same breath. Alone time with Fili seemed a precious gift, yet you feared every second with him would lead you closer to your end. Now, you were certain tonight- this stunning, perfect, night- would be your last. For Fili had taken it upon himself to slide closer to you, even going so far as to slide off the stump and sit beside you, his thigh and shoulder warm against yours. Not sure what to do with your hands, you folded them lamely in your lap. 

“How was-” 

You were cut short, a pitiful whimper falling from your lips when Fili’s fingertips drifted delicately against your cheekbone, a strand of your hair pushed behind your ear. His skin was well-worn leather and your stomach was in knots. 

“Come again?” Fili asked innocently, his brow quirked up towards his hairline. His fingers trailed down your neck, his nails making a shiver break out down your spine despite the balmy air. 

“J-just was wondering how you are fairing today,” You mumbled when his path continued to the ends of your hair, his fingers tangling easily there as he played with the loose and wild strands. 

Those rosy lips of his were upturned, his eyes molten gold. “I think it has been one of the best days I’ve experienced yet,” 

Growing comfortable in his affection, you were able to contain yourself enough to jest. “You are ancient, so that must be quite the feat,” 

Your love’s boisterous laugh was your most favorite noise and you felt your smile grow painfully wider. “Y/N, you are so cruel to me,” Fili teased, pulling the ends of your hair and then returning his hand to your scalp to lightly massage your aching head- another permanent sensation you had grown used to on this adventure. His strong and determined hands eased the dull throb for a short while and the relief was so wonderful you let yourself lean against his open hand. 

It was not strange for you and Fili to be close, he was a dwarf who cared deeply for his friends and he was not above pulling each and every one of them close to share hugs, shed tears, and celebrate. You felt some pride, however, recognizing that you had never seen him play with anyone’s hair but yours. It was a treat for you alone and even though it nearly rendered you speechless every time, you were glad for his continued practice of turning you to mush. 

“You know I love you,” You spoke honestly, but the words themselves were innocent enough to Fili’s ears as you had told him this sentiment time and time again without revealing to which depth you loved him. 

“Aye, I know it, gehyith,” He hummed, head leaned back and eyes closed. The low firelight flickered against his throat and you wondered what he would taste like if you placed your lips there. 

“One day I will get Bombur to tell me what insult you have chosen as my nickname,” You giggled, giddy off of his presence. It surely was no help to you when he brought his arm around your shoulder, only to keep his fingers twister in your hair- his hand now cradling your head. 

“One day I will tell you myself,” Fili said with suddenly certainty, his eyes capturing yours with an intensity that made you feel as if you had missed something. 

“One day,” You mimed back, your gaze only parting from his quickly enough to peak at the inviting curve of his mouth. 

It was a promise to yourself, and him, that one day in the future you would tell him that your chest had been empty for months now, your heart having stole away to find a home in the palm of his hand. 

For now, you could not jeopardize the slice of heaven you found yourself in. 

Your future was not promised, yet in his touch, the present seemed to be a gift worth holding onto. 

--