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“this is one of the reasons i’m non-binary. i cant handle the gender standards and stuff. i just wanna be a human, that’s it.”

“i’m a bit scared that that is the true reason i want to be nb. i’ll never be a pretty girl, but i could be a very handsome they/them”

“its bc the standards for women are so exacting and strict but nonbinary can be literally anything so as long as ur urself that is hot”

“ok so im gender fluid and i go by all pronouns and I've realized that when i don't look my best i usually go for he/him”

and my fucking favorite:

“if you feel ugly as a girl maybe it’s a sign that’s not your gender.”

anything you learned from porn, forget it, actresses in porn get traumatized and injured and you do not want to do that to your partner

if you want any kind of real intimacy you’ll have to quit porn for a long time before trying

sex is not about showing off so don’t try to do things at your partner’s expense that you’re not sure they’ll enjoy

if your partner looks uncomfortable, stop.

if your partner gets tense, quiet, frozen, or their body goes limp when it shouldn’t, stop immediately! this is a trauma reaction and you’re hurting them if you continue.

if your partner sounds weird, withdraws physically, or you get any subtle hint that they do not want to do this with you, stop and let them go.

nobody owes you wanting to be intimate with you, not even long-term partners

don’t ever say any shit that would make your partner feel guilty for not wanting to do something. this is coercion and goes under rape category. if they don’t want to do it, they’re not supposed to do it.

no insults or slurs during intimacy. you do not want to say anything harmful to a person who is vulnerable in front of you.

no forceful actions. no restraining your partner so they can’t defend themselves properly. no putting your partner into any situation where they can’t safely fight back if they don’t like what’s going on. let your partner have every possible out and not depend solely on ther trust that you wont hurt them, not even you know if you’ll hurt them.

put your ego aside and put feelings of your partner first. your ego will recover if it gets hurt, your partner might not.

no violence, injuries, or inflicting pain on your partner. not even if they ask you to. you don’t want to aid someone in their self-harm via you as proxy. You do not want to learn to get off on someone’s pain. You will turn into a sociopath and your empathy towards your partner will lessen until it disappears, and they will learn to accept violence as a form of love. this is abuse of both of you.

do not get intimate with people you actually want to injure. this is unsafe both for you and them.

if you want to role-play, please do not even think about appropriating slavery, rape, pedophilia, power abuse and torture as a part of your game. It’s disrespectful to all of the victims of these atrocities, and it does not indicate a person emotionally healthy enough to engage in intimacy.

do not make your partner self conscious about their appearance, you do not want them worrying about their body when they should be enjoying themselves

if you don’t put any focus or effort on making your partner feel good you basically just used their body to masturbate and it doesn’t even count (this applies to men who use their partner’s bodies without consideration)

don’t attempt anything without considering what long term consequences it might have for your partner (contracting diseases, pregnancy, trauma, emotional pain)

the mood is not as important as your partner’s feelings

remember that everyone desires to feel wanted, so if you want your partner make sure they feel that way, show them.

do not harm your partner’s dignity

I have recently began to listen more to terf communities, as I found myself agreeing with everything completely I also began to question a situation I was in with a TIM. I have really wanted to express my feelings on what happened.

About two years ago I was completely excepting of transgender identities and as a bisexual woman I had seen no issue with dating a trans woman. After being asked out and beginning to date him I noticed he was extremely sexual and everytime I saw him we would have to have sex. He would also look at porn all the time, and constantly turn any conversation sexual.

From the beginning I started to feel uncomfortable and was questioning breaking up, but I didn't have much relationship experience and was afraid of breaking up and how to go about it.

During sex he would look at porn and had multiple times told me things he didn't like about my appearance. He knew I struggled with an eating disorder and had recently gained weight after recovering, but would comment on how he wished I was thinner. After seeing my old pictures from when I was sick I remember him saying, "You're cute now, but wow you looked so good back then." which hurt so bad.

He had a fetish for exposing himself publicly and forcing me to do so. I was uncomfortable with it and would constantly say no all the time. I was forced to give oral sex in a public space against my will. I insisted I didn't want to, but after I was pushed to do it I decided I didn't want to make a scene and got it over with.

Later in the relationship we went to the gym together. I had no idea he was going to use the womens locker room. I expressed being uncomfortable with that and was told that it made him feel bad. When I go to the gym I like to have a light workout then swim in the pool they have, when I change into my bathing suit I've always done so in a stall. When I attempted to go into the stall he told me that I had to change in the open part of the locker room with him since he was nervous exposing his penis in a womans locker room. I tried to encourage him to just use the stall, but it wasn't going to happen so I changed with him quickly and was praying no one came into the locker room at that time. To this day I still feel guilty for that, I feel like I allowed him to expose himself there.

He kept suggesting to have CNC roleplay no matter how much I said I wouldn't like to, he would describe exactly how he would rape me.

(This one is the most graphic) During one night he wanted to have sex, while I was handcuffed and use the vibrating magic wand on me. This wand isn't supposed to be inserted since it's extremely large. I never told him it was ok to put it inside of me. The second I felt it go in, it wasn't vibrating at this point I told him to stop. He then turned the switch on and was thrusting it inside of me, not taking it out like moving it in me. I was screaming at this point that it hurts. When he removed it and uncuffed me I saw blood on the toy and shouted that there was blood on it. He then looked down at me and said, "Oh my god that's a lot of blood." I put my hand up to it and felt it extremely wet, not like normal. When I pulled my hand up it was covered in blood. I started to panic and he told me to go to the bathroom. After I sat on the toilet bleeding and in pain he drove me to the store so I could get pads, PH safe feminine wipes (toliet paper hurt because of what happened and how much blood I had kept wiping), and some extra strength painkillers that didn't help. When I went to the gynecologist later on she told me it was a vaginal tear. It wasn't extreme enough to need stitches or anything like that as the night it happened the bleeding did stop, but I still wanted to see a OBGYN to make sure everything was ok. Before seeing the OBGYN my ex still wanted to have sex when it hadnt been long at all since the injury. At one point I started to have thick discharge and he saw it and called it disgusting (the OBGYN said the discharge was cause of the tear and because it was healing) after seeing the tear he then didn't want to have vaginal sex, and said we should do anal. I didn't want to, but felt like I might as well just do it instead of arguing.

Eventually one night I had a horrible breakdown and began crying so much. I begged him over and over to leave my house because I just wanted to be alone. He said he would leave, but first wanted to take some of my clothes and began picking out things of mine he wanted to wear. When he did leave I called a friend and began crying and asking if she or anyone of our friends would be mad at me for breaking up with him. (They all knew and were friends with him.) She encouraged me to break up with him and said things that I thought at the time were transphobic. When I explained the injury and the discharge she said "That is why he will never be a woman." I completely agree with her sentiment and realize that she actually cared for and wanted to protect me.

After the breakup he kept contacting me and followed me and the friend to a coffee shop once. I realized he could see my location on snapchat. After completely blocking I havent seen him since, which I'm very glad about.

Discovering these groups has made me realize I completely agree with radfems and also made me think about this situation a lot. I feel he was clearly an AGP and was addicted to sex. I feel like realizing he wasn't a woman and that what he was doing was wrong and admitting is good because I don't have to feel wrong being angry or upset about what happened. I felt like if I even talked about it to my friends who knew him I'd be seen as transphobic. When I did hear the one friend condemning him by saying he was wrong and he would never be a woman, I felt like she was transphobic. I feel as well very guilty over what happened in the locker room and I am so glad no one did come in.

Some guy really wanted to hear all the rape stories and they said no.

Then the rape shelter was vandalized. Talk about punching down! The ultimate abuse was they had funding stripped from them. Why? Because they dared be a shelter for women. And that’s not allowed any more. Not even for rape victims.

When they say who can any of this hurt? It can hurt those women. It can hurt those women a lot. The women who are traumatized and frightened and battered.

This shelter fought back and now depends on private donations. Other shelters have given in.

Imagine being a rape victim and just asking for one space where it can be all women. Even just one room. And being told you must include men or you can’t get help.

At the heart of it, rape is a crime of forced inclusion. You weren’t allowed to say no. Part of healing is being given back your power and that includes the ability to say no.

If a rape victim wants a healing space that only has redheads born on a Tuesday in it, I’d try to find her such a space. She has been traumatized. She is terrified. We would all do anything to help her be less frightened. At least most of us would.

To be clear, I can’t be sure of the motive of any particular person who demanded to be a volunteer at any particular time, but there are men who love to hear women’s rape stories and some women don’t like telling their stories to men.

And don’t think these are rare situations. There are many shelters across the world that have been facing the same pressures. It’s a huge story. When JK Rowling funded a shelter just for women she was swarmed by the fly lords! (See my pinned thread for that reference).

(All text and photo I took from twitter: babybeginner)