One of the core parts of Ilyaâs identity is that he knows heâs hot, he knows heâs sexually desirable and heâs incredibly sexually literate.
What holds him back is he doesnât believe heâs desirable romantically. He especially doesnât believe that he deserves Shane. That insecurity and that low self worth given to him by his family, the one group of people who are supposed to love him unconditionally, is what drives their miscommunication.
Heâs staring himself down in the mirror, disgusted with himself for needing Shane so much. Of course Shane doesnât want him outside of sex. Thatâs all heâs good for. Of course Shane found a nice, sensible, beautiful woman.
Shane is a âgood boyâ. Heâs going to settle down and get married and do all the things a professional hockey player should be doing.
Ilya is so deeply hurt and embarrassed that he thought for even a second he could be something more for Shane. Embarrassed that he wanted that.
He opened himself up for the first time in his adult life and got a knife through the heart- because of course he did. Thatâs what always happened when he was a kid. When he played a game and expected his father to be proud of him, only to be dismissed and belittled at every turn.
His brother calling him a âwhiny faggotâ for expressing even the most surface level emotions.
Iâm sick about this sad bisexual Russian man.
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