devious doppelganger

history teacher in the year 2091

ME: time to sleep BRAIN: wanna hear some poetry? ME: really? That... that would actually be nice. BRAIN: I think I shall never see... ME: oh I like this one. BRAIN: a poem as lovely as a tree... ME: BRAIN: ... ME: go on. BRAIN: you know, if you think about it Joyce Kilmer scratched this ode on the dead flesh of the very thing he was extolling...

“Twelve minutes per pound at six-and-a-half pounds… Wait, seventeen inches? I don’t have a big enough pan for that.' - how to get coworkers to stop telling you their baby’s ‘stats.’

K: so I organized the car and took the scissors our of the glove compartment and in the pocket on the door. ME: scissors? Oh for cutting wildflowers and stuff... Good idea. K: for cutting the seatbelt- in case you're in an accident ME: K: ME: and wildflowers?

It's weird how all these middle school kids think I'm so cool and put together since I'm in college- they have no idea that I'm carrying my money around in an old tic tac box because I lost my change purse a few months ago running around at a playground

From time to time you may find yourself trying to decide between showering and sleeping. One tip is to use scented lotion: it will help perk you up and keep you awake while covering your stench. And what is wrong with you? How can you even think of showering or sleeping at a time like this? Shouldn't you be studying or finishing your summary project?

Two weeks after the beginning of semester: "I'm killing it!" Two weeks before the semester ends: "It's killing me."

People talk about 'when machines take over the world' like it's a bad thing. I, for one, look forward to having Google efficiently direct me to my subjugation while Netflix accurately recommends other menial tasks I may also like.

Roses are red Violets are blue. I’m too stressed To keep talking about damn flowers.