i think edward elric entire military experience can be summarized as john mulaney’s “horse loose in the hospital” bit

@dalethesjtoddler

And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the child, and then, 5 miles under the capital city, an evil homunculus was like, “I have a huge transmutation circle and I’m going to kill everyone to become god!” And before we could say anything, the child was like, “If you even fucking look at Amestris, I will punch you to death with my fists. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it so I can take my unresolved daddy issues out on you, I’m so fucking crazy.”

This post was written by Roy Mustang

Sometimes it’s not a bad thing, just surprising. Like, “Today the child did alchemy without a transmutation circle,” and everyone is like, “Huh, I didn’t know he could do that.”

Shoutout to Ed for identifying as agnostic after God ripped two of his limbs off

a total power move

When your legs don’t work like they used to before

Fellas , is it gay to constantly think about your rival / childhood friend and obsess over them at every turn , and constantly have them on you mind ?? and you lash out because they’re so amazing that you can’t believe they wouldn’t have an alterior motive for being as perfect as they are ??? Fellas ,,, is it gay to dramatically reveal that you care about him and admire him more than anyone ??? but you didn’t understand your own emotions ?? Is it gay to get mad at him for not realizing how special he is and never looking after himself , so you vow to stay by his side to help him and protect him ? MmFELLAS . IS IT GAY . TO THOUGHTLESSLY JUMP IN FRONT OF YOUR RIVAL WHEN THEYRE IN DANGER AND SACRAFICE YOUR LIFE FOR THEM WITHOUT HESITATION ?? Is it gay if your life flashes beforeyour eyes and you only think of him ?? Is it gay ??

no. you know what? fuck you. *uncaramelizes your onions*

#Hermes: he’s dead Dionysus you don’t actually have to do this #Dionysus [polishing his giant wooden dildo]: I made a PROMISE (x)

This is the also the myth of the creation of the dildo. And in some versions of the myth, Prosymnus’ soul was so overjoyed, that he was transferred to Elysium. That’s right, Dionysus rode Prosymnus’ pseudo-dick so good that he was moved to the Blessed AfterlifeTM

dionysus: can’t believe prosymnus died before I could keep my promise to let him bone me the nymphs: you don’t have to, you know dionysus, oiling up the world’s first dildo: no I’m gonna

Prosymnus’ soul literally ascended