I WATCH MY GUARDIAN ANGEL LEAVE THE BUILDING

I love gay people theres a guy in my neighborhood who named his one singular dog “simon and garfunkel”

its kind of sad that bugs are so weak. it dishonors their noble biology. i guess this is is why crustaceans are so admirable. imagine for a moment, an unsquishable bug. such is the way of the crab

you guys do realize memorizing a story doesn't actually preserve it right? it just destroys it entirely and places a perfect copy of it in your brain to be retold at a future performance

float like a butterfly (nervously forgets end of quote) green like a pea

lmfao I just saw zohran doing the inaugural swim in a full suit and tie, the schtick genuinely gets funnier the more he does it. My only complaint is should have worn swim trunks OVER the suit

im swimming at the lake and accidentally kicked a fish. this has never happened in my many years of swimming. sorry man

Dahling you simply must read this book! It’s all about this devious little caterpillar who simply gorges himself on all manner of divine things

working at a university really makes any romance set among college undergraduates unreadable but ESPECIALLY the dark romances where they're supposed to be like sinister mastermind daddy doms. he's 20 years old dude. there's a good chance he doesn't know how to do laundry. I know a guy who was living in a house with 4 other dudes when he was 20 and they were all sharing one fork. that guy's not leading the college mafia.

i really fuck with it when my oomfs start their posts in media res. they'll open it with a phrase like "it's just funny because..." and then i look at their blog to see what's funny and. nothing.

It's like how Beowulf opens with a call to attention.

posting is exactly like beowulf

it bothers me that you often don't really hear about people having a "favorite album" the way they might have a favorite movie or favorite video game

fuck it. reblog this and tell me in the tags what your favorite album is

"hot girls do this" "hot girls do that" you bore me. ugly and cold women rise

I live a very balanced life of noticing things nobody else does and not noticing the things that literally everybody notices