I WATCH MY GUARDIAN ANGEL LEAVE THE BUILDING

people aren't having sex anymore because Leonard Cohen had all of it in the 70s

i bet the pain will end if i arrange a perfect enough sentence about it

ladybugs communicate via the spots on their backs but they can only say one thing their entire life

Stealing this from twitter but I liked the concept: put in the tags where were your 8 great-grandparents from (given modern borders) ?

I love gay people theres a guy in my neighborhood who named his one singular dog “simon and garfunkel”

its kind of sad that bugs are so weak. it dishonors their noble biology. i guess this is is why crustaceans are so admirable. imagine for a moment, an unsquishable bug. such is the way of the crab

you guys do realize memorizing a story doesn't actually preserve it right? it just destroys it entirely and places a perfect copy of it in your brain to be retold at a future performance

float like a butterfly (nervously forgets end of quote) green like a pea

lmfao I just saw zohran doing the inaugural swim in a full suit and tie, the schtick genuinely gets funnier the more he does it. My only complaint is should have worn swim trunks OVER the suit

im swimming at the lake and accidentally kicked a fish. this has never happened in my many years of swimming. sorry man