fix your hearts or die

jeff buckley was right when he said its never over not in the romantic yearning sense but in the sense that its always just another fucking thing

one thought about anxiety before i do the fucking stupid phone call is that its a spiral you fall into and then if i try to turn this spiral off and be ”rational” and think that ”nothing will go wrong” and its ”not a big deal” it doesnt work because for big things you should prepare yourself and be ready and know what to do and once you start trying to do this the spiral comes back. so its either wing it and do it bad because winging it is my worst skill or almost puke and then do it while feeling like youre dying. i know so many people who prepare soooo much for job interviews but are fundamentally not anxious and i have no idea how they go through life like this. i can literally only either act like something doesnt matter or like its life and death and the people who figured out how to find a normal balance piss me off

a friend texted me her mom said she might have a summer job for me with no other information except i need to call her today and my normal mental health walk turned into an anxiety attack walk and now im home and still freaking the fuck out yay <3 on the one hand, im desperate for a job. on the other hand, i have literally a billion concerns about the job and also the phone call itself.