help-im-a-medstudent said: Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā @medblr-of-a-sleepyhead you are definitely not running out of time! This particular patient was not a typical settled in a relationship planning kids sort of person Ā in fact she had gone through more than enough for an entire life rather than 23 years. But dont compare yourself to others, everyone does life differently and there is no right way. Things will happen and you have your whole life! Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
Thatās the funny thing about having kids; youāll be dealing with 16 year old patients who are pregnant, or 50 year olds who didnāt even realise they could still have kids, but have just had one. Thereās really no right time; it can be different for everyone. Ā Itās a little shocking when youāre still in school and there are people out there with like 4 kids, a mortgage and the whole āadultā thing going on, living a completely different life.Ā Some people might have had kids at a time when their life was an utter disaster, others were in the middle of a blissful relationship. Some go it alone, others have a partner or a whole community to help.
Itās been on my mind a bit, recently, partly because my facebook feed has recently been littered with āHappy 10 year anniversary, my Love! <3ā posts, and Iām like how the hell do I know people whoāve been together for ten years?!? How are we all getting so old?!? My feed isnāt very full of kids, and most of my friends (even the married and longterm coupled ones) donāt have kids, but I think thatās partly medicine; lots of people have been waiting to complete some exams or buy a house once they know where theyāll be a registrar etc. Iām aware that in most 30 something circles, itās not unusual for most people to have kids. Thereās no use comparing lives because weāre all very different. I might have been hassled to get married/have kids since I was 16, but I would never have wanted that at say, 21- with working so hard at university, running a household or having kids would have been the last thing I wanted or felt ready for. Iām sure lots of medblr probably felt the same.
I was actually gonna write about this on another post, but I might as well go off on this one; I hate that in medicine itās expected (and encouraged) for people to put off having kids. I mean, settling down is hard enough when youāre too busy and tired to find the right person, but even people who are happily settled down often feel that itās not a good time to have kids until well into their career. Iāve been told by multiple consultants (usually male) to avoid their specialties if I want to have kids or be happily married. My sister (a med student) was explicitly told by a female consultant that itās best to wait until youāre a consultant to have kids. Consultant. Like for most specialties, thatād be your mid 30s to early 40s at the earliest, even if you started med school as a school leaver. If youāre someone like me, youād be quite a bit older. And a lot of the current female consultants have done just this; itās not uncommon to hear your middle aged consultant (female, or often even male) talking about their very young, school aged children.
As a workforce, weāre putting work far before things like having a family but we shouldnāt have to. If weāre pressured to leave it late, we risk not being able to have the number of kids we want, or even none at all. Itās sad to think of people working their whol elives to endure their patients have time with their loved ones, or get to have a family, whilst they themselves end up struggling.Ā We risk increased risks for mother and child. Iāve seen friends struggle with fertility issues, and itās not something Iād wish on my worst enemy; I think itās really short sighted and unhealthy if we have a system that pressures people into waiting until their fertility is in jeopardy, and having kids is risky, before they feel they can have kids. Itās wrong, and yes, Iām mad about it. Not because I havenāt had kids already; that was my choice based on my life circumstances and though being a busy med student and doctor fed into that, I feel that was ultimately my cross to bear. But Iām mad because thereās a good chance waiting til then would never be an option for me, and I resent any system where many people feel that they have to wait, because many of us sure as hell wonāt be able to. With my family history, I know I almost certainly wonāt be fertile at 50 or even 45. Hey, I donāt technically even know if Iām fertile now, TBH. Thatāll be a problem for another day.
By all means, people need to choose what feels best for themselves and their families, and this sometimes means waiting. But having a family is important, and a fundamentally enriching human experience that people should be able to do at a time that suits them, without feeling pressured to put it off until they are middle-aged because the system makes it too difficult.
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