DCanatian

I came out into this world only to realize at the age of 25 that my parents and family were still broken.

I came out into this world only to realize that if I don't grind on my own, then I would be left nowhere.

So, I made sure to save every penny

Every memory

And every silent secret

With that, I thrived, I worked, I struggled, and I have made it, to ...today.

With that, I have made my childhood goals come true.

Finding love was never the dream.

The dream was to escape from my childhood hell to an apartment where I can call mine.

The dream was to be able to survive by knowing how to cook and earn weekly incomes.

The dream was to continue my education on my own while maintaining my independence.

And I am proud to say, I have conquered that dream.

I have done the work, the struggle, and the pain.

I have restarted my education over and over again,

I have attempted, only to fail, and be forced to find another solution.

I have cried, given up, and pushed through, only to realize I am still not where I want to be… but I look back and realize… I am no longer living in my childhood secrecy.

Today, I look back and realize I have made my initial dream come true.

I have struggled, but through Christ I am content.

I believe in my bones I have done the work oh so perfectly.

But, with one trigger word, I am back feeling outrageous, piss, and angry!

With one trigger word, I am forced to step back to realize the crime scene I have created.

I have cutted and gutted these so-called friends.

I have slaughtered this so-called family, and now I am laying down in a blood bath.

They couldn't and didn't understand my ways, so...I did the grind solo.

I cut off the people who were a drag.

I cut off the people who have caused and allowed me to bleed.

And I have also cut off the people who have stopped me from reaching my full potential and dreams.

So, you may call it slaughtering, but I call it survival.

Here I am sipping on my wine, while sitting on my high mountain, only to realize I have created a world that is family proof.

I look down from the mountain, and I witness the clueless unable to reach the top, due to their “baggage”.

I wondered what they must be feeling:

Hate?

Anger?

Regrets?

Love?

I've climbed over walls of pain and discomfort, and I don't plan on going back!

I don't want to go back to the struggles because I believe I have defeated the dragon.

Now, I am comfortably laying on this high mountain, only to realize my happiness has a bitter taste of loneliness.

I rolled over to look at the stars, only to realize they were still unreachable.

Angry, frustrated, confused!

Am I still not good enough to level up towards you, Lord?

I have finally made it to the top, only to be slapped with disappointment.

I am crushed to find out I am still lacking, still emotional, and still a sinner to your eyes...

I have finally realized that my survival ways have cut off what could've been your helping hand, and now I have no idea how to face you.

I have cut off my master, and now, I am too ashamed to stand on trial.

I am strong but fragile.

I am strong, but I crack.

I am strong, but empty, alone, and filled with hate and shame.

And again, I am pissed for not being able to differentiate your voice from the crowd.

I am embarrassed for adapting to their ways instead of yours.

And now, I am filled with regrets.

If I could go back, I would honestly have no idea how things would change.

Back then I was robbed of my voice, body, and mind.

Back then I allowed the pit of confusion to overtake my soul.

The only way I knew how to live was to drown into work and to thrive.

Education became my God, and degrees became my blood supply.

No family member was going to get in the way of my dreams of healthiness and wealthiness.

So, when you asked for help, the word "No" left my lips.

When you asked, I didn't hesitate

And for the longest, I believed it was the only right way for my dream.

Again, call me selfish, but I wasn't going to gamble my future for anyone. And that was my Bible.

I grew up in a world filled with regrets and meaningless sacrifices.

My mom's sacrifices led to abuse and depression.

While my dad's sacrifices led to mental brain damage.

I was taught, since birth, that sacrifices and love were meaningless.

While education and long term equaled happiness.

And for the longest, I have fallen into this pit of education only to come out with mental pain and identity loss.

I dove into education and life alone, only to come out of it alone with anger and darkness.

I came out of this world only to realize, 20 yrs too late, that my parents were teaching me out of anger and regrets.

They were teaching me out of pain and selfishness.

They were teaching me at a place where love did not exist.

And now, I am at my peak, only to realize that the formula to my childhood did not equal to true success & happiness.

I grew up in a world where love and family meant crap.

I grew up in a world where family meant:

-Abuse (mentally and physically).

-Draining (until you are in debt).

-And abandonment.

So Lord, when you reached out your hand as a person in need, without any hesitation, my response was No.

My Bible became law and my values.

My love life became a playground where I could play pretend, and occasionally scrape my knee from playing it wrong.

Love was poisonous, not passionate.

Sacrifices were hell, not rewarding.

And family, well... what are families?

Mine were sleeping with their demons during the night, and crippled during the day.

I learned to do me.

To watch out for me.

And to thrive for me.

I am not where I want to be, but I have learned to climb alone, and occasionally ask for aid until I've reached my destination.

Now, I am on this mountain, looking at the sky, only to realize that I am looking at you from the same distance from the beginning.

And now, I am filled with frustration, anger, & weariness.

How do I open up and balance myself when everything has crumbled beneath me.

How do I start-over when I've done that for the past 6 years.

How do I do this again?

My pride can't take it anymore.

I can't take it.

I can't do this alone anymore... I am just beyond frustrated at this point.

How do I reach the top of the mountain, while climbing and thriving with you on my back?

Again, I am embarrassed, ashamed, and freaking Angry...at them, for allowing their past traumas to bleed onto me…their future.

I am angry because I literally feel like I've used all of my 9 lives.

Give me a glass of wine, and leave the sad songs on replay, because I officially feel deflated.

The problem is..

I want to make you my whole world, while I want to be your world.

But it's insane to idolize an individual as your world when Christ has purposely put many love ones in your life to prevent idolization.

I want to pull you in a world where it is just you and I...

But it's selfish of me to want these things at all times....

I want it!

But I can't have it at all times...I shouldn't!

Because Christ has made you a being to the world, not just for me.

He has brighten your light so bright for the world to receive God's gift from you.

I breathe in the pain while swallowing my anger...

I CAN'T be angry because of my lack of support & lack of community.

How dare I capture you into a room forcing you to be All the Things that are missing in my life!

How dare I expect you to fulfill a hole, I mean a role, that is meant for family-ship & friendship, & not an US-ship.

So, I relieve you of the roles.

I relieve you of the expectations & the things that has nothing to do with you!

...I release you.

While I find the proper beings that are needed to make me feel whole again:

-My personal group

-My community

-My love ones

-and My God

I'm not good at this love game...

At this flirt game...

Or at the games.

I'm not good with the long term relationship game...

Or at the doll face game.

I'm not good at the cutesy game

Nor at the acting game.

I'm not good at it, and I am tired of trying.

It's cringy & dignifying.

-Why do I feel compel to act anything less to capture a man. (2x)

99.9% of the time, they are simply boys trying to be men.

99.9% of the time, they aren't even Worth It.

So why do I feel so compel to be less than by walking around with a man in my arm..?

He is not a diamon or a ring.

He isn't shiny or a toy😏

-So why would I, Or do I, feel like I deserve a body who isn't it...(2x)

It's not like he isn't it, but more like I am not it.

I am not yet to my full potential b/c I am too worried about appealing to his desires.

I can not be the woman that I desire, because my focus has been turned towards the whispers of his voice.

I am too busy wondering if he's being honest or not, when I should be wondering about my boundaries and assertiveness.

-I am too focus onto the future pleasures with him, while I forget about my ownn promises to myself? (2x)

Who am I when I walkth with this man?

Who am I when I gazee into his eyes?

Who am I who am I when I am distracted...?

I seem to be the woman who has been reduced to a girl.

A girl who is worried about doll faces, and sweet words.

A girl who simply compares herself to everyone, because she allows him to make her feel Less- than...

A girl who simply compares herself to everyone, because she allows Herself to feel Less-Than.

I am a girl who loses focus for a week, who then comes back to life as she walkth the aile of regrets.

I am the girl who falls in love with fancies, but who is awaken to a storm.

I am a girl who simply runs, everytime they have tired to commit her...

I can't be committed, I don't allow it.

I don't want to worry about doll faces and fancy dresses...for a man.

I don't want to worry about sexiness and woman heels...for a man.

I don't want to worry about it because, that isn't me.

All that matters is to walk with a man Version of Myself who allows me to be me, crazy and all.

Not only a man A Version of Myself who loves, but who accepts me, all parts of me. Who builds me, and who I can truly fall for.

A man Version of Myself who I can trust. Who I can gazed into, knowing I can come back to a reality of healthiness, instead of hidden molds.

A man Version of Myself who I don't have to try to change for.

And who doesn't allow herself to be turned into a man-made puppet.

How can I allow myself to be free from manipulation, when I am still being haunted by the shadows of my Past.

So, I can't allow myself to be captured when I am still learning to love this woman, who has finally decided to walk through the aile with no one, but herself. (2x)

Sam, I Do to your simpleness.

I Do to your God.

I Do to your fantasies, & to your beliefs.

And most importantly, I Do to your wildest dreams.

The world has never been for your dreams, & you've somehow still managed.

So I don't understand why you would allow a man-boy stop you from capturing your own shooting star.

So, I Do to your dreams, your God, and most importantly of all...to your happiness.

Sam, I Do, to committing to Every Version of You💕🖤

& that's period

I told you that I loved you...what more did you want?

I prepared you a 3-course meal in under 5 mins.

I cuddled you until you passed out because the thought of you losing both parents and your grandparents shattered my heart…

I couldn’t imagine how you must have been feeling.

I was thinking of your heart, while you were thinking of the wap

I was thinking about your sleepless night, while you were thinking about the next one

Before you know it I started bleeding for what I thought was real.

But instead, I am bleeding out for a man who has already been taken, cuffed, out of the market, and booed up.

And again I fell for what wasn't mine

Again I fell for what God had said no to.

And again I ignored the signs and fell for what I thought was perfect.

The feeling of foolishness is something I can’t easily shake off.

You've deceived me, and again I am stuck in this foolish anger, that I’ve allowed in my home.

I wake up each morning pretending I wasn’t just a piece of your game but treasured.

That I wasn’t foolish, but getting educated.

But, I wake up every morning with a slap of remembrance, that I slept with yet another demon.

❤

Do you remember the bruises he left around my face?

He wanted to let the world know I belonged to him.

How about the cuts and lumps he left all over my skin?

I used to cover them with makeup, until I couldn't anymore.

You used to look at my reflection, wondering why I looked so sad?

As I was about to speak, you noticed my tongue.

The discolorful tongue I had to bite into while he pushed me down the stairs.

As I repeatedly slammed my head and ribs onto the edge of the stairs, I sunk my teeth deeper and deeper into my tongue.

I rather have my tongue cut off, then to curse the man I have chosen for you.

Every single blood cell that dipped out of me, made me think of your safety.

Every sting I felt, made me think about your heartbreak.

Are you ok little one? Are you safe?

Forgive him, I must have done something wrong.

Not to worry, I will make sure to make him happy, so you won't ever have to be alone.

Ignore my cries darling, I am only mimicking the sound of my traumas.

Don’t worry about me, nothing is worse than my father’s beatings.

Are you ok little one? Are you still kicking?

Have you gotten enough food to last you a week?

I have gotten us kicked out into the cold winter snow, now we are truly alone.

At least there is no more blood being taken from you, right?

Not to worry, we will be ok.

Forget the bruises you saw through my eyes.

Ignore the weeping sound that escaped my sealed lips.

Forget the punches you've heard echoing through my belly.

Ignore my mistakes little one, I will make sure mommy gives you the best life that she can give you.

I may have chosen a monster as a man, but I will make sure to become the person you need me to be.

And so, that person became my mother, my teacher, my friend, and my father, all in one.

And forget, I truly did.

Here’s the concrete revelation

You want to protect me, yet why do I make plea deals to see my abuser?

I want my abuser to love me and to see me in his heart.

Instead, he is forcing himself upon my heart.

I want to know the attraction of hurt in him that reflects me. Does he see himself in me?

I have curses upon my shoulders. I was born in a trivial world.

My value is abstained for everyone to enjoy.

My presence is concrete yet invisible.

My scars are absent but forever present

Forget, I truly did. But the history of storytelling is upon my skin hidden within my tears, cover within my scars, and laced within my apathy.

I am the stigma my mother feared, but when I told her it fell on deaf ears.

In like the forbidden fruit the tales of this night shall never see truth.

Oct. 15, 2020

You are a light switch.

One moment you're bright, while the next day you are off.

Your tantrums are dark.

Your attitude needs to get checked on a double, because you've been coming at me behind the shadows.

Your mood has been a turn off ever since midnight hit.

And your personality hasn't bothered to apologize.

So you've been ghosting.

You've ghosted me

Ghosted our relationship

And ghosted our sisterhood

You've widen the gap we've worked so hard to fix.

You've filled her up with a dark silent void.

Dark, erking, creepy void.

The silent void that scared us

That robbed us

That threw us both into the dark pit of loneliness.

........*Silent*

I don't get this rollercoaster mood

It is making me nauseous!

I don't understand this merry-go-round, because all we're doing is cycling over the same issue.

Stop running in reverse

And give me a fix solution.

When will you stop playing the victim?

When will you start taking your healing medicine instead of taking fire into your bloodstreams?

When will you be able to face your demons, instead of being mad at God for the life you've helped create?

You are like a light switch.

And I have finally decided to close the door on your flickering light.

So pick one: On or Off?

On: Face reality with me.

Off: ...well, I can't stay in this pitch-black loneliness forever...

I am in love with you, Lord.

My heart beats, when I think of your unconditional love.

My body melts when I think about your arms becoming my new safe house.

I am truly in love with you.

You have been my confider.

The man who wipes away my tears.

The man who reminds me that I am precious, while everyone else thought otherwise.

You were the man who stood at the background while watching me make, yet, another sin.

Why do you climb over my mess like I have done nothing wrong?

Why do you continuously step over my storms, like I am a gem who somehow got lost?

Why do your eyes sparkle when you see me with my baggage? Do you not see my baggage? Yet, you fully embrace me as if I am a brand new child.

Why do you make me feel as if I am Royalty?

How is it possible for a man to fully accept me when I have chosen to step into the deep end?

Stef, I am in love with how you have imitated God’s Love so flawlessly.

  My heart beats when I think of YOUR unconditional love

My body melts when I think about YOUR arms becoming my new safe house.

I am truly in love with you.

YOU have been my confider.

The Man who wipes away my tears.

The Man who reminds me that I am precious, while everyone else thought otherwise.

YOU were the Man who stood at the background while watching me make, yet, another sin.

Why do You climb over my mess like I have done nothing wrong?

Why do You continuously step over my storms, like I am a gem who somehow got lost?

Why do Your eyes sparkle when you see me with my baggage? Do you not see my baggage? Yet, YOU fully embrace me as if I am a brand new child.

Why do You make me feel as if I am Royalty?

How is it possible for a Man to fully accept me when I have chosen to step into the deep end?

  I love you because you loved me 1st.

I love you because you have never given up on me.

Like Christ, you saw my full potential before it was noticeable.

Like Christ, I couldn’t fool you with a simple smile.

You saw me, while I was in the middle of My Man-Made Tornado. You saw me, yet, you continuously love me.

Instead of shaking your head, you embraced me.

Instead of being embarrassed by my actions, you boasted to the world that I was yours.

Instead of disappearing, you messaged me daily to remind me that you have never stopped knocking at my door.

No matter the mess or mistakes I’ve made, I knew I would always be the sparkle in your eyes.

And for that, I truly love you.

Because you are the man who supports me through the horrors and fantasies.

You are the man who adores me through the mess and beauty.

You are the man who sees the real me even when I have purposely broken every bone in my body.

You are the man who has patiently been waiting by the door, just to remind me that I am, and will forever be love, no matter what crap I fall into next.

And for that… I am beyond grateful to stand next to a man who makes me feel Love like Christ.

Your love is so soundless, that I did not realize you have helped me blossom toward The Light of our King.

Never have I ever, thought there would be a man who would love me like Christ.

I love you because you are truly the man I have been praying for.

And for that, You are truly a Replication of God’s Love❤.

The slave has been tightly chained for years.

She has been SCREAMING for Freedom yet, no one has been able to hear a soul.

She has been punched and pounded on like an animal.

She has been attacked by wolves and damaged by sex.

Her dark beautiful skin has been ripped open and bruised.

And her tears have turned into acid.

Captive

Her body has been holding her captive.

She wants to turn LEFT, but her body is swinging her Right.

She wants to float over the Blazing Fire, but her legs are FROZEN into place.

Captive

The Woman wants a taste of chaos, disaster, Pain.

A taste of fresh innocent blood is needed

A taste of the real betrayal is demanded

The Slave Woman now has a hunger for madness.

She is CRAVING for Power.

She Wants To Burn, To Bleed, and To Die… She wants to become The New RULER in Control.

She wants the freedom to choose her own F*cked Up Story.

HER RAGE Has Finally Snapped Loose from The Devil’s GRIP!

A louse was found in the center of my heart. Sucking my enegry dry.

Sucking my love dry.

Sucking me..dry.

Idk how many times I have dugged inside my gushing heart, just to find it swiming back into my heart!

Would it be wrong for me to let it be....

to let it rob the little love and energy I have left.

Would it be wrong for me to give up that fight?

I'm not her, I am not who you think I am.

I am not my appearance

I am not what you hear.

I am not it.

I am not her.

I am not the person who has it all together.

Nor am I the girl who is buried into books.

I promise you, I'm not her.

I may get the high grades, but that's just me surviving.

Surviving...

Yes, I am a survivor.

I am the girl who fantasize.

I am the girl who dreams.

Who dreamed of her parents getting together.

Who dreamed of being accepted by her step and real family.

Who dreamed to be treated like a daughter instead of bringing pleasure to men.

I am a dreamer.

A dreamer who wants to live the life her family never had the opportunity to own.

"Its just a fantasy", they would say, "let it go."

To let go of my dreams would mean to have no reason to wake up in the morning.

I am not the good girl nor the freak.

I am not the bookworm nor the dumb chick.

I am the sloven chick.

The sloven chick with the confused past,

With the multiple bad decisions

And who lives a sloven lifestyle.

I am a mess.

I view myself as a careless mess.

But every mess has a hidden surprise at the end.

I. Am. In. Love. With… You

I am in love with your courage, your strength, and your bravery.

I am amazed by the fact you have stood up against The Biggest Goliath in your life.

You stood, and you fought.

You were stabbed, and instead of putting a bandage on the many wounds you already had, you decided to let this one bleed. "No more pretending’’, you said.

Instead of hiding, you spoke your truth.

It cost you your strength and energy, but you held up your sword and you fought.

You were spat on, and instead of revenge, you washed your face.

I am truly amazed by your bravery.

The world turned against you...and you still decided to stay while making the world turn to your advantage!

You told the devil himself that you will Never Be nor Stay Silent.

So, you continue to stand, and to fight!

Samantha Janvier, you are courageous for standing against the people who had the magical password to your heart. You stood against the people who you have trusted with your whole life. You stood against the people who have created you... you stood, and you fought for your truth, your inner peace, and for... YOU.

You have fought for you.

And for that, I. Am. In. Love. With. You.

*Still Standing* I. Am. In. Love. With… You I am in love with your courage, your strength, and your bravery. I am amazed by the fact you have stood up against The Biggest Goliath in your life. You stood, and you fought. You were stabbed, and instead of putting a bandage on the many wounds you already had, you decided to let this one bleed. ‘’No more pretending’’, you said. Instead of hiding, you spoke your truth. It cost you your strength and energy, but you held up your sword and you fought. You were spat on, and instead of revenge, you washed your face. I am truly amazed by your bravery. The world turned against you...and you still decided to stay while making the world turn to your advantage! You told the devil himself that you will Never Be nor Stay Silent.