Settled Dust
I’m coming off of the high from the last few months. I’m crashing so incredibly low. The tide has swept me away. The seas have calmed and I’m sinking into the darkness that has been giving me space. I’m drifting slowly further and further into myself. The ocean feels heavy. I’m not even fighting her right now. I don’t want to and honestly I don’t have the energy to do much of anything. I want to sink deeper and deeper. I want these layers of darkness to cover me and hold me. If I look up slightly I can feel the warmth of the sun all the way down here. As I sink lower and lower the light from above follows me to the depths of my soul. I’m surrounded by light hues of pinks, purples, and blues. I feel the warmth and longing for happiness, but I yearn for the comfort of darkness. The heat it gives off is undeniable. I need to rest my eyes and my heart. Is it possible to have both at the same time? Is it possible that the light can travel deeper than my own darkness and protect me? Eventually those light hues will brighten, but it’s as if the darkness within me is willing to share with the joy that clings to me. Even with my eyes closed I can sense the joy lingering and holding onto me. Lazily lighting my way through my layers of despair. I want to feel the sun, but I don’t want to burn. I need to find the happy medium. I need to find my way back to the Truffula Tree and the starry skies. Right now it’s time to rest and recharge. As I delicately sink lower and lower I can feel a sense of peace seeping into my bones. The heaviness isn’t gnawing, but grounding in some way. I’m alone. I’m okay with being alone or at least trying to be... I swing high and I crash extremely low. This time I’m sinking into bleak oblivion and I’m prepared for it this time because I’m more accepting of all the me’s that make me, me. I don’t want to fight my darkness. I want to understand her. I don’t know if I want to understand him quite yet, but I’m grateful that he hasn’t come back to claim me… yet… I sense that he’s near. I can feel him rubbing my shoulders, whispering sweet nothings in my ears, wrapping his arms around my waist. She’ll protect me though. She is both darkness and the light hues. We’re in tune and can now work together. We can accept him in his worst state, but we have to do this together. It can’t be all the me’s against me. How do I learn from him? What is he completely made of? Fear, anxiety, shame, doubt? While I sink lower and lower maybe I’ll be able to face him. I have the tools I need to approach him. He’s a part of me and while he can be such a pain, I need to love him and accept him. He’s the ugliest part of me, but also the most beautiful. I accept the darkest shades of you. I accept my darkness. It’s nice to meet you finally… It’s nice to see me and now I’m going to love the ugly. Celebrate it and uplift you, because even in the sunken place as the dust settles I see the glitter and gold. I feel the warmth of the sun, and I want to appreciate all the me’s that make me, me.
