Dating a grad student

When you’re accidentally standing in a group with grad students all talking about a class or professor or conference in common, and you’re just like

And then when you try to talk, you realize you should not have tried, because you’re just like

When you’re at a grad student party (for the cheeses) and you try to be nice and ask someone you’re awkwardly chatting with what their dissertation is about and then you don’t understand anything they say so when it’s your time to talk you’re just like

When you’re all hanging out and mocking pictures of notoriously pervy professors, and one the grad students can STILL make it about their esoteric dissertation topic, you’re just like

Sometimes you try to change the topic of conversation away from grad student things. But then you realize you’ve been around grad students for so long, all you can say is

After you’ve dated a grad student for a long time, their jargon sinks into your brain, and you might not even notice. But then at some point you’ll casually say something in fluent Grad-student-eese, and you’ll just be like,

Sometimes grad students need to take a break. Sometimes they make big plants to go to a big city and go out hard, like they understand what weekends are. But then, sometimes, when the grad students all hit the town, the bar they chose to go to is called the Library. You’re just like,

DO YOU NOT SPEND ENOUGH TIME IN THE LIBRARY??

But then you try to be supportive and see things from their perspective.

So you just do what you do.

Usually, when you’re dating a grad student, your life is like

But every once in a while you get sent somewhere fancy for work or you tag along to a fancy grad school thing, and everything changes. You strut around like

You can’t stop yourself from yelling about your new status.

You try to spread it around. Cause it’s not even yours.

And if anyone looks at you like they know you can’t afford this cause you’re dating a grad student, you’re just like

And then you get back home and you’re like,

It’s happening all over again. Your grad student is going to a very long lecture, and after that lecture there will be free wine and meats and cheeses. You are invited.

But you know that if you skip the lecture and go straight to the cheese, they’ll know what you did. You might lose your “cool non-grad student” vibe. Everyone will think you’re like this.

But thinking about the lecture, you’re already like

But then thinking about the wines and meats and cheeses, you’re like

You have no idea how to make a decision. It’s agony.

Do you risk it all for cheese? Or risk your brain melting out your ears after several hours of people saying things like “metaontological” and debating the finer points of things you’ve never heard of? And then, and THEN, the Q&A.

After hours of deliberation, it’s still a stalemate.

Finally, you come to a decision. If you end up at the lecture, you’ll spend the whole time drafting emails in your head and strategizing about how to most efficiently get to the cheeses. 

And if you roll up just for cheese time, you’ll be like

And it doesn’t really matter what you decide. Because, in the end, you get free wine, and meats, and cheeses.

Trying to get them to take a break from the library because it’s getting sunny, and you end up being all creepy like

You try to talk to their grad student friends about pop culture, but it doesn’t always go over well. You try to engage them in conversation about Justin Bieber, but they’re just like

So, eventually, you’re like

And then you beeline for the bar so you can be like

Sometimes their grad student friends are performing their intellectual labor in front of you, and you’re just like

Sometimes when you go with them to a lecture you’re like

But other times, it’s just like

When you’re not paying attention out with them and their friends and someone asks if you’re okay, and you’re just like,

When you’re at a grad student party and someone tries to chat you up, and you’re just like

When you’re trying to encourage your grad student to blame their asshole committee member instead of themselves for just one thing, just once, so you train them to be like

After you meet someone cool for the first time at a grad student party, you’re secretly like,

And then after you talk to them at a second grad student party, and you’re like

Every once in a while, Buzzfeed knows what’s up for all of us.