DarkMoon

*Kunsel is outside the data room when he’s physically cornered by Angeal (who has Sephiroth for backup)*

Kunsel: NOT THE FACE—

Angeal: So you’re the one who’s been writing all those conspiracy blog posts about me??

Kunsel: Uh…guilty.

Angeal: Do you have any idea what you’ve done?? The fan forums have fractured into three separate camps that are actively hostile to each other. HR pulled me in for a meeting. The Turks have an open betting pool for if I’m really Zack’s father or not. Every time Tseng sees me in the elevator he shakes his head in disapproval. And!! Hojo cornered us in the mess hall yesterday and came at me with a needle for a paternity sample!

Sephiroth: I had to fight him off with a fork. 

Angeal: He had to fight him off with a fork!!

Sephiroth: The speculation also spread across the globe. Mrs Hewley called the department line upset that she was being kept from her grandchild. Fortunately, I handled it and consoled her. 

Angeal: Wait WHAT?

Sephiroth: 

Kunsel: Okay, in my defense, I’m just providing content! I can’t control what people do with information. That’s on them for being dense!

*Zack stomps around the corner and points at Angeal*

Zack: So you’re just going to recommend those new Third Class rookies for First Class over me?? Your own son?? Your flesh and blood??

Angeal: For the last time, I’m not your father! And if I was, you wouldn’t be in SOLDIER to begin with, YOU’D BE IN COLLEGE! 

Zack: YOU’RE THE WORST DAD EVER!

*He runs off*

Angeal: OK THAT’S IT. Kunsel, find something else to write about. Anything. I don’t care what. Just not this!

Kunsel: Yeahh..you’re right.

*He produces a video camera, points it at himself, and hits record*

Kunsel: What’s up SOLDIER fans! Today’s deep dive: Sephiroth and the mounting evidence that his biological father is a long lost Turk who is rumored to be a vampire.

Sephiroth, interested: Hm.

The trail of bureaucracatic nonsense leads, as it always does, directly back to Hojo. Sephiroth follows it to his office, opens the door without knocking, and closes it behind him.

Hojo: Sephiroth not now, I’m busy.

Sephiroth: I only require sixty seconds of your time. So if you could direct your attention here briefly before I lose what little patience I have left for the sight of your face.

Hojo: !?

Sephiroth: You flagged the cadet correspondence as a security risk and intercepted every letter before it reached me. I’d like to know what threat you identified in the question “what is your favourite colour.” Please be specific. I want to understand exactly what vulnerability is created by my disclosure that my favourite colour is purple.

Hojo: ...

Sephiroth: And “how was your day”— sensitive, is it? Classified? The knowledge that my day was in all likelihood frustrating and overscheduled, probably because you’d requisitioned three hours of my time for something that could have been an email??

Hojo: ...

Sephiroth: Is there anything else you’ve been holding back from me?

*Hojo, stressed and busy, finally snaps*

Hojo: FINE. I’ve been intercepting your Moogle Monthly Magazine subscription, because I am not having it on record that the premier SOLDIER operative in this building receives a children’s magazine and a free toy with every issue. AND Gast didn’t stop visiting because he was busy, I shot him. And I shot your biological father too. And if you don’t leave my office in the next thirty seconds I am going to locate my firearm and repeat the process with you.

Sephiroth: I can’t....I can’t believe this......my.....MY MOOGLE MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION? One of the only few sources of joy I derive from that meaningless paycheck??

Hojo: You’re not going to address the fact that I’m not your biological father??

Sephiroth: Oh yes, let me just—

*He drops to one knee, bows his head, and mouths what appears to be a brief and sincere prayer of thanks to the Goddess*

*He stands back up*

Sephiroth: Now that I’ve addressed THE OBVIOUS— MY MOOGLE MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION?

*Genesis walks into the SOLDIER break room and immediately points a gun at Sephiroth*

Sephiroth: Is this what our rivalry has devolved into? Murder?

Genesis: Isn’t it wonderful? It fires blanks. Angeal’s puppy used it to prank him, so he confiscated it. Naturally, I then stole it, because an instrument of chaos belongs in more capable hands.

*He tosses it into Sephiroth’s lap*

Genesis: Here, try it out.

Sephiroth: Absolutely not. It’s ridiculous to discharge any firearm inside a military base. Think of the combat trauma and PTSD.

Genesis: Goddess, you’re dull. Keep it anyway. Perhaps one day you’ll feel bold enough to point it at Hojo. Remind him that you, too, possess the power to end his life.

Sephiroth: That is an extraordinarily dangerous suggestion. ....hey, are you cold?

Genesis: No, why?

Sephiroth: It’s freezing in here.

Genesis: Because the air conditioning system is malfunctioning again. Maintenance is looking into it.

Sephiroth: Hm. I may need another layer.

Genesis: Here, take my coat *he drapes it over Sephiroth’s shoulders*

Sephiroth: Are you sure?

Genesis: Yes, I won’t need it. I’m headed to Medical for one of Hollander’s suspicious “routine checkups.”

Sephiroth: Oh, okay.

Genesis: See you later.

*Genesis leaves. Sephiroth sits there absently turning the prank gun over in his hands, with Genesis’ bright red coat hanging around his shoulders. Hojo enters and takes in the sight of Sephiroth wearing a red coat and calmly holding a gun*

Hojo: Well well well....I had merely come to summon you for your medical review, but I see you’ve finally pieced it together.

Sephiroth: ?

*Hojo retrieves a flask and a cigarette from his pocket*

Hojo: But I suppose it was only a matter of time before you found out. And you’ve reacted in such a predictable way. Mocking me, are you?

*Hojo sits and downs the flask in one go*

Sephiroth: ??

Hojo: The red coat, the gun....dressing as Vincent in a futile attempt at psychological warfare. Goodness, Sephiroth, how petty and predictable.

*He lights the cigarette and takes a drag*

Sephiroth, confused as hell: ???

Hojo: Right then. Go on, there’s only one thing left to do. Shoot me.

Sephiroth: !!??

Hojo: Do it, Sephiroth. Shoot me and end my life right here. I want to stare into your eyes and envision that that they’re his.

Sephiroth, panicking: ????

Hojo: Can’t do it, can you? I figured. You’re a coward just like him—

*Sephiroth shoots the blank— Hojo yelps and has a heart attack, passing out immediately*

Sephiroth: ???????

*Tseng walks by and peers in. He assesses the scene and how Sephiroth is dressed in red with the gun in his hand*

Tseng: Ah, sweet revenge. Poetic justice, I’d say. Well done.