olivia love blog

my outfit today makes me feel so 60's no kids estranged lesbian aunt coded.

every time i talk to other adults around the same age as me, especially ones with solid social lives or children, i have this gnawing back-of-my-mind feeling that those are the real people and im just playing a pretend person. i can never get over this idea that i am not someone who is or deserves to get taken seriously by anyone in my life, im a young, short female who has never looked my age, i wear casual clothes, im not authoritative, i am stereotypically emotional, i have anger issues, and i have bad resting bitch face. and sometimes i get to this point where im like, okay, im going to reinvent myself now so i can change the way people think about me. ill get a whole new wardrobe and ill figure out how to be more friendly or be less blunt or whatever else and it always boils down to 1) if by now i havent learned how to do those things, im not sure i even have the capacity for that kind of change anymore, and 2) i generally like myself, and i didnt use to but without consideration to the way i am perceived by other people i do like who i am as an individual most of the time. sure i have bad habits or mannerisms id like to change about myself but im not some kind of easy going personable social butterfly and i really dont think theres anything wrong with that. but at the end of the day i think my personality is really just not well liked. people dont like bluntness, they dont like brutal honesty, people want you to sugar coat things and give the benefit of the doubt all the time and i am just not that person. and idk maybe in another decade of continuing to agonize over it ill get to a point where i can say fuck it , that i dont care about other peoples opinions anymore and i am who i am. but i am not at that point. and the older i get the more self aware in hindsight i am that my personality has driven people away when i havent even realized i was doing anything wrong. and earlier today i had the realization (as i do every few years) that i really dont talk to anyone on a day to day basis, i dont have friends i hang out with, i dont have friend groups i talk to, i barely have an internet presence, i havent had a significant other in like 6 years, i barely talk to my mother, i havent talked to my father in a decade, im not at all close with my siblings or my cousins, etc etc.