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Good news! This is completely true! I just supplanted that memory over your regular boring dream.

I'm fine thanks! Just refreshing my online store front with more homestuck items...

He's the platonic ideal of power and control, but far removed to a perverse degree from his original disposition (compare the relatively innocent caliborn to early career bieber, and ruthless lord English to the Bieber splinter that wrote "yummy")

If we compare the progression of both JB and Caliborn's character, we can see they follow a similar progression over time. A young gifted individual who is missing a leg and lost his sister to murder goes on a journey to improve in his craft, until evil outside influences corrupt him.

Can you see where I'm taking this yet, reader?

Can't you see, that Andrew Hussie has always been a metaphor for the Happy Wheels community?

In both the senseless violence (the tragic murder of Eridan Ampora) and the nonsensical use of vehicles (really, John? A *flying* car? How very believable...) hussie has always been a stand in for the eccentric and dangerous fandom.

Let's take this further. We all fondly remember when Jack Noir stabbed his eyes out while being controlled by Caliborn. May I postulate that Just Bieber destroyed Jack's Septic Eyes? Or how about when caliborn shot Gamzee? Was that a "pew, die pie!" I fear?

In case you don't get it.

Fearful you should be.

So QED, surely now we can move onto the influence over Justin Bieber at large. Hussie influenced Caliborn into the image she created xerself of chuck Norris, just as the HWC (happy wheels community) aspired to reach from Justin Bieber tier to the godly Chuck Norris tier.

The difference? Intent. And that's why it hurt.

As Justin Bieber himself struggled with the abuse of his "fans" he turned to mind and body altering substances that created a twisted facsimile of himself with the intent to be beloved and escape the abuse

But those abuse fans where what was keeping him sane. Now, like caliborn without his Hussie, he is insane and in a sad state, begging for engagement and to stream his music

Could Bieber have made Homosuck? Quite possibly.

But could chuck Norris have made it?

Now that, my dearest readers. My sweet, deer, precious readers.

Why? Because it's the only day that you can bulk buy used basting stock.

Go on Facebook marketplace, Craig list, gumtree, all of those places and search "Turkey juice" or "poullon" and you'll get the good stuff.

I wish they sold in supermarkets with the meal deals, I drink this stuff by the galleon. The texture, sometimes the crunch, and the medium viscosity make it a treat for all the senses.

Sometimes I cook a whole turkey just to chuck the meat to my ravens and drink the turkey nectar.

Next time you make some, think of me.

Think about this for more than 1 second and you'll start crying at how obvious it is. He's never going to stop appearing in things (always more shipping content), culturally relevant worldwide (everyone will instantly know and recognise your OTP, saving time and energy for more fanfic and snuggling), smoking hot (this is canon) and there are canonically alternative universe versions of him (who's to say there isn't a version of him that love you and only you?)

I couldn't think of anything better. A slightly overweight but charming and wholesome Italian man who's good with his hands but willing to drop everything to come save me from my evil captor. He's everyone's dream.

Who will be by your side when your dog dies of old age, comforting you and telling you "it's all gonna be okie-dokie!"?

Only mario can do that.

And if physically he's not enough for you (You demand too much, you selfish cretin)? He can transform with regular household objects. Mushrooms to make him bigger. Flowers to spice things up. Cherries if you want a whole team of hunky blue collar men waiting to fix your pipes.

Reader, the thought has me salivating.

Imagine the pasta he can make for you on cold nights. How he'd tend to the animals on the farm and keep the monsters at bay. He'd scare off the gang members you owe several thousand to in an instant, and wouldn't be afraid to crush their skulls under his feet at a moment's notice.

The dream man.

We can ignore the war crimes. And his previous afflictions. Probably drug use? He wasn't really raised by dinosaurs right? And the whole thing about his second adventure being different if he tells it in Japanese is just weird. Ignore that. Look at his muscles.

Mario is tucking you into bed tonight.